Open your arms to change… (it’s okay to cry,we all get scared)

Dear friends and fuckwits who still linger… Welcome!

I wish I could say I am sitting here in my kitchen with a large glass of red wine, ever so upper class in my fanTy house but I am not. Everyone knows I don’t do wine, and have never been that sophisticated. I am actually quite common you know.

 You will be taken aback that I am drinking a smoothy {no ice cream, or cream added mother Mary – us Jo’burg Krugers roll with hugging trees sometimes you know} which I made my own self with proper fruit and juice from Woolworths…..and yes I finally learned how to operate the simplistic food processor. 🙂 Thanks Kevin for the lessons.

Domestic goddess I am not, but I am learning and on a small health kick at the moment.  I made muffins from a box I bought at Woolworth’s. Serious! I did not follow their suggestions completely, I did not add the raison’s as Liam James would love them for a school treat. I added vanilla yogurt instead of plain. I added extra bran cause I am organic like that.  I added a lekker topping – a mixture of digestive bran, brown sugar and butter. Even the kids and Noid ate them! I was so impressed with my own self.

   

I’m desperately trying to keep the rest of this entry light hearted….

  • I have picked up lots of ugly weight. I look and feel crap! It feels like all my hard work was for nothing… all the cake I said no to, all the kilometers I walked…. SIGH… my weight gain is a combination of no exercise as pain doesn’t make you wanna jump up and dance on the ceiling, too many easily prepared meals to just get everyone fed (often made by Kevin or Noid on weekends with HUGE gratitude from me as I do not like cooking to start with…) and new medication. 
  • Oh, Oh, before I forget, it appears I have been misdiagnosed, or rather, the AS has left some footprints but is not the main culprit of my chronic pain (my feelings on this we shall leave for another post – imagine lots of swearing……...) and I am now being treated for fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. I admit, I have not googled much. I have reached a point where I do not care what the illness is called, just please take the pain away. I have a cocktail of pain killers and Lyrica
  • Here are some side effects, let me share just for fun. I am experiencing quite a number that I have not even mentioned to Noid as I don’t like sharing that intimately on my body and well,  everyone is tired of listening t0 me talk about being ill – even me.
  • Blurred vision; changes in sexual function; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; gas; headache; increased appetite; lightheadedness; stomach pain; trouble concentrating; weight gain.
  • Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue, unusual hoarseness); burning, numbness, or tingling of the hands, feet, or skin; chest pain; confusion; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, or persistent sore throat; inability to control urination; loss of coordination; memory loss; muscle aches, pain, tenderness, or weakness (especially if this occurs with a fever or general feeling or discomfort); new or unusual skin sores; new or worsening mental or mood changes (eg, anxiety, depression, restlessness, irritability, panic attacks, feeling “high,” behavior changes, suicidal thoughts or attempts); new or worsening seizures; reddened, blistered, swollen, or peeling skin; shortness of breath or wheezing; speaking problems; sudden, unexplained weight gain; swelling of the hands, feet, or ankles; tremor; trouble sleeping; trouble walking; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual tiredness or weakness; vision changes.
  • We are eating allot more fresh produce. Much more fruit and vegetables. Drinking water is easy because it is hotter than hell. I really am trying. The hardest thing for me to say no to is a Milo milkshake with ice cream on top – especially from Wimpy. If I was pregnant (which is impossible), that would be my craving of choice. I love it.     
  • Let’s see, since I last wrote I started a small but entertaining book club, meets stokvel called Wow! Woman of Worth. We exchange books, one member gets money to only spend only on her own self and we are all about second hand books. Friendships are already developing and I feel it is a good thing. I have never been invited to a book club so I made my own, isn’t the internet a wonderful place.
  • I have also undertaken to providing 80 pensioners with a goodie bag at an old age home in my old neighbourhood where my first mother in law was accommodated, although she had MS and was not was not elderly at the time. I was fond of my mom in law, Muriel. The twitter, blog, book club and facebook communities have donated so generously, huge thank you sooooo much!!!
  • My dear husband is working non-stop it feels, late night a plenty. He is attending a conference in Cape Town, round February / March 2012 and I will be joining him, if all goes well.  We have no idea of dates or details but like most bi-polar folk, I need something to look forward to and am very excited to be travelling with Noid. I am really excited and will pack double pain killers to make sure I enjoy it, or at least smile in the pictures and remember only later what we were doing. hahahahah.
