The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

  • Everytime I see Noid’s wedding ring on his hand, I feel a small flutter inside my heart. We made it. Regardless.
  • I need to make a small wedding album. We did get married after all.
  • I would love a photo shoot with us and all our kids at some point.
  • I had mushrooms for supper tonight. Is all I could find in the fridge. Victoria and Liam had left over pasta. I don’t do left overs… okay maybe ribs and pizza but that is about it.
  • I’ve tried to eat better this week and I can count one, maybe two days where I did a really excellent job… the rest was so-so.
  • It was time for my phone upgrade and I must say MTN Norwood was a pleasure to do business with. Terrin was a gem.
  • I phoned numerous times asking questions (mostly, why does only the bottom of the range come in purple?), I took my clever husband with to ask questions (only to find the Terrin is a lady he taught), I have been over the purpleberry vs a proper berry numerous times with anyone who would listen…. Even Jenna (7) said to me one day, just buy a purple cover “Kwis” (she can’t say Chris)
  •  …………. and eventually when the day came, I took darling Liam with me and I decided on the Blackberry Torch.
  • Liam was demonstrating phones to all potential customers while I continued to ask more questions, declare myself very IT literate when told operating 6 can be difficult … and you know what? I was right – I am doing just dandy.
  • Phone is all set up, I needed assistant with the work calendar/e-mail but all my personal bits are loaded…. I did not think I would like the slide of the keyboard, nor the touch screen… but after playing with the Bold, I just liked the Torch better and Liam did say I mentioned I wanna be a cool kid!
  • Yip, no purple – but sexy all the same.
  • Thanksgiving is this Sunday. I’m nervous. It’s the 10th one.
  • People have been crap at the RSVP thing as always and I have not had the energy to go and contact each person to hear if they coming.
  • So… if you there – YAY, I love you more now… and if you are not – sorry to you. 
  • I have done what I can.
  • I am however VERY excited at what I have done!!!
  • One thing I have done different this year which I have never done before is ask my small business owner friends to donate a gift to the lucky draw!
  • Wow, you guys are the best. I have some awesome gifts to give away on Sunday. I think I may need to include my ticket because I can do with a gift also LOL. Dammit.
  • We are dressing up for a Mad Hatters type theme and in our quest for dress up clothes, I found this:
  • Think I will skip the blonde bits.
  • I’ve been getting use to having fish and chips on Fridays. Pretending I am Catholic, Hail Mary en so… even explained to the kids about Catholics but no money this week for fish and chip. So sad.
  • Noid and I did manage to see the wonderful Johanny Clegg in concert at Emmarentia. I loved it!!!!
  • Although my sales are not so outstanding this month, I am very happy and thankful for the support I have received for Tranquil Body Treats.
  • Leigh-Ann (the mastermind) has gone out of her way to assist me and I truly appreciate it.
  • It is different when you truly LOVE the product. When I get out the bath and I smell that vanilla on my skin, or the lemon grass in the mornings… it is magical… and you WANT to share that magic with everyone.
  • My Victoria (11) has been reading non stop. Think she is a bit bored now that exams are over.
  • She wrote the most beautiful poem the other day, that just stuck such a chord with me. I actually copied it and put it up at my office. 
  • One thing I can say, none of my kids are shallow. YAY!!!!
  • Kevin is in matric next year, matric jacket ordered… it says THE DARK LORD on it. LOL Fucking hell. I never said my kids are normal.
  • I want a cactus for my desk at work so people will stop putting their papers on my desk. It annoys me and I am mental enough already. I don’t need annoyance.
  • We saw Summer of Love at the Barnyard recently which was great fun.
  • I wore a shirt I know Noid hates, he pretended he liked it because it looked 60-ish… but the evening was really nice with pizza and Spin’s which my ulcer didn’t appreciate.
  • Noid’s parents also came along as well as many people from Noid’s work. I thought his parents dressing up was really cool. Seriously.
  • Noid’s two younger children stayed while their mom went away for a week. It went very well, except for a small mosquito war. Victoria looked like she may have measles LOL.
  • The smaller kids attended ExMi’s kid’s birthday party .
  • Lots of fun with ice cream and cupcakes. Yum.
  • There was a fun day for the younger kids at my work.
  • It was more proper than I thought it would be and I actually enjoyed it.
  • Since I moved branches at work I am 100% happier and work is once again a good, happy and successful place for me.
  • I receive many pats on the back, many compliments and I appear not to have been a fuckwit at all! Who knew?
  • I’m thrilled. I still earn the same, same hours – everything – I am just HAPPIER.
  • Noid and I are still living apart. Enough said.
  • Liam is doing fine. Hasn’t set anything or anyone alight…. he has been good at studying daily, since he fell in the pool and cut his hand open he hasn’t been so good at cleaning the pool… but we still love him and he is still beautiful as always.
  • He is buttering me up second to none to get my old phone Nokia E71. 🙂
  • Model text book child.
  • Kevin and Nic – also fine.
  • Kevin is finished with exams…
  • Nic has some subs to write… but they getting older, not wiser and eat more by the day.

