... a bit of that

Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.

 I watched an Oprah show dealing with divorce. Many of the issues mentioned I am well aware off both as a child coming from a divorced family but also as somebody who has children in the same situation. What stood out for me was that I do trust MYSELF, but I do not trust my environment to be one of safety. For me life is fight or flight. Always. No safe place to fall.

 

I do not trust that I will be loved, cared for, supported, forgiven unless I am a good girl and do not mess up. Fucking scary thought that. I mean I am almost 35 years old. I should know better. I do not trust that people would willingly stay for the ‘just okay’ me, the ‘fuck up badly’ me… only the fabulous me. I never realized this until my relationship with Noid… when something crap happens, or even a small fight, I fully expect him to leave. I mean why would he stay? Nobody did in the past…. some even died.  I am surprised, thankful, and amazed when Noid stays. LNot proper as he lives his feelings of love for me every day in his actions.

 

Growing up, although I have no doubt that I was loved, I did not feel secure. I have always lived with a sense of rejection. Feelings of not being good enough, not fitting in, a destructive anxiety at attempting to protect my soul self mixed with a painful need for intimacy and the inability to feel things on a base level. All my emotions are raw and to the core… a beautiful recipe for getting hurt on a multitude of levels – both something I despise and love about my own self.

 

I have two ways of dealing with these feelings … a) I visit my faithful mistress of darkness and together we go into that dark place. Once there, I find it incredibly hard to come back to the light. In the past my Mel and Jax have sent out search parties into that emotional maze trying to reach me… eventually I rise again. A bit of phoenix, I am… but it takes time…. OR b) when survival mode kicks in I become bullet proof and in that moment I will and can take on the world and yes, I win…. … then the night will come and I realize somebody didn’t stay for the distance. Again. The feeling of not having been worth the effort returns.

 

How do you throw emotion (caution?) to the wind and truly love as if you are never going to hurt… dance, as if nobody is watching and work as if you do not need the money? Live abundantly without your foot on the break? I read a similar note at a screening of “The Opus” on Sunday saying that one must live as if you already have what you wanted/needed and not keep a back door open. Burn the bridges that are providing a crutch.

 

Profound.

 

Very, very, very recently I have realized that I am not solely responsible for the relationship past and present in my life. I am not by default the problem. I do not have magic powers to fix other peoples worlds and the things that hold them captive. Everyone has their own growing to do! It no longer feels as if a reflection on me as a person when others choose not stay for the distance, depth, and length of my life. I know that I AM worth the effort; I do have positive things to give and make a difference in the lives of the people around me. A relationship is a living entity. All involved needs to keep it alive – abundantly… and sometimes it is healthier to let people go, than to try and pick up a million little pieces.

 

I am a work in progress – however, I finally, I know where I am going…. because I know, where I have been. I am certain of where I never want to be again.

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.”

  1. I know the inadequacy feeling well. Time lessens it, as well as the ongoing love and support received. I don’t think you can come through so much heartache and dissapointment without some scars. The difference lies in how you wear them. The fact that you are seeing someone again, with a chance at a third time around, shows that you wear them well. The time to worry is when the dream inside you dies and the girl inside you gives up.

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  2. Absolutely agree with the “why do you stay bit …” Can’t figure out why he has been staying for the last 7 years. Living with somebody like me just can’t be worth it.

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  3. Wow! Great post Wenchy! Knowing that you need to burn the bridges giving you the crutch and actually doing so are such different things. The latter being so much harder to do. I think this applies to so many different parts of our lives, not just relationships with our loved ones.

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  4. Can we consider that the bridges have been burnt and we are on our way to our Opus??

    In case you have not noticed….I am here to stay and am not going anywhere.

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  5. I am with you sweetie, I’m right there with you.

    I’ll just contribute this: Don’t look at where you think you ought to be; instead look at how far you’ve come.

    *hugs*

    Love you.

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  6. “In case you have not noticed….I am here to stay and am not going anywhere.”

    Sjoe. That sommer made me cry. I love you which seems such silly words for a feeling so big.

    Thank you everyone for the ongoing love, encouragement and support…. and being here for the ride. 🙂

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  7. I also saw that Oprah, and it made me examine my own reaction to my parents’ divorce. Speaking now (three decades later) and seeing it through the other end of the telescope, makes me realise their split should have been earlier… cos it made me into a woman who thinks all men act like shits eventually.

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  8. I have struggled with people that I love not wanting to put out the effort it takes to be with me. And in all honesty it really doesn’t take that much, I don’t expect the world. I do expect men to do what they say they will and when they fail to put out the effort to keep their word it makes me feel like I did something wrong, or I wasn’t worth it, but I’m just now starting to realize that this behavior is a fault of theirs, not mine. So, I’m hoping that eventually I will be my best supporter instead of relying on the actions of other people to make me feel worthy.

    Did I mention how glad I am that I was able to start reading your blog again?

    Happy day!

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  9. Again, what you say resonates deeply with me. I think so many of us are sisters in this. For me, I have no doubt about my worth. I’m very confident in my abilities and value. If I lived in a vacuum. You see, I have NO confidence that anyone else in the whole world would ever bother to love me. And I’m very afraid of making a mistake or looking foolish because that will blow any chance I might have had for someone to want me. Of course all this has come under fire recently. There’s nothing like having unconditional love to bring this all out. I can’t tell you how many times Gary’s dived into the depths to drag me back to him. Because I run rather than being left. I take charge and ruin it first.

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  10. Another South African blogger!! Whoo-hoo! I have so few and far between that I read I guess I’m just looking in all the wrong places! 🙂

    Great post! <- I know that’s a suck reaction to this post but I’m quite speechless. If that’s at all possible. Mmm.

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  11. Wow, that rang so true for me. I am also the product of divorce and then extreme fighting and then abandonment. I haven’t spoken to my father in more than 20 years. The only thing I can add is that I didn’t feel okay in my own skin until I was in my early 30s. I’ve spent years in therapy, which helped and now I have an amazing support network. I do, however, have those dark moments where my past comes back to haunt and I am able to acknowledge it and know it will pass. It isn’t who I am, I am human, I make plenty of mistakes and the people I love aren’t going anywhere. Mind you, the people I most rely on are my friends not my family. Since my husband’s diagnosis with a progressive terminal disease I have had to rely on those closest to me even more and they have not disappointed. Most importantly, your post reminded me of what I love most about certain people…their vulnerabilities. It makes us more alike than different. You are a star!

    My favorite quote of all time is by Anne Lamott, it goes like this:

    “My mind is like a bad neighborhood I shouldn’t go into alone!”

    A truer statement was never stated.

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  12. Hey, you are worth it and do not let anybody tell you any different or let you think that you are not, when YOU ARE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!

    Don’t torture yourself with the ” one day he might leave” you are not being fair to your own best friend – You!

    I love you my friend!:)

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  13. My parents diviorced when I was young and I’m a single mom, so I can relate to what you are saying. You just need to remember that you are so worth it!

    You have an interesting blog. Hope you have a good day!

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  14. fabulous post- and i know exactly where you’re coming from. i have never been married or run the gamut of divorce… but my relationships have been disastrous and i’m still trying to reprogram myself.

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  15. Noid… when something crap happens, or even a small fight, I fully expect him to leave. I mean why would he stay? Nobody did in the past…. some even died. I am surprised, thankful, and amazed when Noid stays. L Not proper as he lives his feelings of love for me every day in his actions.

    You need to stop feeling this as i think it is waht is making your emotions control you

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