Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I have given this question much thought.

 My first thought was to say that I am not a very positive person and because I am depressive I must be negative. I was going to write that I hope I can change so that everyone (Noid) will think I’m lovely all the time – and life will be sunshine and roses – but that is crap. Even he will tell you so, I do grow a beautiful garden of black roses in my head all the time.

This said, my default emotion is anxiety and I often feel the pangs of my most faithful dark mistress, depression and often do feel lost in the “Yes we can!” world…. but as with all things, hence the ying yang on my wrist… there is good and bad in everyone and everything.

I am actually not all doom and gloom and negativity – how else would have earned the cheerleader nickname or been married three times? I clearly am optimistic and welcoming of challenges. *smile* Many people often compliment on my fabulous sense of funny outlook and ability to get back up. There must be something more to me than “Hello, have you met my wife? Mrs Death?”

 *insert wild throws of laughter here*

 In counseling others I am actually brimming with positives, giving hope, and helping them believe the future is fucking fabulous! I may not always be able to do it for myself but I know from the feedback received that I’ve inspired others to live life abundantly, have assisted and given a shoulder to live better, bigger and faster. Okay, not faster. Death is imminent. hehehheh

 HOWEVER, and this is a big however – when I DO hit negative, I hit it hard – you know like I do everything else. I go big, or I go home. So instead of saying “Yes, you are right, I’m acting like a fuckwit and seeing something from a kak place and I really do not need to end my life because of this… ’ … there could very possibly be a more sunshine and roses view, I will shut down, block out the noise (people), probably eat something that could feed a small African country for a week and/or hide in the bathroom….. or when my real shine of a personality come out, get in my car and fuck off LEAVE. Run Wenchy run… don’t deal with the issue – run!

 So, in reality I am not a negative person by default. What I truly am is stubborn and hard-headed with a screwed up biological make up who has difficulty to see only sunshine and insist on bringing an umbrella sometimes.

I wish I could be less stubborn, less anxious but still wear black because my ass is rather large….  and be more open to love, life and laughter…..

I wish to be less stubborn and accept that sometimes I really do see things from a truly DARK place and that my view because of many reasons may just be a tad screwed up… and that things may just work out.

So, while I don’t see my biological make-up changing, I hope to be more aware of my reactions because I don’t want to be Cruella De Ville. I’m more more Peter Pan who never wants to grow up and live forever – if you really knew me…. but then, I also keep Eeyore all over the place. 🙂

My mind is a delightfully screwed up but beautiful place. It is open for visits… make an appointment.

Bring cake.

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8 thoughts on “Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

  1. MandyMoo says:

    I do love you!!!
    You have inspired me on more than one occasion. (My mind is a delightfully screwed up but beautiful place) Thank you for being this person.

    Like

  2. Ginger says:

    My god you must be my lost sister in some way, you know that? Damn you have said so well the shit (I actually caught myself writing KAK the other day and realized nobody would know what it meant) that goes on in my head. The darkness is a constant companion and some days I just want to sit in it and dwell in it and be so very very still and the people won’t leave me alone. Yes, there is so much noise. But if you were to ask people they would all say I’m optimistic and full of light. I think. Who knows, maybe they all just shake their heads and put up with me. And speaking of putting up with me, the depression crap is so hard for my wonderful husband. He does not understand it at all. And he’s not very good at giving me what I need through it all…I try to tell him but he loses patience with me when I am dark. And as you know, when you’re dark you really can’t stand yet another bad thing from an external source. So it can feel pretty hopeless here at times. I’ve learned that the dark and light are cycles and they do ebb and flow. But like you, I wish I could have a bit more of the light stuff. (can you tell it’s getting into winter here and I don’t deal with the resultant darkness very well.) Where is summer when I need it? Oh yeah, it’s down there bothering you and making you wish for winter!

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  3. SirNoid says:

    I Love You Regardless.

    Dit is al!

    I hope I can be the husband who does understand…. all the time….. for you, my dream.

    Can I have an appointment? (That made me laugh…You were there)

    Like

  4. Marianna says:

    You are so loved, gal…

    You’re an inspiration. You’ve inspired me to get back to blogging. I’m also going to undertake this daunting task of attempting this 30 day mission of answering these questions. I have them copied, so I will give it a try!

    M~

    Like

  5. Noid says:

    I love you even more now!

    You said this below also which proves that no matter how hard life and challenges get you have hope and believe it will be OK

    ” I know you see the world as dark and lonely at times, but I want to remind you that you are loved and generally, things do work out okay, even if it is not the way you initially imagined.”

    You are truly the best person I know and I am the luckiest man in the world.

    I love you 14

    Like

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