The dark lord

21 January 2011 = We collected Kevin’s Matric {final year of school here in South Africa} at a cost of R400 for a jacket they wear twice a week…

Kevin has coloured his hair pitch black which is not allowed at school. His deputy Principal said to him yesterday…’ Mr Kevin, I see your hair is much darker than last year’… to which Kevin replied ‘I see so also Sir.’ The dark lord indeed. LOL

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20 January 2011  –  This has been an incredibly sad day for me.

I log onto Face Book every morning, and was met with messages of condolences for Dawn. It took me a moment or two before I realized what it meant. Shocked, I audibly sat on my bed saying the word “no“. I got in touch with a mutual friend of ours, Tammy who confirmed the sad news.

Dawn and I met via Angel’s blog many, many years ago…. and although she seldom commented here, we would e-mail. Dawn is from the area I live in, but had relocated to New Jersey, USA some years ago. During my divorce she sat with me talking for long periods of time to help me through dark moments on Skype, she sent books, notes, thoughts… I helped her with her mom’s pension ’cause I work for the company that administrates it and can honestly say she was one of the wisest, most compassionate, sincere, loving and humble woman I have ever met.

My picture today hopes to symbolize how friendships are formed online that last, that are real, that touch and change your life, although the closest you may ever come to “touching” is reaching for your computer screen. I am deeply sad at Dawn’s passing and I wish her family a long life.

Joisey Girl – I will miss you with sincerity and think of you with much affection. We both know you saved my life that night. I hope to do many mitzvahs* in memory of what you did for me.

I wish you enough,


*A charitable act – a good deed. 


19 January 2011 ~ Book I was re~reading …..all about coming from a place of love. Much better than The Secret which to me read like an infomercial.

  • I subscribe to a few weight loss blogs to give me inspiration I guess, but am getting very bored with people just writing down what they ate! … or a recipe (with pictures) on how to make some sort of low GI whatever with chickpeas in it. Unsubscribe.
  • Can’t wait to see the dentist on Feb 10th. I need a large dose of anti~biotics for this new gum infection and lotsa pain killers before, during and after the next root canal! I am very tired of this constant ache….even smiling hurts!!!!! That is just not proper.
  • I seriously thought today was Thursday. Not.
  • I feel better than I did this morning.
  • I am so thankful Kevin offered to make supper.


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  • things

    18 January 2011 ~ Our youngest daughter, Jenna-Lee. Photo taken when I dropped the kids at school this morning. She agreed with me that morning came toooo soon!

  • I am thankful Lynne dropped the boys at school again this morning.
  • My new ID arrived with my new married surname with my picture making me look like a convict!
  • I have not walked today as it was raining and I did not feel for the treadmill or driving to gym.
  • My house goes on the market this week. Very mixed emotions for me on that.
  • I suggested lunch with Noid’s parents on Sunday. I try be proper. We going to a fanTy sounding place in Irene. Nice!

  • Best I walk before then so I can have pudding!!
  • Taking some strain at work…. besides that, my work PC is giving me issues again leading to much frustration!

  • The muscle spasm feeling in my neck and shoulders are back. Liam does rub me some Deep Heat, but when I get paid I need to go for a neck, shoulder massage as there is something unpleasant happening there.
  • Victoria is now in the school choir. Yay for Chicken! Can’t believe next year is her final year in primary school.


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    17 January 2011  – I took this picture outside Noid’s x’s house this morning when I collected Douglas and Jenna to take them to school. Funny that his x and I both have the same favourite flower. (Yellow roses being my equally best liked flower.) Anyhow, there are sunflowers planted outside her house so while I waited for the kids, I got out and took this one picture. It is very pretty to me.

