This is her story.

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

This post was written by Cara who needed a platform to let out her feelings about a baby girl she miscarried when she was 17 years old.

To my unborn child

I remember the day I met you and lost you all at once like it was burnt into the back of my mind with a hot poker. I remember thinking to myself that there is something wrong with me for not knowing you were there and for not being able to keep you there.

I am truly sorry for not listening to my body when the signs were there, and doing something when I did, instead of finding excuses.

But thank you. Thank you for the miracle and the adventure that you turned out to be. You showed me who I am, that I am not made of glass and taught me how to stand tall. You taught me how to stand up again when I couldn’t even find the strength to breath.

The thought of you is what has moulded me into the person I am today. The memory of you is my greatest inspiration.

I can say will full honesty that if it wasn’t for the loss of you, I would be a law student, fiancé or friend that I am today.

Your father wouldn’t be the man he is today, and I have never been more proud of who is and who he continues to grow into.

I love you with my whole heart and I miss you every day.

To my best friend and the father of my child

People have accused me of being many things but the mother to your child will be my greatest honour, no matter how many times it is said with the intention of using it as a weapon. No matter what, you will always be my greatest adventure, and I’m sorry it had to end this way.

There are many times that I regret how you found out that the only child you will ever have, is gone. I never regret that it happened though.

That is the thing about idolising someone so much. You dehumanise that person, creating something of a demigod. You could do no wrong. And it took the greatest tragedy for that to change. But im glad it did.

You have the most amazing fiancé that wouldn’t still be around if you hadn’t gone through the horror story of us. If you didn’t break down. If you didn’t show your vulnerable side. And im really glad you did.

To the fiancé

I will never be able to explain to you how deeply and truly thankful I am for looking after my angel boy. He will always be my first love and the person I go when things are bad, but I am grateful he has someone as strong and kind-hearted as you by his side building him back up in a way that nobody else ever could. I am sorry you had to go through the wreckage but I am truly grateful you stayed. You are the biggest blessing of this whole thing. Thank you for being the person who put all his pieces back together. Thank you for making him the man he is today. I’m sorry you got caught in the shrapnel. My heart will never be able to show you the gratitude for the guardian angel you have become and remain.

To the girl in the hospital room alone.

I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you, and you are in no way alone. This is a tragedy but it’s not the end. There is no amount of time that could change it and there is nothing that can be said to make it easier. But know that there is most definitely nothing wrong with you.

We live in a society where it has become normal to speak about traumatic events and the after effects but it’s not ok to speak up about a phenomenon that is happening in almost every household. The loss of a child.

1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone.

You will learn to smile again without your hand drifting to your stomach and you will learn how to walk down the baby aisle without freezing and becoming starstruck at the possibility of something that was taken away from you.

You are allowed to grieve and mourn. Most importantly, don’t forget to breathe.

To my future husband.

I was 17 when it happened and the impact from the womb exploding has made it one of about 20 reasons why I will never be able to have children ever again. I am sorry.

I sit on the bed and I listen to the stories of how you will teach your son to play cricket. How to be a gamer worth of the internet, how your daughter will learn to play ballet.She will thave my eyes, your cheek bones and will be an angel.

Never lose hope. I am sorry you had to sacrifice the greatest gift on earth without having the choice to do it. I will never stop trying to make it up to you.

To the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

The stretch marks that now mark your body in places that live as reminders will soon be badges of pride. You will learn how to love yourself with them.

Your hair will frizz and curl in new and exciting ways than before, embrace the crown that frames your face.

The chubby cheeks and the soft edges around your curves is your new and improved body armour. You are a warrior and this is your battle. A battle you have already won.

You are alive and you are breathing.

Cara

The Kindness Of Strangers

wentzel

2016 was a tough year

Hi. My name is Wentzel Lombard, I’m a 25-year-old freelance actor and (kind of) writer.

