... a bit of that

sunflower

17 January 2011  – I took this picture outside Noid’s x’s house this morning when I collected Douglas and Jenna to take them to school. Funny that his x and I both have the same favourite flower. (Yellow roses being my equally best liked flower.) Anyhow, there are sunflowers planted outside her house so while I waited for the kids, I got out and took this one picture. It is very pretty to me.

  • I still have had zero Tranquil Body Treat orders for this month. None, except my own as I’ve run out of quite a few things.
  •  A friend of Victoria’s mom is currently working near the boys school and offered to drop them so I dropped her daughter (Victoria’s best friend) and mine, as well as my two youngest (step) children (I so hate that word) as their Mom is not well.
  • I am so very thankful. It changed my entire day today.  Life really is in the details – Thanks Lynne!!!!
  • Kids are all into school, books covered, pencils sharpened and homework and extra murals have started… they appear to be getting cracking. I’m glad.
  • Victoria still needs a new black school costume and new summer uniform as hers is too small, Liam needs new school shirts, they starting to look shabby…..they all need haircuts. Kev still needs one IT text-book and then we sorted. Almost there.
  • Since Lent for Liam disintegrated when I stopped begging, running it and hated feeling embarrassed…. I am worried about Liam’s monthly fees and the additional admin fee for the year ahead. Liam did really well last year academically so the school definitely is benefitting him (only 3 grade 9’s in his class this year) so Noid and I will somehow pull it off. We have no choice, this is what this child needs to succeed.
  • As for the living arrangements….. on 22 August last year Noid and I had a very ugly argument resulting in me kicking him out… naturally that was not an easy decision but one I felt necessary. I do not regret it. We have learned and grown tremendously because of it… we have also hurt tremendously raw and painful.
  • Noid moved on with his life (I admit, he did it with what seemed such ease, I felt I clearly didn’t mean much or was hard to get over… ), found a new house, furnished it and got on with his life.
  • Really nasty things were said and done back and forth and I admit, I contemplated ending my life over one particular incident. I don’t have any savings and had to replace all the appliances Noid had left with. It was a struggle for everyone. It was heartbreaking. 
  • Noid and I had no or very little contact  and while his family and friends closed in around him, mine did the same. Three weeks later, he invited me for coffee to talk…. it was a difficult, hard, intense but ground breaking discussion….. and no, there was no sex involved! 😛 
  • We got married a week later on a mountain top – 24 September. Romantic hey? In reality, not so much in the aftermath of living separately dealing with friends and family judgement and criticism (even if justified) etc.
  • It has not been easy, but our relationship has improved a million percent and things between us are hugely different. We now know how bad things can turn out perhaps, or maybe we just doing things differently, or maybe all of the above… neither one of us really wanted to give up “The Waltons” dream.
  • We are now stuck with two houses (5km apart, double expenses etc…). Naturally Noid signed a lease at his new house and we have been considering either him buying into my current house, or if I should sell and us get a new house together.
  • Us moving in with him is not an option as his place is far to small, and to be honest it is not a place I would have chosen had we chose something together.
  • This is the longest I have stayed anywhere since I left my grandparents home when I was 11 – so emotionally this is huge for me…. anyone who knows me knows how I struggle with “emotional security” in having my ‘things‘. I love this house…. but I also love my husband. 
  • It is emotionally much more complicated than explained here coming from both sides. I hope I make some sense however, and you have some idea of the difficulties we face….
  • We had hoped it would take us six months to sort it all out, but we have been married almost four months and we still living separately. It is hard on so many levels, make no mistake – but it will be okay in the end.
  • Since you all come here often to follow the journey – I felt I owed your loyalty to fill in the blanks.
  • After all, these are merely the details of my life which is how I see blogging – choosing to publically share the details which is my life…

One day I will be dead and gone to wonder accross the meadow to my Hallmark heaven, and my best friend and soulmate, Melany will probably be the one to say my final goodbye on this blog (as she knows all my passwords and my poor husband with his smoking and Coke addiction assures me he is not gonna live to be very old – seriously positive coming from him hey? – lol) and fill you in on my final details… Make sure to wish them enough my friend, because there is no way I am burying you. God can’t be that cruel.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited the world.

–Mary Oliver

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

14 thoughts on “sunflower”

  1. We each live with our own ups and downs. The real trick is to do everything you do with passion and gusto. Even that what we don’t like. To live each day to the fullest so that we can say at the end of the day, “I feel good”. As for relationships, well done that you and your hubby could work things out. Know how they can get bull headed at times. As long as we can understand that there are a fundamental differences between men and women and that there are reasons for doing the things that we do. Understanding the why’s and wherefore’s are crucial to our co-existence with our partners. Wishing the ‘Waltons’ an abundance of all good things. Much love.

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  2. Blanks filled in….
    Hope it stops all the questions and emails.

    Glad you posted that for people to see.

    So glad you mentioned “we” will get through things and that you see light at the end of the tunnel

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  3. i also hate the word step. especially in our situation where Richard’s step mother really was an evil bitch like in the movies. Technically, i’m not even jordan’s step mother yet, because there’s no paperwork. saying “my fiance’s soon” sounds like i have no connection to the child i’ve helped raise since he was 5 moonths old though.

    Gah. blended families. beautiful yet still confusing.

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  4. You just so get it!!! and my favourite flower is a yellow rose too. So pleased I found such an awesome, ‘getting it’ person on the net. Yay for you!! xx

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  5. …. I will wish them enough but we will be very old when it comes time and I’ll probably have to contact Quintus or Kevin to come help with the writing since I won’t be able to see properly. So deur die trane en die swak oe.

    I love you. I know how frustrating this kind of living is for you.

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  6. Wow, that is quite something. But hat’s off to you for persevering and not just throwing a whole relationship away – which is often the easiest thing to do huh?

    Good luck and i hope that you sell you house soon (as difficult as it may be) and you adn Sir noid can build your own space together.

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