    • I still have had zero Tranquil Body Treat orders for this month. None, except my own as I’ve run out of quite a few things.
    •  A friend of Victoria’s mom is currently working near the boys school and offered to drop them so I dropped her daughter (Victoria’s best friend) and mine, as well as my two youngest (step) children (I so hate that word) as their Mom is not well.
    • I am so very thankful. It changed my entire day today.  Life really is in the details – Thanks Lynne!!!!
    • Kids are all into school, books covered, pencils sharpened and homework and extra murals have started… they appear to be getting cracking. I’m glad.
    • Victoria still needs a new black school costume and new summer uniform as hers is too small, Liam needs new school shirts, they starting to look shabby…..they all need haircuts. Kev still needs one IT text-book and then we sorted. Almost there.
    • Since Lent for Liam disintegrated when I stopped begging, running it and hated feeling embarrassed…. I am worried about Liam’s monthly fees and the additional admin fee for the year ahead. Liam did really well last year academically so the school definitely is benefitting him (only 3 grade 9’s in his class this year) so Noid and I will somehow pull it off. We have no choice, this is what this child needs to succeed.
    • As for the living arrangements….. on 22 August last year Noid and I had a very ugly argument resulting in me kicking him out… naturally that was not an easy decision but one I felt necessary. I do not regret it. We have learned and grown tremendously because of it… we have also hurt tremendously raw and painful.
    • Noid moved on with his life (I admit, he did it with what seemed such ease, I felt I clearly didn’t mean much or was hard to get over… ), found a new house, furnished it and got on with his life.
    • Really nasty things were said and done back and forth and I admit, I contemplated ending my life over one particular incident. I don’t have any savings and had to replace all the appliances Noid had left with. It was a struggle for everyone. It was heartbreaking. 
    • Noid and I had no or very little contact  and while his family and friends closed in around him, mine did the same. Three weeks later, he invited me for coffee to talk…. it was a difficult, hard, intense but ground breaking discussion….. and no, there was no sex involved! 😛 
    • We got married a week later on a mountain top – 24 September. Romantic hey? In reality, not so much in the aftermath of living separately dealing with friends and family judgement and criticism (even if justified) etc.
    • It has not been easy, but our relationship has improved a million percent and things between us are hugely different. We now know how bad things can turn out perhaps, or maybe we just doing things differently, or maybe all of the above… neither one of us really wanted to give up “The Waltons” dream.
    • We are now stuck with two houses (5km apart, double expenses etc…). Naturally Noid signed a lease at his new house and we have been considering either him buying into my current house, or if I should sell and us get a new house together.
    • Us moving in with him is not an option as his place is far to small, and to be honest it is not a place I would have chosen had we chose something together.
    • This is the longest I have stayed anywhere since I left my grandparents home when I was 11 – so emotionally this is huge for me…. anyone who knows me knows how I struggle with “emotional security” in having my ‘things‘. I love this house…. but I also love my husband. 
    • It is emotionally much more complicated than explained here coming from both sides. I hope I make some sense however, and you have some idea of the difficulties we face….
    • We had hoped it would take us six months to sort it all out, but we have been married almost four months and we still living separately. It is hard on so many levels, make no mistake – but it will be okay in the end.
    • Since you all come here often to follow the journey – I felt I owed your loyalty to fill in the blanks.
    • After all, these are merely the details of my life which is how I see blogging – choosing to publically share the details which is my life…

    One day I will be dead and gone to wonder accross the meadow to my Hallmark heaven, and my best friend and soulmate, Melany will probably be the one to say my final goodbye on this blog (as she knows all my passwords and my poor husband with his smoking and Coke addiction assures me he is not gonna live to be very old – seriously positive coming from him hey? – lol) and fill you in on my final details… Make sure to wish them enough my friend, because there is no way I am burying you. God can’t be that cruel.

    When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
    I was a bride married to amazement.
    I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

    When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
    if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
    I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
    or full of argument.

    I don’t want to end up simply having visited the world.

    –Mary Oliver

    I wish you enough,


    talking to myself

    16 January 2011 – Today’s picture is a piece of paper, something I tore from one of my magazines and stuck on my notice board some time back….. you know, believe and it will happen and all that….. mmmm so far… NOT so much!