No, you don’t know who I am. I haven’t been in any big movies and I don’t do musicals. It’s not that I don’t like musicals, it’s just that I can’t sing or dance for shit. I’d like to make a film or two, but I don’t have a pretty face and I’m not masculine enough for the patriarchal Afrikaner audience. I do much better in theatre where I get to be anything I want to be.

As for writing, well that’s another case. I write on and off, and occasionally I get paid for it. The rest of the time I just scream into the abyss that is my blog. This is where her royal Wenchness (fuck you, autocorrect, that is a word). She asked me to write a guest blog post, but caught me at just the wrong time. I don’t consider myself to be the world’s greatest writer, and shortly before she asked me to do this, a major publisher rejected a manuscript that I sent to them. This hit my confidence quite a bit harder than I expected and caused me to hit a complete creative block. Also, when people ask me to write something for them I have a tendency of freaking the fuck out. When I write for myself, I feel like I can get away with not being so good, but when other people ask me to write for them, I feel like I need to pull a huge rabbit out of the hat. In fact, this is my fourth attempt to write something for Wenchy (fuck off, autocorrect, you’re beige). I didn’t finish the other three because I thought that they were shit.

Now you’re just going to have to deal with my shit.

Being a “creative” person is hard. I once read in a book about acting that you never see a plumber break down in tears because someone criticised his work. But when it comes to being creative we are so fucking desperate to be validated and successful. People can give me so many positive comments about something, but that one negative response will be the thing that swims around in my thoughts. This is necessary to a degree, of course. We need to better ourselves as artists and people. When someone points out a flaw and we deem it to be a valid point, we need to fix it if we can. The most boring artists are the ones who become stagnant and believe that they “have arrived” or know everything.

This is why I recently attended an advanced film acting course. Being a theatrical actor, I often find it difficult to make the shift to camera. Last year I did the beginner’s course and learned a lot. This year I learned even more. But I was frustrated with myself. I felt very depressed going into the course, making it very difficult for me to focus when we filmed our scenes. This was very apparent when we did playback.

After I had a huge (and embarrassing) meltdown at a rehearsal, I returned to therapy and my anti-depressant dosage got increased. This had a good and bad effect – On the upside I was no longer depressed. My feelings of gloom and doom dried up. I am again able to shower every day and not sit in my car crying for no reason. The downside was that all my feelings seem to have dried up. When people ask me how I am, I don’t really have an answer. I find myself in situations where I know that I would usually be really sad, angry, or even happy – but I feel nothing. I just shrug my shoulders through this fuck up that is life.

This mostly poses a problem with my work. Being an actor and (sort of) writer, I need to be in touch with my emotions. I don’t know how to be creative without linking it to emotions. Stories relate to people and the human condition, and if we remove the ability to feel then we become robots. Fuck, I think I just realized that I’m a robot.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes.

So, after realizing that I have been stripped of all creative ability, I started thinking that I would never finish writing something for Mother Wench. Instead, I went to the theatre with a friend. Since I’m not acting, I might as well go and watch other people act.

After the show, my friend introduced me to a few people. This kind of thing is an absolute nightmare for me. I have terrible social anxiety, but being a masochist, I also decided to choose a line of work that requires me to constantly meet new people – much to my dismay.

But then the strangest thing happened.

The one girl I got introduced to told me that I looked cool. I reacted the way that I react to most compliments: (What? Me? Oh… uhm… uh… uhm… Thanks. Haha). I’ve been called many things in my life, but “cool” definitely isn’t a regular. Next, we spoke to one of the cast members. Someone said something funny and I laughed (or maybe I was just anxious). Suddenly, the actor remarked that I had a beautiful smile. I almost died. This very attractive man (straight, unfortunately) liked my smile?

And then it clicked. I knew what to write about. Kind of.

I have always had a hard time dealing with myself, if that makes sense. Whenever I go to auditions, or even when I’m just walking down the street, I feel so ugly. Thus, when someone compliments a person like me, they have no idea of the impact it makes. We all have a certain degree of narcissism inside us, and this needs to be fed. We aren’t bad people for wanting others to validate us. We are just… people.