…. so I will probably only blog again after THANKSGIVING on Sunday…. let me remind you that thanksgiving is a way of life…. and not just a single day to remember to be thankful.

Love, loves –

Wenchy

    

These gems have life in them: their colors speak, say what words fail of.

Noid’s mom asked me the other day if I alternate my engagement rings. At the time I thought it an odd question and then realized that Noid and I are odd, have done things in non-traditional ways and I am sure lots about us make no sense whatsoever! …. so her question was actually quite a valid one!

Not sure if Noid’s Mom reads my blog so ‘Hello Mother Mary!!!’ – if you reading this.”

Noid proposed beginning of August 2009 with a rock, as in a physical ROCK he picked up in the Drakensberg…All along I had a ring in my head, Noid suggested having one made, but didn’t like the designer LOL…. anyway – we just didn’t find it…, so eventually we found a ring in November 2009 that we both liked…. probably a week before our engagement party which was the same day as Thanksgiving. Yay! I loved the ring, Noid thought it was a bit much….as in over the top ha ha ha… “What about a diamond?”

Around May 2010 I walked past a jeweller and saw THE RING… you know the one I had in my head all the time that we couldn’t find? I loved it. I had to have it. Yes, it was considerably more pricey than the one I was wearing, and much to poor Noid’s thought, it was even more over the top (but so me!) and I just had to have it.

Please do NOT get me wrong. I am NOT saying my original ring was not good enough, or not expensive enough, or anything ‘enough’…. I am saying THIS was the ring of my dreams. *sigh* Noid very kindly had a look at it, mentioned how he will have to take a second job and how this one was even more over the top (read:  BIG) than my original engagement ring…. but he bought it for me ’cause he can love me.

So….. in my head I do not have two engagement rings. I wear only the square amethyst as my ‘official and only and much beloved engagement ring’ and the other as a dress ring occasionally.

When it came to choose a wedding band, Noid wanted to buy two encrusted diamond bands (one to go on each side)but I only wanted one… I have never just had a single wedding band before… so I have one encrusted diamond wedding band. 🙂

I admit, I love the ring. The engagement ring is a beautiful purple. It is loud and yes, over the top, it is unconventional and I get many comments on it… mostly that it suits who I am…. It is pretty and the exact setting I wanted. The wedding band is more emotional in I remember the words Noid said as he put it on exactly two months ago today… and it is beautiful and matches the engagement ring = PERFECTLY.

I truly love it. 🙂

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

You are your own judge.  The verdict is up to you. 

~Astrid Alauda

 


My dear own self,

Sometimes there are very little I love about you. You annoy me allot. You frustrate me endless and you seem hell-bent on self-destruction some days. Sometimes I am afraid for you. You have caused me great disappointment, anxiety and sometimes I have not been very proud of your actions, nor behavior.

However, what I do love about you is that you keep going. Some really crap things have happened to you… yes, crap things happen to everyone, but sometimes I think you have had a variety of issues thrown your way from when you were little until now…. and you have struggled but overcome plenty. Okay, so some demons still haunt you. Accept you are human and you cannot control everything, nor fix it.

I am proud of you for acknowledging the good things that happen to you, like starting the Thanksgiving tradition ten years ago. Be sentimental, feel…. I know you would rather be vulnerable than feeling nothing. I am proud that you are vocal about gratitude and if somebody has done something good to you, or for you – you say so. Oupa Mike would have said you have shown character and I know you would believe anything he said. I also know you miss him. I am sure he misses you also.

I love how you extend a hand of friendship even when truly, some people does not deserve it. You really try because I know you just want everything and everyone to be okay. I love that you give compliments freely because you mean them, not because it is expected or the right thing to do. I love that you would buy the car guard coffee because it is cold or give an extra tip because you were given extra. You are generous… not always financially, but in spirit.