  • My returning to work is still very much undecided. I have good days and I have bad days…. I have not reached a middle ground of many okay days in a row, if that makes sense. I must say that the company I work for remains fair, allowing me to feel dignified and has been supportive from the moment I told them. I honestly cannot complain or say anything negative.  I have a home visit scheduled with out health care division next week. Is weird because I don’t look sick, but I am in pain – even my specialist agreed with me there, nobody can see it, yet it is there.
  • Nic is writing exams and we have not heard much from him. He does have a lovely new girlfriend who keeps in touch with me on Face Book and is encouraging him to study so it is all good.
  • Kyle just started exams and is very dedicated. We keep in touch via bbm and he remains a serious health freak.
  • Kevin will be finished with high school next week when he writes his final exam. He has studied hard throughout the year and has notes for everything and I believe reached a good level of balance. He is still unsure what to do next year and Noid said to him to take his time, rather than us throw money at something he decides isn’t for him.
  • We moved Liam James to a new school in August with a different teaching method and he has done exceptionally well. It is sad but with a heavy but hopeful heart I have agreed that Liam James go live with his dad.  Liam James had wanted to go for the past three years and at 15 I feel he is mature enough to make such a decision.  His father has assured me that Liam James will be taughed in the same method of his current schooling. Off course we will miss him very, very, very much but as my Mom said, if Lee decided to leave at 15 (almost 16), or 18 – what is really the difference? In one way it is the circle of life and in another he will get to be part of hid dad’s life and follow his dreams of getting national colours for darts.
  • Yes, you may notice that I am no longer writing with anger or calling Liam James’s father the “x-person”….. It has taken me 15 years but I have let it go.  I feel at peace and like a huge burden has been lifted from me. I hope Liam James will be very happy in his new full time home and off course we will see him weekend and holidays etc.  Believe me I have moment of tears, but I send Liam James off with all my love, devotion and well wishes.
  • Victoria is currently writing exams and is a very middle of the road student. Very chilled. We  had agreed years ago that Victoria would live with her dad once she goes to high school. She asked if she could move a year early because she is unhappy at school, being teased because of her weight and as a very mature 12 year old, who has an extremely close relationship with her dad, I didn’t feel it would be right to say no. So Victoria will also be moving to a new school next year, and be living with her dad and his partner. I am finding it harder to let go as in truth she is my only daughter and we are also close….. but, such is life.  I know her dad will take good care of her, and his partner is very kind towards the kids.  I know she will miss me also as I her, but again, we will have weekends and holidays to make up time. I had to write a letter for school basically assuring them her dad didn’t run off with her and that I give my consent…. it took me four attempts before I had a letter that was not tear stained. This is very bloody hard.
  • My heart is however sad to see both my children spread their wings. I trust they will always remain true to themselves, remember to question everything and keep the good and let go of the bad. 
  • My Mom cried with me on the phone but feels with being ill, it will ease demands on  me and perhaps I will be able to give more qualty time to the kids when they come. All our kids will continue to come on the same weekends and we still haven’t had issues with them getting along.
  • Oh, Kevin did make use of this opportunity to move into Liam James and Douglas’s room which is bigger than his room since he figures they only coming for weekends and holidays. LOL So that was all set up this weekend and Lee and Dougie are quite comfortable.
  • We have been very happy that Douglas and Jenna-Lee’s mom has agreed on us having them on odd nights during the week. I’ve made sure to ask the kids if they want to come, they don”t have to and they both keen. Douglas suggested after the first visit that we have another. It has been special.
  • A dear friend, and faithful commentator on my blog recently found out that her son is very ill. I am not inclined to prayer, but if you are, I ask that you remember her and her son who is only 19. She is living every mothers worst nightmare.
  • It is our annual Thanksgiving celebration this Sunday and for the first time ever, I feel totally relaxed. I am not in the least worried or stressed. I believe the people who need to be here will be here, I believe I will enjoy good health on the day. I know my husband always makes excellent food…. I just hope Liam James ísn’t thankful he is not an alcoholic again…. mmmmm LOL
  • Even before all the above transpired, I decided we need a new baby cat, to be named Bella… Duchess Isabella. Bella is a fluffly little ball with legs that look like they too short for her body. She is just the cutest little thing. I wish she didn’t have to grow up (much like the kids).

