I watched an Oprah show dealing with divorce. Many of the issues mentioned I am well aware off both as a child coming from a divorced family but also as somebody who has children in the same situation. What stood out for me was that I do trust MYSELF, but I do not trust my environment to be one of safety. For me life is fight or flight. Always. No safe place to fall.
I do not trust that I will be loved, cared for, supported, forgiven unless I am a good girl and do not mess up. Fucking scary thought that. I mean I am almost 35 years old. I should know better. I do not trust that people would willingly stay for the ‘just okay’ me, the ‘fuck up badly’ me… only the fabulous me. I never realized this until my relationship with Noid… when something crap happens, or even a small fight, I fully expect him to leave. I mean why would he stay? Nobody did in the past…. some even died. I am surprised, thankful, and amazed when Noid stays. LNot proper as he lives his feelings of love for me every day in his actions.
Growing up, although I have no doubt that I was loved, I did not feel secure. I have always lived with a sense of rejection. Feelings of not being good enough, not fitting in, a destructive anxiety at attempting to protect my soul self mixed with a painful need for intimacy and the inability to feel things on a base level. All my emotions are raw and to the core… a beautiful recipe for getting hurt on a multitude of levels – both something I despise and love about my own self.
I have two ways of dealing with these feelings … a) I visit my faithful mistress of darkness and together we go into that dark place. Once there, I find it incredibly hard to come back to the light. In the past my Mel and Jax have sent out search parties into that emotional maze trying to reach me… eventually I rise again. A bit of phoenix, I am… but it takes time…. OR b) when survival mode kicks in I become bullet proof and in that moment I will and can take on the world and yes, I win…. … then the night will come and I realize somebody didn’t stay for the distance. Again. The feeling of not having been worth the effort returns.
How do you throw emotion (caution?) to the wind and truly love as if you are never going to hurt… dance, as if nobody is watching and work as if you do not need the money? Live abundantly without your foot on the break? I read a similar note at a screening of “The Opus” on Sunday saying that one must live as if you already have what you wanted/needed and not keep a back door open. Burn the bridges that are providing a crutch.
Very, very, very recently I have realized that I am not solely responsible for the relationship past and present in my life. I am not by default the problem. I do not have magic powers to fix other peoples worlds and the things that hold them captive. Everyone has their own growing to do! It no longer feels as if a reflection on me as a person when others choose not stay for the distance, depth, and length of my life. I know that I AM worth the effort; I do have positive things to give and make a difference in the lives of the people around me. A relationship is a living entity. All involved needs to keep it alive – abundantly… and sometimes it is healthier to let people go, than to try and pick up a million little pieces.
I am a work in progress – however, I finally, I know where I am going…. because I know, where I have been. I am certain of where I never want to be again.
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