The road less depressed, but manicaly visited.

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When I was diagnoses as a manic depressive, now replaced by the cool, epic and trendy word bi-polar disorder, at the age of 14 I can’t remember feeling any different than just having been told I had the flu.

Later, Generalised Anxiety Disorder joined the party. Being who I am, I examined and read up on these issues at and I did not feel defeated. It merely made me feel less alone being able to name what is hurting me. Not an excuse – an explanation as to why I reacted so different to others.

All the symptoms, panic attacks and excessive emotions that pump through me was all I knew. My only reality. I don’t know a time without it.

I accepted me and put my arm around all these heavy burdened disorder words and we evolve to a point where I don’t stand separately from my “disorders” but they are part of who I am.

I was a very independent teenager. I took myself to my first gynae visit annually, dentist visits twice a year, and visits to my GP for all my “madness, toil and trouble”. I asked to be admitted to psyche ward because I was suicidal and a danger to myself at 16.

Nobody suggested I see a psychiatrist or psychologist until I was hospitalised. I spent less than an hour with a doctor I did not gel with and never went back.

I have seen many doctors in the years that followed, looking for answers, a cure!… and I came away with one piece of advise that I steer my lows on. “Thinking about suicide is one thing….when you start planning it…get the hell out of there and get to a hospital!” :)

Nobody explained what I had in medical terms, what I can expect to happen, what treatments are available …if I could lead a “normal” life…. no wonder mental illness equalled the flue for me.

Nobody even had the kindness to tell me it is going to be my most faithful mistress who would never leave me, nor forsake me – until death us do part. (I always find it funny that my dark side mistress is female.)

Besides the annoying bone/deep tissue/chronic fatigue the specialist mentioned, as I sit here tonight, I wonder how many things, people, situations and relationships my mental illness have dismantled to a place hopes and dreams go to die.

The problem with mental issues are that you are a high maintenance personality by default. You are not sunshine all day, every day … But when you well, wow! You are mighty fine. Life and soul of the disco ball. Everyone wants to dance around the disco ball…. Very few can deal with no sunshine when she’s gone.

Highs are so high that elopement seems trivial and low is so low that I believe I am not lovable, just as I am – and therefore nobody will love me ENOUGH to STAY.

Some relationships end because people react to my illness and not the core me – but to give them credit, who am I and who is the dark mysterious mistress who is so powerful?

I wish you enough,
Wεƞchƴ♥

PS. If you write “hugs” as a comment to the post I will give you a small haunting. Don’t piss me off.

Posted by Wenchy from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.

13 thoughts on “The road less depressed, but manicaly visited.

  1. Totally get you.
    Cruel mistress. Till death do us part. The whole damn package.
    All that I can say is remember the ebbs and flows. This too shall pass.
    I am sorry you are hurting.

    Like

  2. Jenty says:

    LOL at your PS :) you left me wondering whether you’re now seeing a psychologist, and whether someone has explained new treatments to you?

    Like

    • Wenchy says:

      I have always seen a psychologist, just not on a weekly basis anymore. I see her when I feel I need to. (Saw her last night)

      Yes, I am on anxiety meds, 3 times a day and on a new generation anti madness ℓOℓ meds which has a side effect of pain control, which was properly explained to me. Unfortunately every medication comes with side effects, but that trumps death by self-destruction. :)

      Like

  3. Charms says:

    I’m not going to say I understand, as I don’t. I might say ‘hugs’ so I can have a small haunting and therefore can see you for a bit, but I don’t want to piss you off. All I can say is that I’m here and I see you and I love you – that’s all.

    Like

  4. elizemeijer says:

    “hugs” ;)

    i can relate to the highs and the lows. I had my first panic attack a while back. so bad that i couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I went to see a doc, and I freaked out cause I was freaking out.

    I have decided to see someone. I need to fix me. If I hit the next low, I don’t know what I will do. I might just walk away from life.

    Like

    • Wenchy says:

      Panic attacks is hectic for the person having them and the person looking… most people don’t know what to do. Is a good idea to see someone who can help fix you right back up…. I have fought all my life to not just walk away from life.

      Like

  5. Jennyklass says:

    I also cannot say i understand ,but i can say our friendship has been long standing,and for me always been worth what ever effort it takes,even if it means using cyber space. Now not wanting to piss you off, and not sure if a small haunting is good for my health ,but knowing that a hug is good for the soul, i will risk a small hug! have a super day my friend !!!!

    Like

  6. Julia says:

    I hear you. And I know all about that bloody mistress who CONSTANTLY overstays her welcome. Totally get what you are saying about the shift in relationships because of the faithful mistress.
    Much love.
    xx

    Like

  7. Cal says:

    No hugs from me!!!! Really really do not want to piss you off….but do want to say that although I cant say I know what you go through I do stand by you in understanding as I live with bi-polar in the love of my life! The more I get to know you the more I embrace the disco ball aswell as when the sunshine is gone! Love ALL of you Good wife x x x

    Like

  8. Noid says:

    I wont say “hugs” and i wont say I understand but I will walk with you if you let me, like i have all the time we have been together.

    I will also try and fix you when you need fixing because that is the least someone who loves you can do.

    Like

  9. And you my sweetie is stunning, regardless o fthe highs and the lows. You always have kind words for others.

    Like

  10. Marta says:

    You’re just taunting me to say hugs. Can I do all the annoying icons with it too? **~~hUGS~~**

    I know what you mean, everyone loves the highs but so few want to stay for the lows. Makes the lows all the harder. Its great that you’ve always been so accepting of who you are and what you need and going for it. That’s AMAZING. It really is. I’ve never been good asking for what I need much less going for it. A trait I definitely admire in others.

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