I am proud of you for being open about your anxiety, depression and general eccentric behavior – perhaps it will leave just one person who feels the same, with less of a stigma to know everyone is NOT all okay as they pretend to be.. and there is help available.

I am proud of you for trying to be a good mother, although you slightly mad and really not always conventional – I know you come from a good place.  I think your kids will one day know that you did the best with what you knew how. I am sure they wished you baked more cookies from scratch or played play dough… but they will go to therapy and they will forgive you – eventually. I know they may not always like you, nor understand you, but I also believe they will always love you….. and deep down be glad they were born to you. I know they will remember the notes or sweets hidden in their bags, or glitter inside pencil cases.

I know you would give your life for their happiness but I don’t think anyone will ever understand just how passionate you are about allowing them to be who they are, because you fought so hard to clear the path so you could be who YOU are. I know… and I am proud of you.

My dear own self, I think you are a pretty crappy cook, but your one dish oven cooking has turned out pretty decent along with help from Woolworths. I love the effort you make with the setting of the table even when others thing you over the top and it is unnecessary. I love that you make sure there is pudding if dinner is at the table, you are proper that way…. and off course, the serviette obsession. 🙂 You make me laugh, it is so silly, but I know to you it is serious – even precious. I know you want to be remembered for these things.

I do like the way you remember people’s details like birthday and anniversaries and you try to remember to wish them… and sometimes you celebrate private anniversaries or birthdays in your heart because those people are not around anymore. I know you think people will think you are even more mental, so you don’t say the things you remember out loud. Is okay… they don’t know the people who have mattered and they won’t understand why you feel as sentimental as you do… and that is okay. You don’t forget…. and I know you wouldn’t want anyone to forget your birthday.

I hate that you delete your blog, Flickr, Twitter and FB when you are really sad and upset…. but I love that you go back and start again… I love love love that besides your ‘negative’ bits you strongly believe that there is no such thing as ‘IT’S TOO LATE….. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE.’  Don’t think people always know how to reconcile your thoughts, behaviors and beliefs because they can be so confusing in their opposites, but I know where you come from … and it’s good Dorothy of Oz.

I love that you love being the wife, that you don’t wanna climb the corporate ladder but you do want to enjoy your job… I love that you will rather take pictures and read a book than pretend and go somewhere you don’t wanna go. I love how much pleasure you get from your engagement ring, and how wearing your wedding ring is a sense of great pride for you. I know how you look at your husband and I know how you feel…. I see your smile.

I know how important being a wife, partner, friend, companion, lover, sexually fulfilled woman is to you to one man…. and I am proud of you that you have kept going and found him. I know you had a difficult time a few years back even believing it was possible, but you got there and you tried again. You didn’t stop believing. I know your husband tries very hard to fulfill your every need and wish. I really do believe he is doing the best he can for you….. remember to acknowledge all he does for you because he is more like you than you think at times….. He will walk with you, trust in his love and live with the conviction I know you feel inside. I know right now you feel pretty alone often, and day-to-day living is hard – but it will pass again and he will be right beside you…. annoying you. 🙂 It is going to be okay.

I love when you laugh. I wish you laughed more often. I wish you sang more in the car and you truly are going to need botox if you don’t stop frowning. I love that you can’t do maths and am not shy to say it. No need to pretend perfection. I also love you don’t do actions ’cause you hate looking stupid.

I love that you try very hard to be a good wife and step-mom although it has been under difficult circumstances these past few months. I know you feel betrayed that the kids complain about you because I know how hard you have tried and worked at your relationship with them. I want to remind you that they are just children and that their Mom probably doesn’t sing your praises all day long which will cause damage and there isn’t much you can do about it. Remember that light is stronger than darkness and that they will love you for who you are as a person and not because you are married to their father.

I love that Nic calls you Mom and has accepted you as you are…. I love that you love him as much as you do, that you care what happens to him and that you will remind his dad to call just in case he forgot. I know you are afraid that Nic will not know that your caring is your truth. He knows. Don’t worry about it anymore.

I love how you have embraced your children’s friends. I love how they all call you Mom and how they come to your aid. You have done plenty right. I love that you try where you can to help them and all you really want is just for one of them to grow up and say ‘she touched my life and made a difference’…. I know how badly you want your life to have mattered and made a difference.

