Nocturnal Wenchy

Kev, Victoria. Wenchy and Liam James

Douglas, Jenna-Lee and Noid

Nic and his girlfriend, Tash

Kyle

Dear family, friend and fuckwits who lurk in the shadows.

It is said that having a child, is to have your heart walk outside your body. I never knew I would end up with my heart scattered to so many children. Those born from my body and those born from my heart.

This year saw Noid and I enter an almost empty nest syndrome. I now get why there is even a fanTy name for when kids leave. Even when you know it is the best possible decision, your heart cries silent and audible tears and although you wear your very in fashion frog eye sunglasses, you feel the odd tear escape to run down my face.. Sorrow encloses your heart and squeezes – it is a taste of hell.

There are a few things I have already learned this year and we are not at the end of February yet.

Children are almost automatically given to moms to raise when getting divorce. Like it or lump it, but kids have a heart string that connects them to their mothers on a primal level which does not belittle the role of fathers one bit.

Moms eventually gets into a routine while mourning a divorce and as finances almost always appear too little. Woman often earn less then men as a given, they depends on fathers to contribute. Unfortunately not all fathers are created equal and some do not pay maintenance on time nor follow a visitation schedules or attend parents evenings, games or take calls from Principals when your kid tries to burn down the school.

We faced some life changing decisions last year after a year of intense illness for me. Medications ran into thousands {Easily R3000 a month with a depleted medical aid} with side effects to match. Sometimes I seriously hoped I won’t wake up. My life seemed to evolve between doctors and specialist visits. I felt guilty being sick and letting the team I love down at work, to the difficulty I experienced doing simple tasks at work and home.

How do you tell your Boss my hand can’t staple this paper today or I seriously can’t lift this file? I hated every second of it but the organisation itself that I had been involved with for 17 years and the people that surrounded me were super supportive and accommodating.

At home there were days I simply couldn’t drive to fetch kids as either my legs wouldn’t work, or the pain was overwhelming or the side effects like feeling dizzy and unsteady or vomiting kept infringing on my life. I felt like a complete burden on everyone around me. Thankfully Kevin and Noid stepped up and did the majority of the cooking. I gained 30kg purely as a side effect to meds which the specialist called “normal”. Fuck that….so you either in pain constantly or set a world record of the fattest person on earth! I chose to be in pain and have lost 12kg of side effect crap so far although I can’t see it on my body.

In our case Nic is now second year at varsity studying psychology. He has a beautiful, very focussed girlfriend named Tash. Nic stays with his Mom, the gorgeous Cal and step-dad Viktor and he enjoys a privileged life on the banks of the Vaal river with his two younger siblings. Speaking to Nic, you would never say so. He is as down to earth, compassionate and loving as a 21 year old can be. I speak more to Tash than Nic but perhaps that is boys becoming men.

Kevin is staying with Noid and I. I have never owned an apron but we are closely knitted. Kevin had brilliant matric results but since he remains unsure on what to study he has a year “off”. However he is working for my friend Natasja and her IT ventures and is learning so much. I am very grateful that she keeps him busy. His personality and mood slumps if it is not directed. I am thankful he is here.

Kyle, my darling adopted son stays with his Dad Edward, his uncle Wil {who makes the gorgeous biscuits} and his Ouma. He remains close to my heart and we chat often. He changed schools to a private school last year to explore his talent in drawing. Very gifted as is his entire family. He is still into body building like his Dad, doesn’t smoke or drink and a health nut and we chat often on bbm.
.
When Liam James mentioned he wanted to move to his Dad every December for the past three years, I finally did not fight it this time. Raising Liam James has moments of intense high maintenance. Liam James needs the outdoors, to swim and climb and his Dad stays near Meyerton on a small holding. We agreed that Liam James cannot function in main stream schooling and set in motion the move which happened end November 2011. Liam James now lives with his Dad Steve, his step-mom of many years Jacqui and his younger sister Kirsten whom he is very fond off.

Victoria had always said she wanted to stay with her Dad when she goes to high school. I was not coping and I felt it unfair that any of my kids should suffer. Moving her in grade 7 was a very difficulty decision, so many tears. I moved schools in grade 7 after my 30 year old father died and found it so very traumatic. Victoria had a different outlook to mine as the primary school is in the same area as the high school she wants to go to, she figured she would now already have friends. She left the same day as Liam James and stays with her Dad Brian and his partner, Stanley.

Douglas and Jenna-Lee stay with their Mom, Jenny {who owns the salon I go to, ⌣̊ ɈƐƞƐƶ ⌣̊} not too far away, near school so they can walk home. They recently got a kitten from my parents.

We see all the kids as often as we can, stay in touch by phone, sms and bbm, still it is tough.

Off course this sounds just dandy except that every time we drop the kids I cry and while I know this is best, I miss them all soooo very much. Noid does better than me as he has been doing this for years but I remember the time when he also cried.

The sad part is that you become almost a bystander to your child’s life and not the parent. Sure every other weekend and halve the holidays when the kids are with you, you have a say in what they wear, their behaviour, activities they engage in and if you agree a movie aged 13 is okay to watch, the rest of the time you have very little say or control.

The entire process of being a part time parent is difficult and makes your heart sore.

As with every lesson in life, you learn. I was always on the other end until the end of last year. I had my kids 26 days and 4 days a month they would go visiting Dad. I knew their other parents missed them off cause but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine how dis empowered they may feel, that they were so sad to say goodbye to their kids. They certainly didn’t have the best of both worlds as I imagined! They could come and go as they please and fetch kids every other weekend.

Another aspect I hadn’t banked on is how you much pressure you put on yourself to show your kids a good time while they are with you because you try to make every second count. You don’t do this to be the cool parent, far from it!!

You want them to be happy, have a good time and when you drop them you want to feel you made an effort so they will know how much you care and love them. I had never before felt pressure to show my kids a good time. Sure, we went out, we did things and it was fun but that was just life, now there is this other ingredient that gnaws at you….. If you can afford it at that moment in time or not.

I found myself with much deeper compassion and empathy for mostly fathers, who are proper, who have to drop kids on a late Sunday afternoon. You don’t want to let go. You try and use language never to make your child anxious but convey you love them and you miss them, and you think of them all the time.

Single parenting is not for cowards and bloody hard……but, being the parent, one step removed isn’t for the faint hearted either. Divorce happens between adults, you never divorce your child!

I challenge especially woman, to put themselves on the other side of the equation and you may surprise yourself in the empathy you feel.

On being proper:

Let me make it clear that I am talking about mostly fathers, as this is the most common demographic who drop their kids on a Sunday, who do want to see their kids, who are not perfect but who are interested in their kids lives and want to be part of them growing up, making a fuss for birthdays and knowing when that is. Fathers who knows their kids need to be fed, clothed etc and that maintenance is not cause the Mom wants to have her nails done.

I feel NO empathy for absent fathers who moms constantly have to drag to maintenance court because they simply don’t get paid maintenance, or who have to explain to their child why once again Dad promised but didn’t rock up to fetch them on Friday.

I wish you enough….
Wεnchƴ♥

Children are a blessing

Posted by Wenchy from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.