It’s a cool Saturday morning in Hillcrest. I make myself a cup of coffee and climb back into bed, feeling lazy. I give in to the urge to contact Tracey. I can’t help myself. She’s become my drug of choice. My entire body tingles with anticipation. I crave the intoxication of her presence, her touch, her lips on mine. I love the flirty banter when we speak, so I give in and phone her. As usual, we can’t stop chatting. Excitement buzzes through the phone connection. I’m high on the thrill. I’m laughing on the phone when I hear the front door open.
Shit, it’s Brad. I freeze. My heart beats wildly. My mind betrays me and blanks. I put on a smile, while a thread of fear twirls in my gut. I turn off the phone knowing that Tracey has heard him.
“We need to talk.”
“Ok, what’s up?” I pull myself up in the bed and try to swallow my guilt.
He looks at me and sighs, running his fingers through his short blonde hair. He looks haggard.
“Who were you talking to on the phone?”
My heart races towards the finish line as dread stalks me.
“Tracey, the lady who’s teaching me golf.”
“What were you talking about?”
“We were planning our next lesson.” The lie flies easily from my lips.
He turns away, paces up and down beside the window. Then he stops and turns to look at me.
“Is everything ok between us?”
“Do you think it is?” I ask. Suddenly my dread and guilt changes. A slow heat in my chest rises, a feeling I’m so familiar with the company of men. Anger.
“Things don’t seem right,” He says.
I stare at him, narrowing my eyes. “Well, we are definitely drifting apart.”
He takes a deep breath.
“Are you having an affair?” It comes out bluntly.
I take a deep breath and try to control the tremor in my voice. Tears unexpectedly well up.
I gather my courage.
“Yes, Brad, I’m sorry, but I am,” I whisper. The thickness in my throat makes it difficult to speak.
The words are out.
Shit, how can I do this to him? I still care for him. I don’t want to hurt him. Yet a huge swell of relief washes over me. The deception is finally over. It’s only been a month but it feels like years.
“I knew it.”
A stunted wail fills the room as the shards of truth penetrate him. I am the cruellest person on the planet. I’ve inflicted a deep wound on him.
“Who is it?” He asks anger has crept into his voice.
I can’t say her name.
“I’m having an affair… with a woman.”
And so, our lives change.
I can’t say that I’m proud of leaving my pastor ex-husband due to an affair, but I am glad that we ended our marriage.
I never realised that I was gay until I met Tracey. We clicked from the first moment that we met. She always says that it is not about being gay. It’s about the person you fall in love with. Well, she’s the person for me. We are completely made for each other.
Tracey knows how to love. She cares for people wholeheartedly. If she’s on your side, you know that she will be forever loyal and faithful to you. It’s a wonderful gift. Being able to trust someone so completely. She also has a wicked sense of humour. She can make me laugh when I am at my angriest, pulling me instantly out of a bad mood. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone else. I’m a thousand percent accepted by her, at my best and at my worst. It’s heady and empowering and I revel in it. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing what contentment is. The freedom of not having to perform.
Besides all of this, I enjoy being in her company. I love our Saturday morning outings to Mugg & Bean for on-the-go breakfasts with cappuccinos. Planning our gardening together and going to the nursery to see how many plants we can get on our budget. Going out to dinner when we’re broke, knowing that the money should be spent more wisely and laughing at ourselves as we munch away with a good glass of wine.
Arranging our annual holidays and somehow always pulling it off financially, whether it be our favourite cottage on the West Coast or an overseas trip. I love the way we often come up with the same idea or response at exactly the same time.
I want to be with this woman forever. I simply can’t imagine life without her.
Being a woman is a beautiful gift. We need to find our strength in our unique femininity and not allow society to dictate the so-called norms to us. Let’s all live fully in our individual truths and support each other on the way.
A fifty-something young woman. Digital media coach. Social media manager. Writer. Founder of Network Explosion. Nature lover. Enjoyer of life. Scooter freak.