Nocturnal Wenchy

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

This post was written by Cara who needed a platform to let out her feelings about a baby girl she miscarried when she was 17 years old.

To my unborn child

I remember the day I met you and lost you all at once like it was burnt into the back of my mind with a hot poker. I remember thinking to myself that there is something wrong with me for not knowing you were there and for not being able to keep you there.

I am truly sorry for not listening to my body when the signs were there, and doing something when I did, instead of finding excuses.

But thank you. Thank you for the miracle and the adventure that you turned out to be. You showed me who I am, that I am not made of glass and taught me how to stand tall. You taught me how to stand up again when I couldn’t even find the strength to breath.

The thought of you is what has moulded me into the person I am today. The memory of you is my greatest inspiration.

I can say will full honesty that if it wasn’t for the loss of you, I would be a law student, fiancé or friend that I am today.

Your father wouldn’t be the man he is today, and I have never been more proud of who is and who he continues to grow into.

I love you with my whole heart and I miss you every day.

To my best friend and the father of my child

People have accused me of being many things but the mother to your child will be my greatest honour, no matter how many times it is said with the intention of using it as a weapon. No matter what, you will always be my greatest adventure, and I’m sorry it had to end this way.

There are many times that I regret how you found out that the only child you will ever have, is gone. I never regret that it happened though.

That is the thing about idolising someone so much. You dehumanise that person, creating something of a demigod. You could do no wrong. And it took the greatest tragedy for that to change. But im glad it did.

You have the most amazing fiancé that wouldn’t still be around if you hadn’t gone through the horror story of us. If you didn’t break down. If you didn’t show your vulnerable side. And im really glad you did.

To the fiancé

I will never be able to explain to you how deeply and truly thankful I am for looking after my angel boy. He will always be my first love and the person I go when things are bad, but I am grateful he has someone as strong and kind-hearted as you by his side building him back up in a way that nobody else ever could. I am sorry you had to go through the wreckage but I am truly grateful you stayed. You are the biggest blessing of this whole thing. Thank you for being the person who put all his pieces back together. Thank you for making him the man he is today. I’m sorry you got caught in the shrapnel. My heart will never be able to show you the gratitude for the guardian angel you have become and remain.

To the girl in the hospital room alone.

I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you, and you are in no way alone. This is a tragedy but it’s not the end. There is no amount of time that could change it and there is nothing that can be said to make it easier. But know that there is most definitely nothing wrong with you.

We live in a society where it has become normal to speak about traumatic events and the after effects but it’s not ok to speak up about a phenomenon that is happening in almost every household. The loss of a child.

1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone.

You will learn to smile again without your hand drifting to your stomach and you will learn how to walk down the baby aisle without freezing and becoming starstruck at the possibility of something that was taken away from you.

You are allowed to grieve and mourn. Most importantly, don’t forget to breathe.

To my future husband.

I was 17 when it happened and the impact from the womb exploding has made it one of about 20 reasons why I will never be able to have children ever again. I am sorry.

I sit on the bed and I listen to the stories of how you will teach your son to play cricket. How to be a gamer worth of the internet, how your daughter will learn to play ballet.She will thave my eyes, your cheek bones and will be an angel.

Never lose hope. I am sorry you had to sacrifice the greatest gift on earth without having the choice to do it. I will never stop trying to make it up to you.

To the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

The stretch marks that now mark your body in places that live as reminders will soon be badges of pride. You will learn how to love yourself with them.

Your hair will frizz and curl in new and exciting ways than before, embrace the crown that frames your face.

The chubby cheeks and the soft edges around your curves is your new and improved body armour. You are a warrior and this is your battle. A battle you have already won.

You are alive and you are breathing.

Cara