Voshaarnooi (Gratitude 24/150)

Hello stalkers, since I may have no readers left I haven’t blogged in so long, 🙂

One thing that really annoys me about being ill (I have Ankylosing Spondylitis with a side order of bi-polar and anxiety just to keep things fun) over a long period of time is how you are perceived by others… even those close to you because you LOOK perfectly fine.

Because you are not well and you are on medication, some days is better days than others. So some days you may have better endurance than others.  Because you are ill does not mean you have become an illness, you remain your own flesh and blood individual who wants and needs everything you had before.

You don’t suddenly stop colouring your hair because you have an incurable illness. No. You don’t stop having sex because your bones are fusing. No. You don’t. Your kids don’t suddenly start driving themselves to school. Nope. Dinner doesn’t magically appear. You may need help with things you didn’t need help with before and it’s not every day either.

Unfortunately there are changes that you have to make to adapt to your new “lifestyle“…. (okay, look… some days you are in so much pain you feel you have no life and PJ’s are not stylish) for instance, I can’t open a bottle, my car door or the boot of my car because my right hand doesn’t function well. There has been moments where I couldn’t staple a document together, turn a tap, roll down my window (no electric window in my Jetta) or type minutes for work. (Btw, my left hand is in good shape lol)

Sometimes I need help to walk up and down the stairs (I look like a 90-year-old in the shade with really flashy hair) and other days the meds allow me to look perfectly wonderful….. It is all just so bloody unpredictable. I can drive my kids to school most days because I don’t have a choice. Noid is of the opinion that working is also a choice and you must just get cracking…. mmmm dropping the kids is an hour in one position. Then I need to lie down a bit, stretch on all fours when nobody is around as I look way unattractive. I watch TV in one position until usually either my neck (a stiff, sore neck that I couldn’t get comfortable for my five hours at work is the reason I looked for medical attention in the first place.) or my right leg starts hurting, then I need to realign again. I can do things for short amounts of time… standing or walking my lower back starts first and it moves its way up to between my shoulder blades where it feels an axe is stuck.

As I sit here, I’ve had to adjust my position twice in less than 15 minutes with my left leg just not settling in a non painful position.  It is bloody annoying.

Last night we all went to Greenstone as the kids were meeting friends and going to the arcade and have milkshake etc and Noid and I was there to meet a man about my anniversary gift. 🙂 (more to follow in a couple of days). It involved walking which wasn’t far or allot and yet, I was sweating in pain? I am shocked and frustrated at the short distance I am able to walk without wanting to please stretch out, lie down, take pills and beg for mercy. I HATE THIS. (Okay so I am still dealing with the accepting part of this)

As things would go, a couple who works with me (and who isn’t very fond of me), walked past. All I could imagine them saying was how I LOOK perfectly fine, WHY am I not at work! My hair is proper, my nails are done, I was wearing lipstick! In reality I was walking very slow, (which is a tad irritating to Noid) and I had taken pain pills just before leaving…. but all they would see was me – as I always am. Smiling and waving! I said to Noid’s mom over the weekend that sometimes you wish you could show people the pain, a missing leg, or a misplaced bladder you carrying in your hand perhaps?

If you go to the shop, it is said you could go to a shop but you not well enough to go to work. If you laugh, you look far to happy to be in pain, so why are you not at work? If you show any enjoyment at all, why are you not physically at your desk? It is a bit like when someone close to you die. You are expected to be in pain and cry and you may even feel guilty if you laugh, or enjoy something…. I mean, you’re so and so just died. Look the part dammit.

I realise I am just babbling on…. but you get my point. Would you choose what I am currently living when you have a job you actually rather fond off? I wouldn’t.

• Strange for me to be out of words and not blog for so long, but this too shall pass. (Some may be grateful for this.)
• Every new medication presented to me seems to have the added side effect printed on the pamphlet “weight gain” and “anxiety” This does not sit well with me. A fatter ass I can be anxious about? Oh yay!