The other night I sat up until 4h30am talking to a friend of mine, and we discussed the topic of ghosts. I said that I don’t understand why they feel the need to manifest themselves. We then both agreed that it’s probably because they wanted to be remembered. We all want to be remembered, don’t we? Not necessarily in the way that James Dean or Marilyn Monroe are remembered, but it would be nice to think that for some time after I’m gone, people will think of me and remember that once upon a time there was a person called Wentzel and he did something.

And I realized that in asking me to write this post, I was also being validated by Madame Wench. This is something very special. Our family and friends have to be nice to us. Those who have never met us or barely know us aren’t obliged to do anything. This is why their kindness matters the most.

Thank you.

Wentzel on Twitter

Wentzel’s Blog 

 

​Striving towards the thinner side of life.

My darling Bestie, @NocturnalWenchy again asked me to write a piece for her blog. And once again, I wonder if my words will have any impact on anyone else’s life.  

You see, I am quite the opposite to my outgoing, full of life, always smiling Bestie. The topic that she chose for me to write about is my weight loss journey.  And what an epic travel it is turning out to be.

I have always been on the bigger (read larger) side.  When I was a child, the weight issue got kept in check due to the vast number of sports that I participated in at any one time or another.  

So naturally after school, the weight piled on because I longer had the disciplines of the various sports to keep me going.  

I finished school weighing 85kg and a size 16.  And so it went for many years – the yo-yo dieting, the fluctuating weight and teetering between a size 18 and size 26.

Many of the days, it was just easier to give up and eat whatever. This was fuelled by the most cutting and snide comments from the ex. I got to the point that “who cares”. No one will love me being big, and I was my worst critic and enemy. This went on until the end of last year. 

I went on a cruise with my sister. I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with me at all. I just couldn’t see exactly how whale-like I had become. 

I got the shock of my life, when on a day in January, I decided to weigh myself.  I nearly died when the numbers stopped at 157kg.  

A fact that I am most certainly not proud of, in fact the complete opposite. I was sick to my stomach. How on earth had I let things get so completely out of control?  It was in that very instant that I decided that enough was enough and so the birth of #campaignsweet16 came about.  

I decided that working to a goal weight so often ends in failing, complete with the self-loathing and guilt that normally come with these types of things. 

The last time I was a size 16 was in 1992 when I finished school.  I have managed to get to an 18 quite a few times and then I fall off the proverbial wagon again.  Each time I was doing more harm than the time before.  I found a high protein diet on the internet and decided to give it a try. 

No it’s not Banting or LCHF or anything like that. Literally I started on high protein, no starch, no sugar, no added fats, no carbs, no colours or preservatives. So basically, think of everything that is yummy and nice and cut that out of your diet.  

However, I have found that if you are craving something, then has a small piece otherwise you end up binging and the whole cycle starts from the beginning again with the added “fun” of the extra self-loathing that you end up piling on yourself. 

I have also joined the gym, and hired a biokinetist to help me along my journey. So I try as much as I can to go five times a week.  I have had to take a little sabbatical due to broken ribs and torn tendons. That is a story for another day.  I have basically concentrated on cardio with a little strengthening and toning in between.  

My specialist has suggested that I begin swimming more often and also to join a yoga and/or pilates class to strengthen my core. This in itself should help the incredible back pain that I have suffered with over a number of years.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that it takes a long time to get into the “shape” that I got to, so getting back to the shape that I want to be will also take a lot of time. 

Unfortunately there are no magic pills, potions, rubs or miracle cures.  

It is simply working hard and sticking to a regimen that in total will benefit you. You have to be beholden to your own ideals and goals. Having said which it is generally a really grand idea to set goals that are achievable and work towards smaller short-term goals instead of looking at an incredibly huge number that you want to shed ahead of you.  This, I find, not only scares you and seems unachievable, but it is also easier to fall off the proverbial wagon.  