    • I think I may need an iPod type thing (Yes, I am not all that and a bag of chips, I don’t own one) for when I walk or go to the gym or even to look unapproachable at work, but I am scared I will sing along out loud. 😛
    • This morning I was like a demon having put on washing, gathered dishes, soapy water everywhere, worked at my actual job for an hour to confirm the my bosses that I am sincerely mentally disabled working at 6am on a Sunday morning (just give me a bloody raise, I need the money!), wrestled with the pool (which is now again stuck), prepared stuff for school tomorrow (lunch boxes, treats, drinks, clothes, bowls for cereal tomorrow morning, tea cups, tea bags in the tea-pot…. and all, even sugar in the cups!) ~ all before 6h15am. 
    • Left for my traditional 4km walk, (the same route I have walked for the past many, many years….) just after 7am and did it in 45 minutes today.
    • At the moment the walking if more about just getting out there and doing it than the actual time taken, I was just surprised that I had not lost time since I have not done any exercise in weeks. Yay for that, it’s a small motivation.
    • Picked up raindrops during the last two blocks on my way home and the UPhill felt very UP!
    • I did however walk myself a blister. I knew those socks were not proper… 
    • My kids slept until well after 10am…. eventually I woke them up to go to Noid’s as he had invited us for lunch to celebrate the day we met three years ago.
    • Meeting Noid really did change my life – three years. Imagine that.
    • Up and down and everything in between I really do love him. Still think he has the nicest thighs and skillful hands…. he is very generous, holds my hand and lit a candle the other night as we lay chatting which kinda took my breath away as things within our relationship have changed since we got married almost fou months ago.
    • He is committed to me even when he doesn’t like my behavior which is a plus and you can’t fault him in trying and trying again.
    • We went to lunch at Cappuccino’s in Greenstone which I had never been to before. I was very pleasantly surprised by the great food and service. I had some calamari and prawns which came with some chips and plenty vegetables…. it was real nice and I would order it again, but I think Noid won the lucky draw with his pasta. Everyone wanted a bite of his Alfredo! It was saucy and looked most delicious.   
    • I did have a Milo milkshake which was okay – but I actually prefer Wimpy’s on that one! Who knew? 
    • Lovely place and we’ll be back I am sure!
    • I am going to have to do a post regarding why my husband, Noid and I don’t live together as it is the question I am most often asked, or get e~mails about.
    • Week ahead looks hectic checking out my calendar, but I have made it thus far, I can do it! Am incredibly proud of myself for keeping on top of everything although in truth it is early days yet…. but I am hopeful.
    • If you would share your thoughts on Reiki with me I would appreciate. I know nothing about Reiki, but have been offered an opportunity I feel ‘led to’ if that makes any sense.
    • Remember when I had my palm read last year? That person suggested that I should investigate Reiki as I have healing abilities (?), but I did not take that very seriously… but a “practitioner – hope that is the right terminology?” has very recently come into my life and I have felt a very solid connection with her which I would like to explore.
    • Interesting. 🙂

    I wish you a good week where you feel loved, enjoy good health, enough money to get/pay what you need, enough time to accomplish all that must be done, enough exercise (to loose weight in my case) ….. and lots of hugs, kisses and the odd unexpected praise of appreciation.

    Chat tomorrow.



    15 January 2011 ~ My son Liam James cuddling in bed with me this afternoon. Gorgeous child.

  • Thanks to Noid I was able to get the remainder of Kevin’s stationery today.
  • Now there are just bits and pieces of monies I have to randomly hand to the school for IT costs, the famous and must have Matric jacket, more IT text books I have not been able to source, deposits for more random stuff and hopefully my son will then go forth and study, get brilliant results and from there I don’t really know what to do…he did great in grade 11 so no reason for him to slack now…..
  • Off course he has now decided to play cricket again this year! THE most boring sport besides watching golf on TV, but I am all for it.

  • Kevin is good at it and it will physically and mentally be good for him even if I only clap when I see the rest of his team mates clap since I just don’t get cricket. I think it is the math overload.
  • I did my first 4km walk for 2011 this morning in 48 minutes.
  • I am sure you are all able to walk faster in your sleep but for the same reason I do not wear high heel shoes since it makes me look like an elephant on stilts, I never run… My breasts would knock me out anyway.

  • I was very proud of me as I have done no exercise for weeks and I feel the 4kg’s I gained since my separation turned elopement, is all sitting on my face, while my hips is a more likely candidate. Either way I look crap {but my hair was really nice yesterday, sorry you missed it}.
  • Chicken and vegetables for supper last night and I am back to making choices one moment at a time.
  • I am craving kichel like a fucking rehab inmate. I will wrestle a Jew. Seriously!!!!
  • Been good on the water intake so if I can walk again tomorrow…. I may claim to be back to weight loss mode…. and may even show my face at gym!
  • Unfortunately I will no longer be Catholic on Fridays and visit the cheap fish and chip shop, so I will just feel Catholic guilt for sins committed or even contemplated.
  • Even Mary full of Grace will know how much I am gonna miss that fish and chip shop. «Fuck»

  • Scary since I have never been Catholic.
  • I see all the tweets about everyone being broke and I am in the same boat, except that I permanently live on that boat. Welcome during your temporary stay!

    I wish you…enough.
    The Wench

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    14 January 2011 – Picture of me, by me, after I had coloured my hair. Yay – finally! HATE it when my hair is not proper.


    • I finally coloured my hair today. Actually, I put the colour on before I left to take the kids to school so I did the school run with die on my head and eyebrows. Victoria had no issue with this understanding woman have to multi-task and at least “you won’t look like a granny mom” while Liam wanted me to please drop him a suburb from school. I made sure to drop him at the front gate, hooting and blowing a small kiss. 🙂
    • Is a small price to pay for them really, they had scrambled egg, toast and tea SERVED in bed!
    • Anyway, when I came back home I decided a face mask would also be the way to go, as well as putting red streaks that I love back in my hair. Noid tells me I look like I am from Boksburg when I do it, but I like it.  Btw, the base colour I used said the colour was “Cinnamon” but it still just looks dark like it always does.
    • Btw – I love that you guys love that I am blogging daily, but I don’t get how I have so many visits a day and so few comments. I use to be religious on checking who is visiting my blog, but about a year ago I gavee up on that and now truly don’t care – although a hello now and again would be fucking proper.
    • Okay yes, so I did do a lovely face mask from Tranquil Body Treats, the one for oily skin (I need some orders btw, I have had NONE this month, soos in niks), and I took my nail polish off and sommer scrubbed my feet for good measure to be extra fresh. Off course I also shaved my entire body.
    • I even did the purple GHD, make up and everything. Very proper I was today. This effort should really be rewarded with mind-blowing sexual interaction.
    • I love ivy. I opened the windows in the boys bedroom this morning and just looked at the stone path outside where there use to be nothing but sand and now it is all ivy… I don’t know why I love ivy so much but I do.
    • I have decided on an ivy something tattoo at the back on my neck, off centre to the left for tattoo number 15 and Noid, with trembling agreed. I am not sure when I will be able to afford this addition but I hope soon.
    • I still crave biscuits. Especially kichel. It’s like an addiction now, a comfort food, a must have…. it’s send from Satan himself to make my ass bigger. ASSHOLE.
    • My kids have been most proper. No issues, no setting things alight (not even each other), no shouting or screaming or Kevin making stand up comedy fun of his brother. Kevin is bloody funny however. 
    • I think men are from a planet much further than Venus and Mars. Men and woman just don’t think the same – period. Living apart, (5 months next week) has its advantages and disadvantages. My house doesn’t smell like smoke, there is no TV sounds in my bedroom, I can buy soup for supper and nobody asks where is the meat lol, I can put the toilet roll on any which way I like and spray my sheets to smell like vanilla (wonder if Noid would like that?)…. and I am not there to irritate him by sighing when I speak or turning on the fan, or telling kids to wash their hair, or to please not let the cigarette hang from his lips it looks yuck and and and – the disadvantages is that it creates emotional distance, we run very different households and our expenses are double for starters. We don’t fall asleep or wake up together, we don’t get to talk endlessly, nobody wakes you up with coffee / tea, nobody runs you a bath, or does anything special to make your day easier, you on your own – get cracking – we share small chunks of daily life and and and. (Off course the list is longer both on plusses and minuses as you can well imagine, but clearly we want to be together so the good outweigh the bad!)
    • I know from talking to other woman that they also need time, affection, talking stuff to feel connected to people, not even just lover types (even just friends) while men seem to have the outlook that connection just IS, you choose to be connected and then you just are. Woman aren’t wired that way.
    • For instance, they don’t see their friends for months, then they meet on the golf course, bump each other on the shoulder and that seems to be all that was needed for connection to be restored and everyone being close and cuddly in a non gay way, off course. 
    • Unfortunately, same does not go for male, female connections. We don’t give each other a small bump on the shoulder and maybe even a high-five.  Well, my internal self does not function on that level at all. So it is a bit crap as Noid and I build up the most wonderful connection over weekends alone especially or holidays such as December, then spend days/weeks apart (while visiting an hour or something a day) before we can ‘connect‘ proper again and the process has to happen over and over for ME, while I think he thinks a high-five will be fine. LOL Off course we phone and e-mail and sms and I just know he sends me smoke signals (I don’t smoke) and I love him and he loves me…. but the situation is not ideal, and we have to deal with rain and sunshine days. (Like all couples actually, even those living in the same house.)
    • Woman are seriously more complicated than men – can’t live with them men and batteries are too expensive to live without them completely. LOL (No baby – I’m joking!!! – I really do love you, even if I had a wooden leg named Smith you and you smoked yourself into emphysema on a rocking chair on the stoep.)
    • I am thrilled to see more people blogging openly about depression and anxiety. Nobody is ashamed to have diabetes but be depressed and you can’t tell a soul in case they THINK something negative about you (judgement). If they think anything but that you have an illness, they are ignorant and need education. It’s that simple truly.
    • I’m really tired of reading all about the Zodiac nonsense today.
    • My friend Tracy has made it safely to Australia for their stint of shall we or shall we not move permanently…. think they will be gone for at least the next three years.
    • My friend Vicky who did move to the USA last year, has decided to move from the Bible belt to warmer weather in Florida….. they busy looking for a new house. Sounds so fun looking at all the pictures!
    • I didn’t drink as much water as yesterday today, but I also didn’t eat as much and still a zero on the excercise. Bad Wenchy.
    • We must live in HOPE of tomorrow!
    • Btw, Noid and I met three years ago this coming Sunday. 🙂

    I wish you enough,


    all you need is love

    13 January 2011 – I love Sharon Dold Designs and bought this little heart (and a few other pieces) while on honeymoon at Champagne Sports Resort.  It now hangs in my bathroom.

    • I hate it when bloggers write how they have neglected their blog. It’s stupid. You don’t owe anyone words you didn’t  want to write.
    • It is exactly 5 months until my birthday today. 🙂 Yay me! I love my birthday…. almost as much as Thanksgiving.
    • The text and stationery books are all finally covered with pretty shiny paper and plastic… thanks Elisa!!
    • I need to colour my hair desperately (very grey!) …. and I need to paint my nails and shave my legs…. maybe even get a GHD involved to feel proper.
    • Reminding myself every day… eat less, exercise more and drink water. So far I have the drink water down…. I did eat less today than yesterday, so that is a plus for today then, but exercise… mmmm not so much.
    • At the last moment, Kevin has come up with a list of stuff still to buy, get or pay…. so more to be done to get the boy ready for his last year of school.
    • I had to really give myself a strong motivational talk to get myself to work this morning, but I made it and it all went just fine. I made people laugh and everything …… and got work done!
    • Sometimes I even surprise myself.  😉

    I wish you enough,




    12 January 2011 – My mug this morning when I made tea for the kids and I. I am a huge Eeyore fan. Bi-polar donkey.

  • Back to school for the kids today. Morning traffic was better than expected, but the afternoon took me the usual 90 minutes which just kicked my ass.
  • I had a small ‘woe is me’ tantrum which involved crying, eating and more crying cause I ate.
  • Obviously it wasn’t just about 90 min in a hot car with no working air con. Everything was just too much.
  • I did manage to be productive at work and home later in the afternoon and I am happy with my progress….although the stupid spasms in my neck and shoulders are still there and makes sitting for long very uncomfortable. Liam did rub me with some ‘Deep Heat’ which did help. Love Liam.
  • He told me today how he felt empathy for someone in his class who has to take more Ritalin than him, but also says the boy was climbing the walls so good thing he gets meds or how will he calm down enough to learn? I love my kids. They are real…they feel.
  • I miss my husband, but I am sure he is glad to have missed my crying rage this afternoon. I would have stabbed the poor soul if he told me to be positive or choose differently. LOL It just was not the right time for that kinda talk.
  • I really want to go for a walk but have not felt well enough. One of the reasons for the tears…I am tired of physical pain or discomfort.
  • Tannie Connie’s funeral was today. I did not go. I can’t deal with more death.
  • My Mom is having a really hard time. I wish I could do something….but I have no super powers.
  • I hear the dead boy Tim singing… ‘ Don’t worry about a thing….cause everything is gonna be alright…’

    Clearly I speak to dead people…. and they answer back.

    Tonight, I wish you peace.

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