Lee.

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

My chest feels heavy and every now and then I feel myself gasping for air. There is a lump in my throat as a cry wants to escape. A wetness in the corner of my eyes. Breathe.

I miss my Liam. Writing the words, the wetness escapes my eyes and I feel the tears running down my face.

It has been a month since my boy left for England, yet it feels much longer. It is painful. I feel a desperation I don’t know how to describe.

Every smidge of news I absorb. Every picture shared I save and print it into my memory. I don’t want to miss a thing.

I don’t want him to feel sad. I want him to see things, do things I’ve never done. Go places. Laugh. Be you. Touch the world as only you can.

My Liam James is doing just dandy over the sea. It is only me who is not. There is this hole, this empty space in my life where Lee fits in that I don’t know how to fill.

Does it get better?

I wish you enough,
Liam’s Mom.

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I’m not a Queen 👑?

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Let me set the murder scene.

The husband is sitting outside, very proudly looking at the fire he made. Fast forward to after the Boer War.

The fire is inside a built in braai.

In the wall.

With a light inside it, so you can check if you are Afrikaans or English.

The husband is drinking a beer. I ask him where my Strawberry Daiquiri is. He replies bravely… actually, I should be serving him drinks as he is making a fire for me.

A fire for me? I’ve already suggested the use of the oven twice, and yet he keep mentioning a fire. (Must check out his schizophrenic tendancies with therapist.)

Back to the drink. Now … I know my heritage is a touch of Portuguese, a slap on the ass of Italian and a karvoevel with a Cape Coloured somewhere, but none it includes me serving beer! (Wench – – – naaah!)

Then the realisation hit me. I’m Egyptian! Clearly right? I’m Cleopatra. A queen!

Husband says “Even if you were Egyptian, which you are not, what makes you a Queen?”

#LeSigh… “Well, there is no way I was going to be Egyptian AND a peasant!”

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

The silence that is me.

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

“…and, for that little while,
the darkness was kind.”
~ Stephen King

The past year has been filled with contradiction. Life changing decisions which lead me to feelings of elation, dread, hope, happiness and despair.

Perhaps that is life. Not being stagnant is positive. Change is the one thing we can count on. How we deal with change is the game changer I’m told.

Right now I’m dealing with my blue eyed wonder, Liam James having relocated permanently to the UK. Anyone who knows our story, know that a chunk of my identity and heart got on that plane. I am very happy for my boy. I want him to do things I never did, see places I’ve never been. It is however painful to not have him with me.

I was ill for over four weeks with a crazy case of bronchitis and for the first time in my life, fainting. Ovet-rated for sure. Three antibiotics, wheezing and feeling unsteady on my feet. For weeks. We really should place more emphasis on celebrating our health.

I could not meet my media obligations. I feel like a failure. I’m behind in my writing course, my reviews and attending events was impossible. I don’t like doing the bare minimum just so that “something” was done.

I also realised that I over complicate writing, as well as blogging. I want it to be my idea of perfect. I read other blogs and I feel dissapointed. It seems simplistic. I expect more. There is nothing wrong with their posts, but I always expect it to extraordinary. I’m being unfair. Stop the search for perfect. Just be dammit. Just enjoy things for what they are.

I decided to return to basics. Write. Come on Wenchy. Just be you. Write for you. Even when it isn’t perfect….. because darling you are far from perfect. Writers write, so WRITE!

It is 4h36am. I’m going to post this because my friends miss me just writing about every day kinda stuff, and me being just being me… and writing is one of the few ways I know will assist me with the murky waters of the taunting depression I feel lurking.

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

Closing Circles

The Nocturnal Wenchy

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.

Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

– Paulo Coelho