Never doubt how I feel about you. [34 |150]

Today was not great fun illness wise and I can’t say I remotely loved it, but it I over now.

A moment ago I read that my uncle [my Mom’s only brother, in his early 50’s] is not doing well due to a health condition with his heart. His wife died about two years ago now and he had 3 kids.

As you know, I grew up with my grandparents [my Mom’s parents]. My uncle was in the air force and on the nights he came home, I would force myself to stay awake to see him. I absolutely adored him. He would bring me a sweet, give me a paper money and bought me my first ever bottle of “Lace” perfume.

I have always loved him from my soul. He took me to the circus once in primary school. I never forget kindness and “spook asem”. He mourned by father dying without holding back.. He is real.

He is unconventional, never followed the straight and narrow, is fascinating, intelligent, tremendously funny, beautifully handsome, has lived a tough life and although he has often done the wrong thing, alienating family ~ he has always loved me and I have never stopped being a small girl waiting for him to come home in his fanTy uniform .

I cry for you and the sky cried for you……

Vir die min sien, maar die baie liefde. Die baie lewens lesse wat Toy my geleer het. Dat ek altyd goed genoeg is. Dat die lewe kort is en dat my pa vir my baie lief was en dat my Oom Thinking of you enigeiets vir my sou doen.

Baie lief vir jou Toy, moenie vergeet nie.

Stel xxx

Chronic smiles se moer [33|150]

Yes, that is a picture of our actual front door, so welcome to our home.

I was thinking back today to when we didn’t have a door. Every second weekend when my kids went to their Dad, I would pack a weekend bag and go stay with Noid.

In retrospect it was kinda romantic. He would get me flowers, cook for me, seriously hot sex was guaranteed, we would shower together and laugh. I felt perfect, sexy, confident, loved, needed, wanted ~ he would even buy kichel and neither of us would mention my hips! LOL

Some days we would go out, some days we would just spend at his place, regardless all of Sunday I would feel this dread of having to leave. The reality of sleeping alone for the next two weeks very real.

It is really great that being together, living alone is no longer my life! Although Noid works long hours, I usually do spend an hour or two with him before I go to sleep. At least he has food made when he comes home and the Sunday dread is gone.

Unfortunately as you know, in every life a little rain must fall and this chronic illness crap started that influences so many aspects of our personal, financial and family life bringing much uncertainty, fear and physical pain. I hate it. While I can curse it all day long, it is very persistent I tell you.

Being chronically ill gives your self confidence a huge knock, you almost become consumed by your illness and it stops being a crap thing that happened TO you. You can’t forget it either or the pain will remind you.

Your sexuality is fucked with no orgasm puns intended as thinking of yourself makes you feel like Eddie Izzard in a drag number.

Your medical costs equal that of a small bond repayment with an escalating CPI added monthly.

Your career, even a small but happy one like mine disappears … and sadly for many people out of sight, out of mind. Because of the pain, exercise is the last thing on your list.

Sometimes I sit here and I wonder ….. Who am I now? What am I now? What will become of my hopes and dreams? Will I ever have sex hanging from a chandelier again? {Okay, again is the wrong word. I’ve never done a chandelier}

Noid doesn’t get my need for ink as many people don’t, {and that’s okay} but it is my life written in my blood, an addiction of pain and expression of joy and sadness… even encouragement…

I saw a tattoo I have to have… It is a quote by Ghandi and it reads: ‘My life is my message.’

I may have to fund raise as it is pain meds or ink…..and I think my dear tattoo artist, Brent deserve the cash. He has to deal with my quirky self often enough!

{Do you know that medical aids will not put pain management under chronic?… Cash is king!}

Smiling all day long when you constantly in pain, se moer!

Ek noem nou maar net. :p

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Life and love is in every detail (Gratitude 32/150)


  • Today is week 3 of 24 chemo treatment for my illness. So far so good. I am receiving meds for the side effects now which is helping so much.
  • Yes, I shouldn’t be drinking.
  • We had all our Nic’s 21st at Nic’s mom and (step) Dad’s home on Saturday on the Vaal. 
  • Moi, Nic and Noid.
  • Wow, Cal, Nic’s biological mom,  threw a Hard Rock themed party of note! We had T-shirts, barmen making cocktails, throwing glasses and bottles around style, there were speeches and a montage which was incredibly well done of Nic…. who was born at 24 weeks!
  • Can you imagine two teenagers, Noid studying and working multiple jobs to support them,  and Cal devoting her time to a tiny baby – I think the stress levels of these two teenage parents must have been incredible.
  • 21 years later… Sweet Caroline and Noid. Personally, I think she is the prettiest of the three wives.
  • Nic – I truly believe is one of those people who HAD to be born and we are blessed cause he survived.
  • Here you have it, Mrs Noid the first, and Mrs Noid the third…. Noid mentioned this was a bit of a mind fuck.
  • The party was in a most gorgeous home on the river, plenty friendly waiters, fabulous burgers, two DJ’s and Nic’s band also did a performance.
  •  I cried watching him and so did Noid. I so wish I had been present earlier in his life.
  • I love he calls me Mom, no promptly, no asking him – just naturally he did. He is such a special child.
  • During the speeches there was another cry from me when I listened to what Noid’s brother and sister had written for Nic, as they live in Cape Town and couldn’t be here….. and Cal’s speech had me all choked up also.
  • Our Nic was a tad, shall we say ill by the end of the evening…. so Noid and I “nursed” him a while before we drove the hour-long drive home.
  • It was absolutely wonderful! It was an adult party so only Noid, myself, Kev and Kyle went from the Waltons clan.
  • The kak part of the evening:  I walked  into a closed sliding door, that hit my face so hard I thought I was gonna pass out. My nose and half my lip is still incredibly painful. Blerrie hell that was sore. It felt like in those cartoons where the characters see stars or hovering above their heads
  • The next day, Sunday – Noid’s parents stayed over and on Sunday we watched rugby and Formula One  and ate the entire day. It was a really nice day, ending with a roast I had made with a potato bake Kev made and veggies….. cheesecake, strawberries and cream and champagne throughout the day. 
  • I woke up at 3am and boy did I know about it – LOL – sore!!!
  • I am very happy Vettel won the F1 tournament. I love how excited he gets and talks and talks lol

…… and like a good pastors grand-daughter, let me leave you with a message.

I have often blogged about my love, admiration and adoration of my grandparents who raised me, Oupa Mike and Ouma Chrissie (my mom’s parents). I had virtually no contact with my father’s parents, Oupa Jose and Ouma Rentia). Why I do not know, but they were never present in my life.

Then at the age of 79 my Oupa Jose joined Face Book and slowly I’ve gotten to know him a little. He is a retired pastor.

I received this message:

“Oupa and ouma bless Stelletjie with healing power and body perfection. Love you.”

And this was my reply:

“All my life I wondered what you were like, if we liked similar things, if we had similar mannerisms, and what I could learn about my father from you. My Mom never says anything negative about him and I know nobody is a pure angel, but he seems to be to her.

The little I know, I found you to be compassionate, passionate about your faith and Ouma and your kids. You like quotes like me, but yours are biblical.

If your Johan (my father) was anything like my Liam James, you must have had all your days. 🙂

I wish life brought you sooner.

In the end Oupa Mike was my “Dad” and I continue to worship him….and now he is so sadly gone….here you are. I use to feel everyone left me, that I was easy to let go…. But they didn’t leave, they died…as people do. Thank you for carrying on where Oupa Mike left off. X love you X”

Again it confirms, love and life…. is in the details.

I wish you enough,