Today has not been easy. I have been in immense pain. The original pain in my neck that opened this can of “Let’s play: Name that illness!” is back to give me a small haunting along with the deep tissue pain in my legs and lower back. I’ve over medicated and I am not feeling relief. I am not actually complaining. Documenting. Despite the small haunting, emotionally I feel happy and content. I am in love (and lust) with my husband, our children – life itself! I think of my sister who had open heart surgery a fortnight ago and I feel a wimp for even mentioning the word “pain” in my synopsis of a day.
Since our move to Buckingham (that is what my Mom named our house) we have only had 3G, and in desperation cell phone modem connection. There is no land line in our house and as we started out not knowing if the commute would prove too annoying for Noid or not (he does not do traffic well – who does?), so we decided against putting in a land line. Those in South Africa would understand the concept of dealing with our service provider, Telkom… probably equal to what Americans call “going postal”. Resulting in us not having uncapped, fast and reliable access to the net. It drives me insane because for years I had a proper connection to the internet – a connection to my world of friends, information and my tool in expression with words and photography.
Specifically, the lack of connection drove me insane, today. There is a photo book I want to put together of our month long holiday touring the Garden Route. I need a proper connection speed to upload reasonably sized photographs to put my book together. I was feeling creative (read: manic) and felt frustrated that I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted.
I am sure by now there are psychologists who specialise in social media and general internet addiction. Scary thing is that I have actually decreased my time online since I met Noid. My husband not being a slave to the net, detests the amount of time I spend online. Correction, my unnatural attraction and addiction to my Black Berry. Dead sexy.
I do not blame him and I do believe he has every right to be annoyed. Noid should have my full and undivided attention when we are together. He deserves that, besides that would just be plain good manners to make eye contact and not be fiddling on the phone! At the same time, it is my connection to a world I have created during the past 13 years and really hard to turn off. I do try. Honestly.
Since this haunting started in May 2011, I am moments away from becoming a hermit. More intensely so since I stopped working. 99% of my interaction with anyone, family or friend happens via Face Book, e-mail, text or bbm. My mere existence has become my online persona which sounds kind of dramatic taking into account that the online me and the real life me is pretty much the same. I may swear more in person…. Even Noid who is quite the homebody mentioned that we have not had a movie date in months. I have given this issue of staying in my physical comfort zone some thought as I am perplexed by my solitary existence as I know it is not who I am.
On a day like today it is natural that I would prefer being at home. I think anyone who felt ill would, so that is not unusual. However, the crux of my behaviour hugely boils down to having gained back all the weight I struggled so determined to loose. Inactivity, side effects of medication and all that passed my lips and rested on my hips, has resulted in me physically hiding from the world, making it simpler and effortless to live out loud online. I feel uncomfortable, ashamed and disappointed in myself. I fear judgement. It is said that being aware of a problem is the first step to overcoming the obstacle. Well, I’m aware! :) I need to keep it real, take control and get cracking to reach resolution. I plan on inviting Noid to a movie and attend the next blog get-together… if you will have me after all this time? That’s a start, right?
Now, it’s almost 3am and I am craving the feel of my husband’s skin on mine as I cuddle in behind him, even if he is snoring away.
I wish you enough,
PS. In my infinite wisdom, I tried to install Google Chrome a few days ago which was a total disaster. As a result, my Google reader said farewell to all my subscriptions. So, be I a regular reader of your blog, or you happen to be visiting, be sure to leave me your blog address so I can upload all my subscriptions again. If you lurk, a hello would be nice – make my day.
PS some more…. Leave me your BBM pin. LOL