• I have lost no more weight, but I gained nicely. If I was a pig being stuffed for a feast, right about now would be a great time to make the apple sauce. Have a lovely Shabbos.
• The illness, works mysteriously in its own ways.
• You can be in moderate pain (my doctor tells me this is my base line – I sound like a musical chorus) and have flare up once in a blue moon, once a week, once a month or once a year…
• I have done a fair amount of research and nobody seems to know what causes a flare up, so you have no signposts telling you to not eat this, or throw salt over your left shoulder, or only have sex balancing on your head or don’t walk under a ladder or anything. It can last for a full moon, a week, a month or until death we do part.
• My current flare up has been constant for approximately two months now and I hate it, but it sure loves me. I am sure even Shakespeare wrote about this kind of screwed up relationships – where one factor just can’t let go of the other.
• Work has been awesome in their support, understanding and encouragement and I am forever grateful. Some days I am able to do allot more from home than others and they have made a plan for a temporary person to do my in-house physical stuff. This makes me nervous – am I soon to be out of a job? I need to earn my salary. Imperative. Did I mention “anxiety“? Noid at least keeps telling me it will all be fine regardless…. don’t worry baby (can you hear the Beachboys….?)

  • Random bits:
  • Rolling in the deep” by Adele is currently my favourite song. It makes me want to sing so bad. Her voice is gorgeous.
  • I’m counting the days to my anniversary gift arrives.
  • My hair is finally gaining length. Yay!
  • I was truly blessed to fly to Cape Town last weekend to celebrate Noid’s Mom’s 60th birthday with his other siblings. I had a really good time and it is nice to finally feel like I have them figured out and they me. 🙂 (I’m easy – walk in the park! Not.)
  • We were only in Cape Town for the weekend and one of those days I spent in pain… and yay, got a middle ear infection. We found a lovely Jewish doctor on the Sunday morning who ignored me and only spoke to my husband who advised that I wait a day or two before I fly… gave me a letter…. we then went to possibly the slowest pharmacy on the planet (even for Cape Town) to get medication. I am convinced there is like a secret code out there that doctors may not give you a script for less than R400. Seriously. I should know. Buying shares would have been cheaper. I took all prescribed and flew home anyway (can’t leave my kids) and chew bubblegum (I hate people chewing bubblegum like cows) and kept equalising my ears. Thankfully we landed without my eardrum bursting. Winner Wenchy!
  • I was privileged that I got to experience high tea at the Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town with Noid and all his family. It was everything I imagined and more – something that I have always wanted to do. Thank you husband.
  • Ink is important to me in expressing myself – and making me feel alive. Thankfully my awesome tattoo artist came to our home to decorate my body with more ink… and maintain tattoos I already have. Love Brent. I had three butterflies added to my arm representing my three (step) children. It is decorated in age order. 🙂 I also had the Hebrew word “L’chaim” tattooed on my right arm…. it means “to life“…. something very precious to me right now… and a word our friend Jason ended his speech with at our elopement. Noid and I also had an eternity tattoo with the word “love” added to the collection of “us” tattoos on my left arm. Noid also had the eternity tattoo done and on his other arm he had his kids names done in a scroll. Pictures on FaceBook.
  • I may be a bit slow but Elvis Blue is fantastic hey?
  • I decided watching the New Zealand rugby team doing the haka equals porn. All those thighs, tattoos….. and testosterone all round. Gotta love it.
  • Kids are all fine, I haven’t killed anyone.
  • My husband must be exhausted working 13 hour days and doing all he can for me. Love you so lots.
  • Only a month till our first wedding anniversary!
  • I leave you with  bit of a blurred photo, cause that is how I feel.

I wish you enough….. Mel I miss you…

Wenchy

Bantam hom so en flennie die snare
Ek is verlief op die kind
Die son slaan vuur uit die sweetvoshare
Ek is verlief op die kind
Hoor jy meisie met die sweetvoshare
verstaan jy die praat van die rankie snare
Ek is verlief op die kind
Lappa lei vir Bella koud, in Waboomskloof se geel bossies
Lappa maak vir Bella stout,
Met Hanepootse natrossies
Donkerrooi die wingerdblaar en warmrooi die mond van haar
My hart blom wit vir die voshaarnooi
Pluk heide van die rooiste rooi
Vir hierdie einste voshaarnooi
Bellabint my meisiekind, dis hartblom wit, die heiderooi
Bellabint my meisiekind, dis hartblom wit, die heiderooi
Vir jou my voshaar meisiekind
– Louis van Rensburg

The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. (Gratitude 23/150)

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
– Ring La

I am grateful for love, romance, companionship, a man to hold me when I’m falling asleep or sobbing in his arms. I am grateful for hopes and dreams, being provided for and a promise of tomorrow. I am grateful for understanding and a willingness to do whatever it takes.

