I have been blessed to be loved right out of my socks (an expression my Mom uses) by many people and at different times in my life different people have made my life worth living. I’m still here. 🙂 Thank you.
What keeps me alive… (because let’s face it…. I’m a dark horse soul), is the unconditional love, support and encouragement I receive from my children, the persistence my step-dad Alex, my mom Yvonne and my sister, Rentia in particular (family – and Melany, I count you as part of this analogy) have shown to wait for me to return like the “The Prodigal Son”. They have not given up… they waiting. (This need not make sense to you.)
Above all, what gets me up right now during a time I’ve unfortunately succumbed to a severe depressive episode (such is the life of the bi-polar, you never know if you are on the rollercoaster with slush puppy all over or the ghost train to hell) – is my absolute belief in a dream I share with my husband. A dream of truth, love, a tomorrow that will not disappoint.
My husband. Love those words. He actually married me. He actually proposed more than once??? What was he thinking? 🙂
We have walked a difficult road of flashes of angry light and thunder clashes, while filled with flowers, rainbows, the odd unicorn and wishing stars. I come from a place of a hurting heart that has many issues that haunt it, a soul that searches constantly for peace and feeling ‘enough‘… Noid came from a place of having been cheated on and lied to, wanting a serious career change and to be valued …. Our world collided and changed us both forever.
We made our relationship work on so very many levels for over two and a half years…. but we also messed up royal on other levels. We pushed each other to the limit both in good and bad… which makes life fun and filled with frustration, we are loud and neither are back down personalities…. and eventually it all gave way from under us, crashing – and we split up…. but neither seemed able to let go of the other.
Yearning… we went in search and hit that sweet spot…. Everything came together. It just worked. The questions and arguments suddenly had answers. Things that had eaten away at our happiness became clear as unimportant or redundant. We both believed in our dream, in our life together and that there was nobody we would rather be with in all the land, the sky above us, or the earth below. Seeing the imperfect person, perfectly…. I became an FHM model and Noid well…. he suddenly lit candles and I swear I could hear Barry White in the background. 🙂
At the moment, things are difficult for me personally. Noid has been a husband under cross-fire and has run over enemy lines continuously to rescue me. I am truly thankful and grateful. He has done things I have never imagined he would do, he has shown me the words and the way in a manner I never expected, he has fought for us non-stop and there seems to be no end to his fighting for ME to be more than okay.
Unfortunate, our reality has some working title issues such as getting a new home as we currently live separately due to our flare up which left us master of none in the end, but richer forever. Imagine somebody choosing you with that much sincerity and plenty to loose? Actually that is truly our only issue because it solves all the other issues – the missing, the crying because of the missing, the longing because of the missing… I trust the love-making will be as intense and fabulously wonderful when we live in the same house again and that we will continue to leave to car, dressing room or bathroom, and other interesting places – unchallenged. LOL
My gorgeous, ever-changing for the good, committed, loving, kind, giving, lovable, sexy Noid ………. and the dreams we hold is what makes my life worth living, which covers a multitude of beauty … along with my children who continue to be a source of strength, love and wisdom. I love you all so very very very very much.
I quoted a verse from a Bruce Springsteen song as part of my vows to Noid when we got married:
“We’ll walk together, come what way. If I should stumble or fall, or lose my way – please wait for me. Should you stumble or fall, or lose your way, I will wait for you.”
My baby… with respect and gratitude, thank you for walking with me and truly, making me believe my life is worthwhile at this time that I have stumbled… while you fight so hard not to let me fall.