How can I try to explain?

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Dear Kev,

What the world will never see is my delight in a little boy being born,  exactly like I ordered him.

Stubborn,  headstrong, sensitive and kind. Opinionated, clever, funny,  talented… my boy who plays the dark side of the moon as if it were notes dancing on his guitar.

They will never see the 4 year old boy hysterical to get out his car seat, to get to his mom because she is crying next to the road, with her shirt torn open. Nor the 12 year old who baked cupcakes after 10pm cause it was mom’s birthday and nobody celebrated.

They don’t know how quickly you needed to grow up because you were stronger in that moment,  and when you weren’t,  I was there. A tag team when you should have been a boy.

They don’t know your support in moments of heartbreaking pain,  when you yourself was hurting. You stood next to me when we said goodbye to those we loved. You never turned away.

They will never see the tenderness and commitment with which you have loved me. Your generous spirit in taking care of what you have claimed as yours. They don’t know our 3am.

They don’t see you holding my hand as a 14 year old during a mammogram because a doctor found a lump. Telling me it doesn’t matter,  we have each other. It will be ok and it was.

They don’t see our loud laughter at the jokes we share, or the past we attempt to make light off. They don’t see our secret world of tears, or our moments of extreme appreciation. They don’t hear you say “I love you” regardless of who is with you.

They don’t see my shouting and you respectfully just saying “Yes”, both of us knowing you totally disagree, but one never raises your voice to a woman.  Especially not your Mom and definitely not your sister.

They don’t know your thanksgiving at my sometimes royal screw ups and that you saw them as necessary to form who you are today. Lifting some of my feelings of regret and wanting to beg for forgiveness.

They don’t need to. They only need to see the man you became…. and that man, speaks louder than words ever could.

With huge gratitude, endless love and appreciation, you are my sunshine,
Nancy x

PS.  #YNWA

Posted to WordPress from the Galaxy of Samsung from the second cloud on your left.

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6 thoughts on “How can I try to explain?

  1. Hierdie inskrywing gryp ‘n mens aan die hart. So maak ons mans groot. Now go pat yourself on the back, have some bubbles and spread purple glitter for the world to see that we will never walk alone. Love you.

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