Dear friends, fuckwits and fanTy interesting creatures –
A number of my blog friends are attempting this journey of discovery. I read the questions and at first I thought “Fuck that!… I’ve had my fair share emotions in overdrive and I’m beat… ” … but then I decided I as I walk towards the shadow of death (sounded more dramatic than Thanksgiving) a cleansing may be good. I do warn that judging by the questions, I dig deep and it doesn’t always leave people, or me…. comfortable.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
My first thought was, “Only one thing?” *sigh* I have so many to choose from!
After giving this question great thought and having a range of self loathing to choose from, I would like to say forgiving myself for mistakes made is not something I am good at.
You know in the old days there is this mule and this wooden round thing and some guy doing whatever to make the mule go round and round to get water or whatever…. I am that mule… I will allow myself to be punished endlessly and go round and round and round and round,.. . I will encourage the ridicule and torture… I will take the blame without prejudice and I will say ‘yes, it is me – I did it”… and forever is not long enough to punish me…. it lives inside me the ‘unforgivable’ – act/word/action/approach I may have engaged in.
I do hate this about myself. Long after everyone has forgotten, moved on, found new mules…… I torture myself that *I* wasn’t good enough. I fucked up. I didn’t make a proper choice. I should have, could have, must have…. but I DIDN’T.
There has been various incident in my life where I have felt what I had done was unforgivable… but this was the first one that had far-reaching consequences within my soul:
When I was 16, I had a one night stand with a man double my age. Literally, one night of sex with a much older man. He had long hair, spoke a foreign language and played the guitar – and I felt ever so exotic. The sex was mediocre and I immediately regretted my actions. Instantly. I left shortly after, no foreign begging could hold my interest.
I couldn’t believe that I had done something to despicable – SLUTISH behavior. Sure I don’t really care how many and whom you have all done, but I hadn’t believed or wanted *that* behavior from myself. This was not who I believed me to be.
I had known better. I was the kind of girl who when she got sexually active, went to the doctor and put herself on the pill, I was the kind of girl who paid her for her own toiletries with pocket-money…. I was the kind of girl who got wonderful grades, partied all night but delivered. I was the girl who threw her step-father out for hitting her Mom. I was the girl who protected her sister and who made sure the doors were locked at night. I did not do fucking irresponsible things.
My absolute disgust at myself and my inability to accept that I had made a really stupid decision…. to get my mind around my behavior, had me knocking at my doctors door…. yes, I even had myself admitted to the psych ward. I was distraught, not functional… I was admitted to hospital for depression, anxiety…. and suicidal tendencies. I go big or go home people…. even at 16.
On recommendation of my doctor, my Principal decided to pass me on my prelim marks and I did not return to school. I still passed with a B average. Btw, this incident happened almost to the day 21 years ago… and I still remember the date. Fucked hey? I returned to school the following year for my matric year…. and stayed away from long haired men (until I met the dead boy Tim), foreign accents and guitars. 🙂
Unfortunately I still do this – an inability to forgive myself…. (I do not have the same issue in forgiving others btw!!!! I always believe people are worth another chance, something that has bitten my fat ass many times…) Perhaps not always as intensely, perhaps not as dramatically …. but I hate that I find it so incredibly hard to forgive myself – my failures.
“The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns, or a pillow filled with rose petals.” ~ Loren Fischer
I wish you enough,
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself