(the meaning of life)

It was during my first divorce and although I admit, I was not remotely sad or felt like my life had ended (…in retrospect I think I had cried my tears during the 11 years we were together, by the time I left, I had no feelings left, and no reason to cry.).

As a divorced woman at 24 with two kids under four, I did feel the need to question life however…. I use to ask my dead friend Tim “What is the meaning of life Timmy?’ Tim always use to say 42. Simple. For fear of seeming unintelligent or not as worldly, I would shake my head in agreement as if I knew what he was talking about. I had pretty much the same reaction when he hinted dolphins may secretly be ruling the world….

Years later, after Tim’s tragic death….. I finally found out that in Douglas Adams’ “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, 42 is the number from which all meaning (“the meaning of life, the universe, and everything”) could be derived – and dear Tim was purely well read and didn’t have all the answers. Bet he had a small laugh at me wherever he may be.  🙂

  • I bathed today, for the second time this week. I seriously didn’t have the strength to pull myself out the bath. So that is progress!
  • The nice doctor at the ER gave me stronger meds for my ulcer and pain meds for my bones….. I am not convinced of the pain meds as it is also supposed to aid sleep…. I am still waking up at least three times a night.
  • I do feel the very expensive meds he prescribed for the ulcer is helping and today for the first time when I dropped the kids I felt I could ‘sit up’ instead of holding my stomach as if I was very far pregnant…. although this lasted about 15 minutes and I was back to the pregnant look.
  • Anyway, I will give it the two weeks he suggested and go back with my feedback.
  • I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon for scheduled root canal. Unfortunately, the bone illness got there first and the dentist, after three different doctors came in to give their opinions, decided it was best to pull my tooth.
  • All I felt of  the actual pulling of the tooth, with four injections behind me, was a lot of pressure and well… pulling, but no pain. I had two dentists working on me…. one being the guy who pulled my wisdom teeth in his chair during the first divorce, mmmm 14 years ago? I am like a lap-dog, very loyal clearly – but he is also a bloody good dentist.
  • Anyhow, I was very brave while in the chair but when I got to my car, I sobbed….. which is when yesterdays picture was taken.
  • Fuck, I felt so alone, so incredible heartsore that the illness got to my tooth. Meaning so far I felt I had kicked its ass more than it kicked mine… but after a decade, it had taken something from me. Something tangible and real.
  • I sat in my car and I cried and cried… eventually the security guard came over to ask me if he can get me anything…. I declined and decided I better drive before Life Line is called.
  • I came home…. fetched Kevin to drive with me to fetch the biscuits ’cause I didn’t feel well enough to travel alone… not sure what I expected dear Kevin to do, but I pinned my chances on him. LOL
  • I had taken orders at work for my friend who makes delicious biscuits (R5  a biscuit – place orders here – as you all should know I am all for friends supporting friends in small  businesses), so we fetched them to be distributed (most of them were Valentine’s hearts but there was the odd smile) …. went to the chemist to get the antibiotics, mouth wash and pain killers for my then paining tooth… I wish the injection had lasted lots longer!!!…. dropped the biscuits at my friend Jax to please hand them out at work… came home…. fed my kids… and pretty much went to bed.
  • I woke up at 1am…. clearly one bleeds when they pull a huge tooth from your mouth as my face and pillow looked very vampire-ish…. yuck.
  • At that moment I felt thankful I live alone (since my kids were sleeping) – I don’t really want anyone seeing me with blood on my face screw egg.
  • Cleaned myself up, rinsed my throbbing mouth…. warmed my lavender pillow (thank you Leigh-Ann) and lay with my face on the pillow which did seem to help somewhat….
  • I did think I need multiple warming pillows so I could put one on my stomach where the ulcer is and one on my face where my tooth was now missing.
  • We all know I am a tattooed, Borat loving, Kichel addicted, pretend Jew…. so I have decided I would like to learn Hebrew. Something about it, speaks to my soul…
  • I have been reading (I give a mean google) and have learned a few basic greetings and principles. I have no idea how to pronounce anything so I will have to stick to writing for now and not asking anyone in the Jewish area I live how they are, for fear of them answering. 🙂 By the time I am 50 I may be able to have a small conversation offering a man a female fish as in french, in hebrew everything has a gender. Who knew?
  • This has been a difficult week and rather lonely. I live in hope for next week….. I need a facial, have my eye brows waxed, my nails done, decided to have the Brazilian wave done by my friend Michelle….. and I need to take my camera and take some new self portraits…. I desperately need to feel like ME … not sick, or needy or sore or or or….
  • I have made an appointment with the most wonderful tattoo artist alive, Brent who has done over a dozen tattoos on my body…. as I asked for a tattoo for Valentine’s Day. Looking forward to the 16th.
  • My picture today is a car I saw on the road this afternoon when I went to drop Kevin and Kyle at a birthday party…. every few meters it would lose a couple of sticks… Hansel and Gretel for them…
  • Shabbat shalom!


9 thoughts on “(the meaning of life)

  1. Suzette says:

    Since today was your longest post in days, I hope it is a sign that you are starting to feel a little bit better? By the way, absolutely loved Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the fact that you would get a reference like “The answer is 42!”


  2. Ginger says:

    Hope your tooth (ex-tooth?) heals fast and gives you some relief from all this pain. I wish you didn’t feel alone. You’re not, you know. xxx000


  3. SirNoid says:

    I wish I could have been more present this week but I know you know you were in my thoughts all the time.

    The stresses and pain and things that are eating you alive are going to get better and better everyday from “right now” you just have to keep believing with me.

    Thanks for being you!


  4. Awwww, hope you start to feel better soon! Sick is just not proper at all.
    I have a book and a cd for you for the Hebrew…. we must make a plan to swap book/cd for m order.
    Maybe when you are up to it we can meet at Mugg & Bean for coffee???


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