Nocturnal Wenchy

You are your own judge.  The verdict is up to you. 

~Astrid Alauda

My dear own self,

Sometimes there are very little I love about you. You annoy me allot. You frustrate me endless and you seem hell-bent on self-destruction some days. Sometimes I am afraid for you. You have caused me great disappointment, anxiety and sometimes I have not been very proud of your actions, nor behavior.

However, what I do love about you is that you keep going. Some really crap things have happened to you… yes, crap things happen to everyone, but sometimes I think you have had a variety of issues thrown your way from when you were little until now…. and you have struggled but overcome plenty. Okay, so some demons still haunt you. Accept you are human and you cannot control everything, nor fix it.

I am proud of you for acknowledging the good things that happen to you, like starting the Thanksgiving tradition ten years ago. Be sentimental, feel…. I know you would rather be vulnerable than feeling nothing. I am proud that you are vocal about gratitude and if somebody has done something good to you, or for you – you say so. Oupa Mike would have said you have shown character and I know you would believe anything he said. I also know you miss him. I am sure he misses you also.

I love how you extend a hand of friendship even when truly, some people does not deserve it. You really try because I know you just want everything and everyone to be okay. I love that you give compliments freely because you mean them, not because it is expected or the right thing to do. I love that you would buy the car guard coffee because it is cold or give an extra tip because you were given extra. You are generous… not always financially, but in spirit.

I am proud of you for being open about your anxiety, depression and general eccentric behavior – perhaps it will leave just one person who feels the same, with less of a stigma to know everyone is NOT all okay as they pretend to be.. and there is help available.

I am proud of you for trying to be a good mother, although you slightly mad and really not always conventional – I know you come from a good place.  I think your kids will one day know that you did the best with what you knew how. I am sure they wished you baked more cookies from scratch or played play dough… but they will go to therapy and they will forgive you – eventually. I know they may not always like you, nor understand you, but I also believe they will always love you….. and deep down be glad they were born to you. I know they will remember the notes or sweets hidden in their bags, or glitter inside pencil cases.

I know you would give your life for their happiness but I don’t think anyone will ever understand just how passionate you are about allowing them to be who they are, because you fought so hard to clear the path so you could be who YOU are. I know… and I am proud of you.

My dear own self, I think you are a pretty crappy cook, but your one dish oven cooking has turned out pretty decent along with help from Woolworths. I love the effort you make with the setting of the table even when others thing you over the top and it is unnecessary. I love that you make sure there is pudding if dinner is at the table, you are proper that way…. and off course, the serviette obsession. 🙂 You make me laugh, it is so silly, but I know to you it is serious – even precious. I know you want to be remembered for these things.

I do like the way you remember people’s details like birthday and anniversaries and you try to remember to wish them… and sometimes you celebrate private anniversaries or birthdays in your heart because those people are not around anymore. I know you think people will think you are even more mental, so you don’t say the things you remember out loud. Is okay… they don’t know the people who have mattered and they won’t understand why you feel as sentimental as you do… and that is okay. You don’t forget…. and I know you wouldn’t want anyone to forget your birthday.

I hate that you delete your blog, Flickr, Twitter and FB when you are really sad and upset…. but I love that you go back and start again… I love love love that besides your ‘negative’ bits you strongly believe that there is no such thing as ‘IT’S TOO LATE….. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE.’  Don’t think people always know how to reconcile your thoughts, behaviors and beliefs because they can be so confusing in their opposites, but I know where you come from … and it’s good Dorothy of Oz.

I love that you love being the wife, that you don’t wanna climb the corporate ladder but you do want to enjoy your job… I love that you will rather take pictures and read a book than pretend and go somewhere you don’t wanna go. I love how much pleasure you get from your engagement ring, and how wearing your wedding ring is a sense of great pride for you. I know how you look at your husband and I know how you feel…. I see your smile.

I know how important being a wife, partner, friend, companion, lover, sexually fulfilled woman is to you to one man…. and I am proud of you that you have kept going and found him. I know you had a difficult time a few years back even believing it was possible, but you got there and you tried again. You didn’t stop believing. I know your husband tries very hard to fulfill your every need and wish. I really do believe he is doing the best he can for you….. remember to acknowledge all he does for you because he is more like you than you think at times….. He will walk with you, trust in his love and live with the conviction I know you feel inside. I know right now you feel pretty alone often, and day-to-day living is hard – but it will pass again and he will be right beside you…. annoying you. 🙂 It is going to be okay.

I love when you laugh. I wish you laughed more often. I wish you sang more in the car and you truly are going to need botox if you don’t stop frowning. I love that you can’t do maths and am not shy to say it. No need to pretend perfection. I also love you don’t do actions ’cause you hate looking stupid.

I love that you try very hard to be a good wife and step-mom although it has been under difficult circumstances these past few months. I know you feel betrayed that the kids complain about you because I know how hard you have tried and worked at your relationship with them. I want to remind you that they are just children and that their Mom probably doesn’t sing your praises all day long which will cause damage and there isn’t much you can do about it. Remember that light is stronger than darkness and that they will love you for who you are as a person and not because you are married to their father.

I love that Nic calls you Mom and has accepted you as you are…. I love that you love him as much as you do, that you care what happens to him and that you will remind his dad to call just in case he forgot. I know you are afraid that Nic will not know that your caring is your truth. He knows. Don’t worry about it anymore.

I love how you have embraced your children’s friends. I love how they all call you Mom and how they come to your aid. You have done plenty right. I love that you try where you can to help them and all you really want is just for one of them to grow up and say ‘she touched my life and made a difference’…. I know how badly you want your life to have mattered and made a difference.

I love that you are not a cookie cutter person. I love that you say fuck allot, have lots of tattoos and don’t just agree with anyone or anything just for the sake of it. I love that you will have purple stripes in your hair if that takes your fancy or paint your toe nails green….  and that you actually do believe in fairies…. Prince Charming and that deep down you do believe the white picket fence exists…. even if yours will never be white again.

I love your passion for the things you believe in. I love that you stand up for those things… and I love that you follow your heart, even when the price is harsh sometimes. I love that you do forgive others, that you do offer people another chance even when deep down you know they will never give you the same. 

I do think you need to step back and let people in a bit more…. there really are people who do want to just love you and not cause you pain. I know you have difficulty trusting because you have hurt plenty. I understand where you come from. I know life has not shown you that this is truth… but try… all I can ask is that you try…. and while I am asking, please, try forgive yourself? You know what I mean.

I know you see the world as dark and lonely at times, but I want to remind you that you are loved and generally, things do work out okay, even if it is not the way you initially imagined.

My biggest wish for you, my own self, is that one day, you will see that it doesn’t matter that you are not thin, or that you were the only kid with divorced parents, or that you have been married three times, or that your kids all have different eye colours or that you not rich….. or have all that the world declares for you to have to have been successful – you are enough… just as you are. You always have been.

I love you. I believe in you. There is no reason for you not to be all you so deeply desire and dream.

All you need, you already have.

I am glad you were born.

Love, loves –

me

It’s like, at the end, there’s this surprise quiz:  am I proud of me?  I gave my life to become the person I am right now!  Was it worth what I paid?  ~Richard Bach