Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

Dear friends, fuckwits and fanTy interesting creatures –

A number of my blog friends are attempting this journey of discovery. I read the questions and at first I thought “Fuck that!… I’ve had my fair share emotions in overdrive and I’m beat… ” … but then I decided I as I walk towards the shadow of death (sounded more dramatic than Thanksgiving) a cleansing may be good. I do warn that judging by the questions, I dig deep and it doesn’t always leave people, or me…. comfortable.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

 My first thought was, “Only one thing?” *sigh* I have so many to choose from!

After giving this question great thought and having a range of self loathing to choose from, I would like to say forgiving myself for mistakes made is not something I am good at.

You know in the old days there is this mule and this wooden round thing and some guy doing whatever to make the mule go round and round to get water or whatever…. I am that mule… I will allow myself to be punished endlessly and go round and round and round and round,.. . I will encourage the ridicule and torture… I will take the blame without prejudice and I will say ‘yes, it is me – I did it”… and forever is not long enough to punish me…. it lives inside me the ‘unforgivable’  – act/word/action/approach I may have engaged in.

I do hate this about myself. Long after everyone has forgotten, moved on, found new mules…… I torture myself that *I* wasn’t good enough. I fucked up. I didn’t make a proper choice. I should have, could have, must have…. but I DIDN’T.

There has been various incident in my life where I have felt what I had done was unforgivable… but this was the first one that had far-reaching consequences within my soul:

When I was 16, I had a one night stand with a man double my age. Literally, one night of sex with a much older man. He had long hair, spoke a foreign language and played the guitar – and I felt ever so exotic. The sex was mediocre and I immediately regretted my actions. Instantly. I left shortly after, no foreign begging could hold my interest.

I couldn’t believe that I had done something to despicable – SLUTISH behavior. Sure I don’t really care how many and whom you have all done, but I hadn’t believed or wanted *that* behavior from myself.  This was not who I believed me to be.

I had known better. I was the kind of girl who when she got sexually active, went to the doctor and put herself on the pill, I was the kind of girl who paid her for her own toiletries with pocket-money…. I was the kind of girl who got wonderful grades, partied all night but delivered. I was the girl who threw her step-father out for hitting her Mom. I was the girl who protected her sister and who made sure the doors were locked at night. I did not do fucking irresponsible things.

My absolute disgust at myself and my inability to accept that I had made a really stupid decision…. to get my mind around my behavior, had me knocking at my doctors door…. yes, I even had myself admitted to the psych ward. I was distraught, not functional… I was admitted to hospital for depression, anxiety…. and suicidal tendencies. I go big or go home people…. even at 16.

On recommendation of my doctor, my Principal decided to pass me on my prelim marks and I did not return to school. I still passed with a B average. Btw, this incident happened almost to the day 21 years ago… and I still remember the date. Fucked hey? I returned to school the following year for my matric year…. and stayed away from long haired men (until I met the dead boy Tim), foreign accents and guitars. 🙂

Unfortunately I still do this – an inability to forgive myself…. (I do not have the same issue in forgiving others btw!!!! I always believe people are worth another chance, something that has bitten my fat ass many times…) Perhaps not always as intensely, perhaps not as dramatically …. but I hate that I find it so incredibly hard to forgive myself – my failures.  

“The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns, or a pillow filled with rose petals.” ~ Loren Fischer

I wish you enough,


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


16 thoughts on “Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

  1. Marianna says:

    This is going to be a good thing for you to do for the next 30 days… soul cleansing…

    It’s tough to forgive one’s self…



  2. I’m also doing this meme, and strangely enough just this afternoon I sat in my car thinking about a one night stand many years ago that still makes me feel…I don’t know, kind of dirty. I absolutely hate that about myself too. Years on, and it still occupies space in my head.


  3. kambabe says:

    Ooh what an interesting concept sounds like the results could be ver insightful I look forward to finding out more about you inner journey to peace


  4. Gina says:

    I too take forever to forgive myself…
    (((hugs))) and strength my friend, just know that we are here for you, for 30 days and beyond!!!


  5. Natalie Archer says:

    I really dont know what to say. Except you are an inspiration to so many for being so honest about yourself and your mistakes. I have learnt something today. Thank you for teaching me to look at myself more closely.


  6. Isabel says:

    I hate that even though I KNOW I have a lot to offer to a lot of different people and situations, I never feel “good enough”! Oh how I struggle with this! 😦



  7. SirNoid says:

    Life….I feel….is a journey of making mistakes and learning from them.

    While forgiveness for others is easier I agree it is often hard to forgive oneself.

    Perhaps a different outlook on the mistakes made and seeing them for the learnings they afford is a way to try and make peace with yourself after making said mistakes and the start of a voyage of not making the same mistakes again?

    I wish you enough and am immensely proud of you for hanging in there when the hurt is too much and picking yourself up, dusting it all off and making sure that it is enough in the future.

    I love you


  8. I thought about doing this but then it was too hard and so I decided rather to blog about random stuff 🙂

    I actually tend to do this though – I remember stupid things I did years ago and still feel the shame/anger/embarassement/regret now!


  9. You are all so brave, doing this! I am at present to fragile to dig too deep. Or maybe, it is just the time to do it.

    In any event, I have a similar little dark secret in my teen years. I have sympathy. A lot.


  10. Sjoe Stel that is a lot of self flagellation xxx I hope that you will learn to see yourself how your friends and loved ones see you ♥ and know that you too deserve your forgiveness


  11. I was thinking of doing this meme, but I’m afraid to dig too deep – I was born with a shovel in my hand you know. One day we might be able to do that thing they call “forgive yourself”.


  12. meganstow says:

    Welcome on board! this is the toughest meme i’ve come across, but a little self discovery is never a bad thing right?

    looking forward to reading the next 29 days!



  13. It is always easier to forgive others than ourselves, I agree… You are a braver woman than I for doing this… I feel very deeply, but find it difficult to let it all out, so not sure I could do it…


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