Two things I heard from two completely, very different people… the one was that she wishes she had overlooked the little things and just loved the hell out of her boyfriend, said with regret and so much passion…. the second was that a friend that said he had lost focus of his partner and hadn’t put her as the centre of his world and that things started to go wrong.  Both these conversations have been on my mind and stood as reminder to me what marriage (or any romantic relationship) is truly about.

If you let the little things go and choose not to react to them and instead overload your love with friendship, companionship, sexual interest, acceptance and love and make them the centre of what you do, and act from a place of how do I make this person feel they are at the centre of my world, let go and be overjoyed that this particular person chose you out of all the people in this world to love  – and all things come second to that…. I don’t see how you can go wrong…. because even when things outside your power does go wrong, you will have a solid base relationship and have a safe place to fall.

I wish you enough, especially YOU handsome –

WεηchƔ

PS. My spellcheck refused to work, sorry!

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9 thoughts on “Open your arms to change… (it’s okay to cry,we all get scared)

  1. Ok, I did a double take at the muffin thing. Good grief, what possessed you? But well done. My cupcake adventure starts tomorrow … given our events planned for Saturday, I may be baking cupcakes in “my naked” (as Trey would say), because I am not sure what clothes I will be able to wear after the tattoo. LOL – now those would be super hot photos ….. whahahahaha, ignore me, I am being a f*ckwit (or not). Lol.

    You know my thoughts on the kids thing, we have chatted about this. It does not make you less of a mom, there will be loads more tears to come and I will cry with you all the way.

    See you on Sunday, it will be the first Thanksgiving for us since the first divorce (as you know). We have lots to be thankful for. I make no apologies for what may come out of Connor’s mouth but I will be proper and say something nice.

    Love you … xxx

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  2. Thank you for the reminder of what marriage (or any romantic relationship) is truly about..sent this on to a friend who is in a predicament-found your blog by accident and I love your writings 🙂

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  3. Hello (yes I’m still breathing and reading but not always commenting – spank me!!!! – just don’t sue me I don’t have the money).

    I wish I had a magic wand to change some things. Just imagine me in a pink tutu with a feathery wand full of glitter – awesomeness – but I don’t. I know love and virtual hugs are not medically rated as magical-fix-you-drugs, but it’s a start right?

    Love you (pas jouself op).

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  4. those muffins sound delicious! I also would have left the raisins out.

    what a post! shaw, ups n downs n so much emotional stuff, bravo to you for your charitable actions 🙂 so many people forget about the elderly.
    I don’t know how you must feel because just reading about two of your kids leaving to go live with their fathers made me feel sad and I don’t know ya’ll. :/ You seem to have a very mature outlook though and sound like you are handling it really well *hugs*

    As for the new diagnosis, there are no words. To go through the chemo and be thinking you have one condition and then it just changes, its like wtf.

    Hope you had an awesome thanksgiving, post some pics?

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  5. Wenchy…I am crying for your babies that are moving to their other parents. That just sucks! Please know that I am thinking of you and what you’re going through. *giant big hugs and prayers*

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