Chronic smiles se moer [33|150]

Yes, that is a picture of our actual front door, so welcome to our home.

I was thinking back today to when we didn’t have a door. Every second weekend when my kids went to their Dad, I would pack a weekend bag and go stay with Noid.

In retrospect it was kinda romantic. He would get me flowers, cook for me, seriously hot sex was guaranteed, we would shower together and laugh. I felt perfect, sexy, confident, loved, needed, wanted ~ he would even buy kichel and neither of us would mention my hips! LOL

Some days we would go out, some days we would just spend at his place, regardless all of Sunday I would feel this dread of having to leave. The reality of sleeping alone for the next two weeks very real.

It is really great that being together, living alone is no longer my life! Although Noid works long hours, I usually do spend an hour or two with him before I go to sleep. At least he has food made when he comes home and the Sunday dread is gone.

Unfortunately as you know, in every life a little rain must fall and this chronic illness crap started that influences so many aspects of our personal, financial and family life bringing much uncertainty, fear and physical pain. I hate it. While I can curse it all day long, it is very persistent I tell you.

Being chronically ill gives your self confidence a huge knock, you almost become consumed by your illness and it stops being a crap thing that happened TO you. You can’t forget it either or the pain will remind you.

Your sexuality is fucked with no orgasm puns intended as thinking of yourself makes you feel like Eddie Izzard in a drag number.

Your medical costs equal that of a small bond repayment with an escalating CPI added monthly.

Your career, even a small but happy one like mine disappears … and sadly for many people out of sight, out of mind. Because of the pain, exercise is the last thing on your list.

Sometimes I sit here and I wonder ….. Who am I now? What am I now? What will become of my hopes and dreams? Will I ever have sex hanging from a chandelier again? {Okay, again is the wrong word. I’ve never done a chandelier}

Noid doesn’t get my need for ink as many people don’t, {and that’s okay} but it is my life written in my blood, an addiction of pain and expression of joy and sadness… even encouragement…

I saw a tattoo I have to have… It is a quote by Ghandi and it reads: ‘My life is my message.’

I may have to fund raise as it is pain meds or ink…..and I think my dear tattoo artist, Brent deserve the cash. He has to deal with my quirky self often enough!

{Do you know that medical aids will not put pain management under chronic?… Cash is king!}

Smiling all day long when you constantly in pain, se moer!

Ek noem nou maar net. :p

Posted by Wenchy from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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11 thoughts on “Chronic smiles se moer [33|150]

  1. Lynne says:

    I wish I could take the pain that u r suffering away. Can pray for a miracle and if I believe enough I hope it will happen. I wish u didn’t have to deal with this. Just remember I will always be here for u no matter what time of the night!

    Like

  2. Eish! I feel your pain & I hope that you hit the lotto, so you can ink & medicate as much as you need & OF COURSE be able to medicate enough to have sex from the chandelier (again). 🙂

    Much love!

    Like

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