I am grateful that even though I have been divorced twice, I believe in the magic of belonging to one man in marriage… and he to me.

I am grateful for my husband, Noid, the man with the thighs, the man who asked me to marry him and be his wife.

I am grateful my husband came home with flowers tonight.

I am grateful my husband can cook steak like nobody I know.

I am grateful that sometimes my husband just shakes his head and let me be.

I am grateful my husband is a good father to all our children.

I am grateful that making love to my husband always leaves me breathless… which has nothing to do with fitness. He is gorgeous to look at.

I am grateful that my husband believes in me, even when I lack faith in my ability.

I am grateful my husband tries to make my every dream come true.

I am grateful that my husband works so very hard and takes his career seriously so that we may have a future and enough money when we retire, because it is one of my greatest fears.

I am grateful my husband supports me in my Tranquil Body Treats ventures.

I am grateful that my husband and I share tattoo’s although I know he does not feel about ink as I do… then again I am an expressive Gemini Bi-polar chick who needs to show the meanings of life in this manner. It brings me joy, peace, fun and closure. It is am addiction to showing how much I’ve lived and saves me from cutting…. although I never have, I have contemplated it during depressive times. My husband may not get my need for ink, but he tries to understand although we both know he wishes this cup would pass him by.

I am grateful for the family and friends my husband has enriched my life with.

I am grateful that my husband introduced me to the Drakensberg and that we have a ‘spot’ we visit and come ‘home to’ when we in the Berg.

I am grateful that my husband arranged our marriage exactly as we had talked about it long before.

I am grateful my husband agrees to photo shoots, although he secretly thinks it is a waste of money but he knows I love a treasure it.

I am grateful that my husband is an awesome x-husband and pays his maintenance, fetched his kids when he is supposed to during alternate weekends and holidays.

I am grateful my husband doesn’t drink until he slurs and falls down and has never lifted a hand to me.

I am grateful my husband is respected in his workplace for he has put in countless hours and effort in a profession he enjoys and believes he can make a difference in.

I am grateful my husband will go to the art movies with me and sit on love seats.

I am grateful my husband understands my passion for books and lets me be.

I am grateful my husband is funny, reaches out to others in humour and brings joy to strangers with the stupid things he does which amuse me on a good day and makes me tired when I’m sore and just wanna sit down.

I am grateful my husband reaches for my hand.

I am grateful my husband comes home as soon as he can every night.

I am grateful my husband doesn’t say you have a hundred pair of shoes/pants/shirts/books/perfume etc, but if we can afford it, will encourage me to buy it.

I am grateful my husband likes to read. I secretly look down on people who don’t read. It’s just not proper.

I am grateful that my husband doesn’t question why we have to have rainbow sprinkles in our sugar.

I am grateful my husband will make the bed and wash the dishes while I am in the bath.

I am grateful that my husband lets me decorate our home as I wish for the most part.

I am grateful for laughter, doing things and experience places I would never have had the guts, money or inclination to do on my own, if it wasn’t for him.

Noid, if you don’t know by now, I love you 8.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. (Gratitude 22/150)

My friend Fiona, had nominated me for a prize – and I won?!!!! Here is her dedication to me, that had me in tears and filled with gratitude and love for someone whom I think is also most worthy of praise for all she does on a daily basis for Greg and her boys.

