... a bit of that

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.

Tonight I got a call from my mom and sister that my Ouma Chrissie is very sick – as in, at the age of 75 she may not live. She’s old.. and never truly recovered from Oupa’s death in December 2007. Hell, she has not even left the room.

The doctor had advised that if one wanted to see her before she dies, now would be good. Okay, I fail to mention that after a rather large, ugly words and shouting argument in November last year I’ve not been in contact with my family so it meant I had to also put myself together again to face everyone.  This was very hard from me… baie. You have no idea how much baie is.

OumaChrissieOupaMike.jpg

Noid gave up four hours from working and came with me to be with Ouma Chrissie. My family was friendly and dignified – nice and I felt okay. I think they tried for everyone to be okay and I appreciated it very much. I do love and care for them hugely but I don’t think they understand me… or why I do or say what I do. It doesn’t matter, it was okay.

Ouma’s room felt calm with soft light… she looked worse and better then I imagined – making no sense at all I am. She is nothing like the woman she use to be, but when I lay down beside her, she took my face in her hands and I felt like heaven had just touched me.

It was the most incredible soft, lingering, tender, loving feeling of adoration that came from her. Sweeping movement of her soft hand on my hair… such comfort I have not felt. She is the one dying and yet I felt she was giving to me… I was enough. I WAS ENOUGH!!

She spoke every now and again a few audible sentences… she said she is happy with the life she has had, that she loves me, that I am a ‘dierbare kind’… she told Noid that she raised me from the time I was one month old… that she was so happy when I was born that she cried for weeks… she said I was her first grandchild and her favourite, she told me over and over again how happy she is to see me, she asked if I was happy with Noid and if we will get married.. she asked me if he will look after me.. she specifically asked to see Kevin.. my heart was sore for him because him and I did this together not so long ago with Oupa…. She said she is so glad that I came, she loves me.. I said I love her and thank you for everything and and and ….and all the while I didn’t want her to stop touching me.  It was the most tender and intense love I have felt in a very long time – as in overwhelming complete peace and contentment – healing. I wanted to drink it in and have it run smoothly inside my body, fill me up with tenderness and love. It was beautiful.

I never want to forget how I felt. Ever.

It does not matter to me what is physically wrong with my gran. I don’t mind her dying because I saw her LIVE.  I don’t know if she will be with us for a few more hours, days or weeks… I feel content in knowing that she loves me and that I love her and that’s enough. I will miss her so much, but I am so glad she was my Ouma Chrissie… and the person who I slept next to, holding her hand for the first eleven years of my life.

When we got home, I lay in the darkness. Craving the silence, seeking that contentment, I climbed under the dovet in an effort to feel more ‘protected‘ – snug – a hug almost .. . I closed my eyes and pretended the fan was raindrops and that I could almost smell the cinnamon from the pancakes. As the wind blew the curtain, I hoped there was a life after this one… one in which Ouma will find Oupa waiting and they will once again walk hand in hand as they did for 57 years.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” – Unknown

29 thoughts on “In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.”

  1. I’m sorry she’s ill, but I’m glad you had the chance to see her, and to enjoy the emotions you are experiencing. Hugs for you honey

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  2. Chris, this is both so beautiful and so sad all at the same time, Charn and my mom have that kind of bond. You are both blessed to have had each other in your lives.
    sending lots of love for you and Kevin and everyone else

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  3. Ek is so jammer. My hart is so seer vir almal. Ouma is so amazing. SO amazing. And yes….you have always been enough. I don’t think Ouma or Oupa ever felt that you were not.

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  4. This is a very touching post. I am glad that you have experienced this kind of love – everybody should.

    Hugs to you. I’m sure that Oupa Mike is standing beside her, waiting to be reunited with his love.

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  5. Hi Babe, sorry to hear Ouma is not well. I was also raised by Ouma and Oupa and Grandparents are just that – GRAND! I’m glad you got to see her and have that love shed on you. ‘n Dierbare Ouma met ‘n dierbare kleinkind. Lief vir jou meisie.

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  6. I lost my grandad 7 years ago and I still cry whenever I think of him. Grandparents are just such special people. I was the only grandchild that had the opportunity to say “Goodbye” the night before he passed away and I think I am the only one with some sort of closure. Strongs for you and your family through this time and I truly believe that your ouma and oupa will walk together once again.

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  7. I read your post early this morning, and had a small cry at my desk. Even though you know that she had a good life, it still breaks your heart to see them go. Your grandparents brought up a wonderful and lovely woman. Me think they did a grand job in raising you.
    Loves you my friend

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  8. I cried and cried reading this. So beautifully summed up. I’m glad you had each other all the years, you and Ouma. I am thinking of you both.

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  9. I was both happy and sad to be with you.

    The obvious sadness and strength of emotion was clear to see and I am glad that you had a chance to spend some quality time with her.

    Kudos for you in actually going and facing the family in the first place by the way.

    I will be there for you despite seeming too busy some of the time. You are still my 1st priority.

    Love always

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  10. Beautiful post. You and she are both very blessed. Now she may be able to make her transition in peace after your very loving visit.

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