Is this a dagger I see before me?

I wrote a whole blog the other day but what a load of crap, so here is the real deal.

 I am taking strain. Simple as that. I got to work early this morning and sat in my car and cried until I was now late for work and then smiled and pretended I am all good – what a waste of mascara.

Physically I am hammered, or more accurately, fusing. Hahaha. Okay, not funny – but there it is. I am receiving medication, a chemo drug, that is also used for treating cancers like breast cancer, (so at least my breasts are kinda protected hahaha – and they tell me I am negative.).

I have to take a single dose of tablets, once a week on a Wednesday, so I feel like vomiting or are vomiting most of Wednesdays. The medication is an attempt to change the composition of the cells of my body and slow down the illness. The illness is not curable, but hopefully after 12 weeks of treatment, I should apparently feel less pain, have less swelling around the joints and I am secretly hoping I look like a supermodel just cause, but you know what they say about false advertising.

In the meantime, my neck, shoulders and all down my spine feels like someone has thrown a dagger into me, a lodged object that doesn’t move and it is incredibly painful. Every now and then there is something small I can’t do, like the other day I couldn’t open my car door. My hand just didn’t ‘work’ proper. It is fucking scary and I have an intense anger inside that I am not sure who or what to direct at. Why me? Why not me? Would I rather someone else felt this way? Yes, okay, there are one or two people I don’t wish a peaceful existence. Sorry. Straight to hell, don’t pass begin en so. 

Work wise, I have been happier. There has been more changes, not for the better but for the tolerating of my patience… of which, as legend goes is fok all. Was it a Coke add that sang “I’m loving it!”? Well, I am not. I’m more like a Nike add, “Just do it!” – no choice. 

Emotionally those who know me well, will know my greatest fear in life – that I lose my mental faculties but it appears some think I already have. They may be right…. but then perhaps finally facing up to my looming physical limitations and wishing upon a star the medication kick serious ass and the pain goes, the cost involved, moving house which is ridiculously stressful, costly, raising kids, trying to be a reasonable, not even good wife… and knowing you failing at a list of things as simply as buying groceries. Maybe that deserves a cry in the basement – Phil Collins, “I wish it would rain down” was a great. Thanks Jaxie. 

Our new Princess like home is beautiful, has a WOW factor that makes me feel I am on holiday perhaps and will be going ‘home’ soon…. It has so many places and spaces I don’t even visit them all on a daily basis. Sound pretentious and full of it, but is true. All thanks to my husband without whom none of this would be possible. I am very grateful. THANK YOU.  I’ve never lived in such a fabulous, spacious place, all kitted out and lacking nothing but maybe a hand held Braun. My friend and latest “Maid of Honour”, Cindy told me I need one to make the kosher ice cream I want to try make. Great, about that mental faculties – suddenly I wanna attempt to make, bake or cook something??? Will ask the husband since it sounds like a sexy appliance, hand held and all. Still boxes to unpack but thankfully my birthday giraffes that was lost is now found (sounds Christian). Hallelujah.

 Walk with me. They say the best is yet to come. I’m here to see the credits roll…. Oh and I won’t mind if you took part in my sock project. My feet are cold and I may never walk all over the world to buy fanTy socks. Be nice.

 I wish you the ability to choose how you want to live and the money to do so…. also good health so you can earn the money to live the life.


PS. Someone asked after you today Timmy. I had to tell them. It’s been 12 years. You still dead.


14 thoughts on “Is this a dagger I see before me?

  1. QB says:

    Sitting in front of Samantha’s school reading this and crying for you my friend (luckily no mascara yet). You are so brave at work and I admire that.

    Dealing with some people on a daily basis … I will also have a small cry in the basement!


  2. I am still catching up. Sorry to hear about so much pain. Hope the medications kick in.
    Loved the honeymoon photos and am very happy for you all to be living in a new home. How exciting.
    Hmmmm. Perhaps will send socks from very far away.


  3. Sad that you are going through a difficult time – wishing you to feel better soon.
    Send me your address I’ll post socks from Durbanville, Cape Town 🙂


  4. Lynese says:

    Strength to you during this hard time. Hope those drugs kick ass. My son also on meds for Crohns, and while they do the trick really well…I still have a love/hate relationship with them.


  5. Im so sorry you are going through so much pain!
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and send it all away…
    Mazel Tov on the new house, it looks fabulous!!!!!


  6. C says:

    I’m sorry, I know what it is like, am going through similar situation :/

    Happy for you that you have a lovely new house 🙂


  7. I had no idea that you were so ill, I’m sorry. Constant physical pain, bodily dis-ease if you will. It is so hard not to feel it in all areas of your life.

    On a more superficial level, you look about 17 years old that photo!


  8. SirNoid says:

    I am glad you love our new house.

    Would not have been able to do it without you.

    You inspire me!!

    I know you are hurting but admire the fact that you get up every day and make a go of it despite your pain.

    I believe the meds will work and the quality of life will improve. Keep on going and believe there is better to come and I am sure it will.

    I love you


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