This is about Christel-Michel Kruger or fondly known as The Nocturnal (she needs to get sleep) Wenchy. She is a daily inspiration to me and a confidant on all days good and bad.
Christel has a bone illness, Ankylosing spondylitis which causes her a lot of pain and daily battles to get her body to function normally. She has recently undergone chemo to assist and as she says this illness “causes me …to be great friends with anti-inflammatory drugs and bleeding ulcers”
Despite the pain she goes through she still remains optimistic, fairy believer, loving wife to Dion & mom (Kevin (17), Liam (15) and Victoria (11) and step-mom to Nic (20), Douglas (11) and Jenna-Lee (8) & adopted son Kyle (18)
Christel also struggles with various other tormenting issues (many from her younger days) but mostly with one of her sons who suffers from severe ADHD as well as her own inner bi-polar II struggles and through all this she still makes us laugh with her jokes (but we know she hurts deeply and I who understand her daily struggles as I too share the darkness), she helps me with her will to still be optimistic and carry on.
I think Wenchy needs just to be thanked (even though friends don’t say thank you) for all she does for her family & friends and even the occasional stray (I’m still awaiting for her to approve my adoption papers LOL)..she is totally FANTY!!!!
 
I did laugh at the word fanTy! 🙂 Love friends who listen and understand me. Thanks Fiona!! A while later I received this response:
 
We have chosen our next family to be treated to a special and memorable picnic.
Christel-Michel Kruger is an inspiration and example to us all. She selflessly gives and supports her family and others while faced with a painful bone disease and many other challenges. We look forward to treating her family to a Dial-a-Picnic Memorable Picnic experience!
Wow – how to humble me down to my socks you all got me for my birthday. I am filled with gratitude for friendships like Fiona’s that are true and doesn’t leave me. I am grateful that she and others see me as optimistic, I do try to be as I can be but I am no superwoman at all, I am thankful that our kids and Noid can enjoy a new experience, I mean a catered picnic!!! How fanTy is that! 🙂 Yay!!!!!
 
Thank you to Fi, and also to the sponsor for making my life so much richer and encouraging me to not give up when the darkness comes and just for feeling spoiled. 🙂
 
I wish you enough,
Wow – wordless Wenchy

A life well lived (Gratitude 21/150)

Greetings!

The picture wasn’t taken today, but it does remind me how much I have to be grateful for and all the fun things I get to do besides the ever present pain management and anxiety I try hide. Trying not to mention it daily as I sound like a broken record.

Last night was my boy, Kevin’s 18th birthday party. Yay!! Kev! I took four times my daily pain meds but nobody seemed to notice so I must have seem like my own self just without saying ouch so often.

I do wonder what happened to my old self who willingly and with excitement went for 4km walks a couple times a week. I wonder what happened to my enthusiasm for work, when now I just feel anxious at the thought and I feel I am starting to slip mentally. I don’t like being around people all the time and seek out peace and silence.

I don’t like this me so much as I have gained weight as I am not exercising…. physically I look like me {just fatter than last year} so I don’t think people understand how limiting my life feels. I am exhausted constantly, I have no energy and even bathing has become a chore rather than a Tranquil Body Treats delight. It is messed up! I want my own life back.. I wanna be the little engine that could.

I didn’t win Tranquil Body Treats distributor of the month and it felt crap.

I have started making daily goals for myself. Simple things, little things I have to accomplish that day. Probably everyday stuff to most people but things are not what they use to be and I must accept, deal with, and move on to a new reality with the love and support of my husband, children, family and friends ~ you.

I need to find a path, a plan that works for where I am at now.

Am I scared? Hell yes. Will I find a way? Hell yes.

I wish you enough,
Wenchy

Posted by Wenchy from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage. (Gratitude 20/150)

As most of you know and those who don’t know suspect, I have bipolar disorder. I am not bipolar as bipolar is a not a race and I do not suffer from bipolar disorder. As Billy Connolly says about comedy, I feel similarly about bipolar disorder… it is something that has helped me, but also something that has hindered me.

I read this today (I dont know who the author is) “Just because I could achieve my tasks yesterday, please do not assume that I will be able to do it tomorrow.” – it truly reflects what it is like to be a person living a life of colour, darkest black and rainbow delights. They should make an ice cream like that. 🙂

I am grateful. Always did love an ice cream cone.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER

1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either extreme of the
mood spectrum.
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how much ye really want to,
or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night.