... a bit of that

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
– Oprah Winfrey

It was not the ideal time to be pregnant and I found it had to acknowledge. Although I knew in my heart it was so, I saw the doctor at nine weeks and there was no great joy. It was the wrong time, the wrong partner, the wrong everything. I planned to change my life, now I was stuck.

I chose general anesthetic so not to be there for the birth. I chose to see him hours after he was born. I chose to stay in hospital eleven days before going home because I couldn’t cope. Liam James was born, couple weeks prem, 4.2kg’s with beautiful blue eyes and when I finally saw him, he seemed to look through me with the eyes of an old soul. *I* will never leave you. *I* will never forsake you…. whispered a baby’s breathe.

If I be truly honest I knew from that moment when he looked at me that Liam was different. He was a happy baby, a delightful, smiling darling but there was something just not quite…. right. He did everything in overdrive. He walked at nine months, he spoke very quickly and clearly… his first word being “No!”…. he was busy.

When Liam was five years old he was diagnosed with ADHD, he has issues with depression, anxiety – an uncontrolable spirit. Liam has been on medication since he was 5 years old… and I blame myself every day. When he was first diagnosed I honestly couldn’t even verbalise what was wrong with him. I felt so heartsore, overwhelmed and just total guilt. This is all my fault. I should have, I could have… I must have done something very wrong.

Liam has never been a child I felt I shared with his father or anyone else.The bond is ours. The difficulties are ours. We walk it, alone. Not to say other people along the way have not loved, supported, cared, given to the situation and of themselves… my guilt has made it my journey. Lee and I, we understand each other.  Emotionally we are as close to a mirror as as one can get, neither always enjoying the reflection.  It is Liam and it is me… and then there is the world. I protect Liam from the world and protect the world from Liam. He is my burden and my joy. My pain and my laughter. He is sunshine and he is rain. He is mine.

In my head I know Liam’s issues are pretty much genetic. He is a carbon copy of my sister Rentia. The issues run in our family and perhaps there is nothing I truly could have done to prevent it… but my heart? In my heart it is all my fault. If I had wanted him perhaps things would have been different? If only I knew the magic formula.

Fourteen years later, I still have to forgive myself for not being enough for Liam. Raising him is hard. He is constantly in trouble, we have monthly doctors appointments, he is fun and laughter the one minutes and suicide the next. He says whatever comes into his head with no thought for consequence. Sometimes he will get ready for school and declare himself a winner and other days he will not, no matter what move a muscle. Sometimes he will cry and I will have no answers… for him, or me.

Fourteen years later I adore Liam, I love him more than he or anyone knows. I will move the sun and align the stars different if it would make Liam feel better…. and will continue to fight, support and love him…. but I always know… if only he had felt that way at conception, just maybe, Liam would have felt more welcome in the world.

I am sorry Liam. I love you every day. I choose you every day. *I* will never leave you. *I* will never forsake you. You are the funniest, most entertaining deep thinking, awesome individual with a sense of humour that blows me away. You look at me and out of the blue you will smile and say: “It will be okay Mom.”…. and Liam… I believe you.

7 thoughts on “Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.”

  1. We are lucky to have him and he is a constant joy and also “sometimes” a bit of a challenge but he is special in so many ways.

    We both know that and love him for it!

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  2. So beautifully written. I feel this post so much. I feel like I could have written it. My son is also ADHD (also diagnosed and medicated since the age of 5) and I knew that something wasn’t quite right but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I often feel that I am not enough, but the best is just to take it one day at a time.
    Thank you so much for your honesty in this post..xxx

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  3. I sit here just bawling. Such emotion and honesty from the depths of your beautiful soul. I can feel how much you love and want Liam. I pray you do find that place of forgiveness of yourself. This is too great a burden to bear. (hugs)

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  4. You’re bringing out my tears with this one… I’ve told you about my Nathan, and how similar some things are… Nathan is soon to be 19, and some days I still feel like I cannot deal with him for even one more day (not so easy to admit to)… but I love him more than words can express, and the bond we have is so different from any other that either of us have…

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