I love that you are not a cookie cutter person. I love that you say fuck allot, have lots of tattoos and don’t just agree with anyone or anything just for the sake of it. I love that you will have purple stripes in your hair if that takes your fancy or paint your toe nails green….  and that you actually do believe in fairies…. Prince Charming and that deep down you do believe the white picket fence exists…. even if yours will never be white again.

I love your passion for the things you believe in. I love that you stand up for those things… and I love that you follow your heart, even when the price is harsh sometimes. I love that you do forgive others, that you do offer people another chance even when deep down you know they will never give you the same. 

I do think you need to step back and let people in a bit more…. there really are people who do want to just love you and not cause you pain. I know you have difficulty trusting because you have hurt plenty. I understand where you come from. I know life has not shown you that this is truth… but try… all I can ask is that you try…. and while I am asking, please, try forgive yourself? You know what I mean.

I know you see the world as dark and lonely at times, but I want to remind you that you are loved and generally, things do work out okay, even if it is not the way you initially imagined.

My biggest wish for you, my own self, is that one day, you will see that it doesn’t matter that you are not thin, or that you were the only kid with divorced parents, or that you have been married three times, or that your kids all have different eye colours or that you not rich….. or have all that the world declares for you to have to have been successful – you are enough… just as you are. You always have been.

I love you. I believe in you. There is no reason for you not to be all you so deeply desire and dream.

All you need, you already have.

I am glad you were born.

Love, loves –

me

It’s like, at the end, there’s this surprise quiz:  am I proud of me?  I gave my life to become the person I am right now!  Was it worth what I paid?  ~Richard Bach

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I have given this question much thought.

 My first thought was to say that I am not a very positive person and because I am depressive I must be negative. I was going to write that I hope I can change so that everyone (Noid) will think I’m lovely all the time – and life will be sunshine and roses – but that is crap. Even he will tell you so, I do grow a beautiful garden of black roses in my head all the time.

This said, my default emotion is anxiety and I often feel the pangs of my most faithful dark mistress, depression and often do feel lost in the “Yes we can!” world…. but as with all things, hence the ying yang on my wrist… there is good and bad in everyone and everything.

I am actually not all doom and gloom and negativity – how else would have earned the cheerleader nickname or been married three times? I clearly am optimistic and welcoming of challenges. *smile* Many people often compliment on my fabulous sense of funny outlook and ability to get back up. There must be something more to me than “Hello, have you met my wife? Mrs Death?”

 *insert wild throws of laughter here*

 In counseling others I am actually brimming with positives, giving hope, and helping them believe the future is fucking fabulous! I may not always be able to do it for myself but I know from the feedback received that I’ve inspired others to live life abundantly, have assisted and given a shoulder to live better, bigger and faster. Okay, not faster. Death is imminent. hehehheh

 HOWEVER, and this is a big however – when I DO hit negative, I hit it hard – you know like I do everything else. I go big, or I go home. So instead of saying “Yes, you are right, I’m acting like a fuckwit and seeing something from a kak place and I really do not need to end my life because of this… ’ … there could very possibly be a more sunshine and roses view, I will shut down, block out the noise (people), probably eat something that could feed a small African country for a week and/or hide in the bathroom….. or when my real shine of a personality come out, get in my car and fuck off LEAVE. Run Wenchy run… don’t deal with the issue – run!

 So, in reality I am not a negative person by default. What I truly am is stubborn and hard-headed with a screwed up biological make up who has difficulty to see only sunshine and insist on bringing an umbrella sometimes.

I wish I could be less stubborn, less anxious but still wear black because my ass is rather large….  and be more open to love, life and laughter…..

I wish to be less stubborn and accept that sometimes I really do see things from a truly DARK place and that my view because of many reasons may just be a tad screwed up… and that things may just work out.

So, while I don’t see my biological make-up changing, I hope to be more aware of my reactions because I don’t want to be Cruella De Ville. I’m more more Peter Pan who never wants to grow up and live forever – if you really knew me…. but then, I also keep Eeyore all over the place. 🙂

My mind is a delightfully screwed up but beautiful place. It is open for visits… make an appointment.

Bring cake.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Neither Noid, nor I want more children (since we have many, we are old and want to travel when we feel like it)…. I however strongly believe that if you are going to born, you will… so if I found myself pregnant, (while having tried to prevent it) … we will just have to deal with it… sell off some of the older kids to make space…. and get cracking on borrowing, buying and trading for baby goods!