Break ups are hard. Torture. Soul destroying. Seldom does anyone ask, “So why you together?” but plenty are lightning fast to ask “So what happened? Why did you break up?”
I never liked him anyway…. You can do better than her … Never thought you should have taken on the responsibility of her kids anyway… Hates how he speaks to the children….. yes, if somebody couldn’t choose to be positive, you can’t make them….there is life after him….you are so much better off without her….now you can spend quality time with your children….it’s probably for the best….you will be fine…
You lived, you loved, you trusted, you believed, you share your soul – and then the darkness comes and shatters all illusions. We lash out in ways demons would be proud. Hell rejoices at your anger. We want to feel vindicated and set free, not wanting to own our part of the wrong.
Disappointment, bewilderment, hurt, pain, disbelief and you are left questioning your core being. Where did it all go so wrong? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? You sit in the shade as night falls on the floor…. and you cry. Not tears, deep to the core sobs filled with longing and regret. Why? Just why do you physically ache if a heart is an organ and there is no ‘undo‘?
Survival kicks in. You do what is necessary but you are not sure why because morning has no glory. You beg, borrow and short of stealing you do your best to provide for those that depend on you. You don’t trust your true self to anyone because the raw emotion may just push them away, and you… the edge is a thin line moist with an easier way out. So many mistakes, so much to overcome – is it even possible?
You pretend and smile saying how fresh starts all round is truly spring time for the soul. Fragile liar you are as you cry for what had been your joy.
Somewhere between broken and sunlight we found each other weeks later over tears, apologies, dissecting how we got in a deep black hole in the first place, how one can prevent such destruction and healing deep words.
The reasons are assumed by most, the truth known by few but hugely judged by many. The pebble in their own shoes lost for a moment as everyone’s gets to point, laugh, declaring a reconciliation a mistake withholding their congratulations …. and causing friendships to be questioned and others gratefully confirmed. Some celebrate that maybe, just maybe, love does conquer all and proclaims applause for bravery and a life lived to the full… most probably fearful for future pain…. but what are we if not vulnerable to live life?
Just perhaps the human spirit is stronger in fighting for life, than lying down to die… or lead a little life of safety. Maybe – regardless of the huge prices there are to pay in hard cash, in tender emotion or relationships that require healing for months to come, the massive life lessons learned and the deep regret that the darkness came at all.
He took me somewhere only we know. The hills were alive with his tears and mine. Heartfelt vows as the sun set on a beautiful day. No more Sunday, bloody Sunday.
There were no ‘till death us do part’ in the vows we wrote ourselves. God has a sense of humour but I don’t always like being the jester. My husband organized the wedding, the venue, the Minister, the chapel with as little religious overtone as possible, the helicopter pilot, my dress, a gift for me in our room with champagne and engraved glasses, perfect weather and kisses I will never forget. There were cupcakes and sparkles to drink, bubbles we blew in the air and laughter mixed with tears.
It will always be – somewhere, only we know.
Why are we together? I love him. He loves me. It is as simple and as complicated as that. Nobody else needs to understand it, like it or give approval. It is what it is…. We are excited as we go into tomorrow, dreaming of our children’s laughter and our delight that we dared the go big… and not go home.
Our words as we exchanged rings:
“With this ring, I give you my promise
that from this day forward, you shall not walk alone.
May my heart be your shelter
And my arms be your home.”