I winked and you were gone.

Dear Kev, Liam James and Victoria,

I miss you tonight with a pain so intense in my chest, it makes breathing difficult. Tears burns my eyes silently.

Remember when we were all we had?

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Burning marshmallows over a candle on the bedroom floor because I was a “cool” mom like that? I always wanted to be a Mom.

All four of us sleeping in the same room because we didn’t feel safe? Kev doing us all a favour really…

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Fighting to get Liam James to put his socks on for school…or get out of bed … or brush his teeth … and “I’m sorry” letters late at night that made me cry.

Walking into the house and smell Kev made dinner. Never had any working mother given bigger thanks than I. Thanks my boy.

Victoria and her pet snails, chatting to the kids next door through a wire gate, and always wanting a story, which I most often felt too exhausted to read.

I’m sorry I stopped baking cookies from scratch. I was sad. I’m sorry I could not keep every drawing you ever made, although I wanted to. I’m sorry all three of you know how to deal with a person having a panic attack. I’m sorry I wasn’t more fun and I wish I didn’t take growing you so seriously… I worried a lot. We did laugh plenty at weird stuff nobody seemed to get. We still do.

To be honest, it was the worst of times inside my heart. I congratulated myself when we got through another day – fed, clothed, home work done, most school uniforms located.

I felt thankful that you all pretended to be so strong when I clearly wasn’t. I’m sorry I had no sense of humour when Lee changed lunches around as it pleased him. We were late dammit Liam!

You inspired me to always try again tomorrow. I always felt I could try be better tomorrow. You always loved me enough to give me hope. I was always saying sorry. Until this day, you say “it’s okay”. Thank you for new mercies every day.

Now? I regret I didn’t read you more stories. I wish you didn’t have to grow up. I regret we didn’t swim more together, although none of us could afford to pay Kev to get in the pool! I wish for a million more nights of bedtime to tuck you in.

Every night I wonder where you are, if you are okay, if I gave you enough skills to live life. All grown up, living life and stuff.

Almost 23h00. Soon I shall take my evening medication and chemicals will thankfully take over until morning.

Sometimes I don’t want to think. Coward I am.

I love you more …. and I’m sorry for my many mistakes. You deserved better.

I wish you enough,

The girl who happened to be called Mom by the #originalcast

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14 thoughts on “I winked and you were gone.

  1. Thank you. I never feel that I tried hard enough. I always feel I should, could, would have done better…. but I wasn’t better.

    I was a walking broken person, sometimes I still am.

    Like

  2. Your kids are the luckiest kids in the world to have you Wenchy.

    None of us are perfect all the time but what you have given them, on levels most people won’t understand, despite difficult circumstances, cannot be measured.

    You are an AWESOME Mom, Wife and person and you should never have any regrets for doing the best you could, where you were, with what you had.

    I Love you

    Like

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