Smaller goals are easily reached and you are then able to “reward” yourself with little treats along the way.  

Most of all be kind to yourself.  Remember that we are all human and unless you have the will power that is as unbending as a scarecrow, there will be times that you err. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Keep in mind the end goal that you want to achieve. Keep going and you will get there. 

Be realistic. You can’t expect to lose everything in one month.  Slowly seems to be the best way to keep it off – as long as there are no huge binges involved as soon as you get some sort of positive result.   

I have also discovered that the more positive your mind set, the easier it seems to be to stay on track.  

So quite simply put, the happier you are, the easier it becomes to lose weight and the happier you become because you are actually getting to where you want to be! 

Having started this journey at the end of January 2016, I am now over 40kg lighter. I still want to lose another 35kg or so.

Most importantly I want to be at least a size 14!  I want those sparkly Guess Jeans. (Every girl needs diamonds on her ass at least once in her life!)  

So my original #CampainSweet16 has morphed in #CampaignSweet14GuessJeans.  

I will get there. I haven’t set myself a time limit (way too easy to set myself up for disappointment!) 

At the moment, I am a 16 on top and an 18 on bottom. So I am getting there. Top prize would be getting into those Guess Jeans by the time it’s my birthday. 

Birthday bubbles and sparkly jeans – sounds like a plan to me!

—– ♡♡♡—–

Thank you my lovely #bestie for sharing. Congratulations on a wonderful, inspirational weight loss journey! I cannot weight to see you in them jeans.

You can interact with Gail on Twitter:  @GailvonG2  ✔

Jozi Food Whore – leaves no dish untasted.

30 Things I am grateful for:

1. My Tall, Dark & Handsome. The man has oodles of patience and tons of love and I am blessed every day for having him in my life, for those generous arms around me. And he brings me cheese.

1-jozi2. Friendships. So many amazing friends have blessed me with their light and love since 2010, when I first started “living life”. Countless, spectacular people who have come and stayed, come and gone, come and gone and come again. The list is long.

3. My brother. We used to be each others’ best friends until our respective partners came along but our connection remains deep and sometimes even just a gesture or a word or a look can have me in fits of laughter. That’s years and years and years of friendship right there.

4. My doggies, Spud and Lemon. They’ve been with me for 7 years now, and they’re crazy – completely abnormal – pavement specials. But I do love them. And they were there through the worst times of life, without ever ceasing their attempts to lick me! And that’s what you need in a good friend. Ha.

5. Family. We don’t always get along but when the chips are down, family is there for you.

6. Good people in hard positions. It’s tough to remain a generous, giving person when you’re in an ‘ard-as-nails job but I’ve met people who still remain kind and big-hearted even when they often receive only negativity in return. That’s a special characteristic I cannot claim to have but which I can definitely appreciate in wonderful people I know.

7. Food, glorious food. We are so spoilt when it comes to food. We must never take it for granted. Every single bite should always be appreciated and savoured. And when it comes to food, there are many many many things to love. So many. But some deserve their own line.

8. Cheese, all the cheese!

9. Baked cheese cake.

10. Eggplant

11. Cannolis

12. Pasteis de nata

13. Biltong

14. 90% dark chocolate

15. Coffee

16. Any paneer dish.

17. Peanut butter

18. Beer …

19. … and wine. Let’s be honest, people. Life is hard. But there are fantastic days that cannot be measured. Hot summer days where you get to put a cold beer to your lips, and swallow that goodness, and feel it tingle on your tongue, and tickle down your throat. And cold winter nights, when you sit around a fire, ignoring the fact that it’s freezing, and drink some lovely bold red wine from our very own shores. That’s when life is good.

20. Braai. Is there anything better than a braai? Tell me what. I will listen, half-heartedly. Braai has all the elements. Fire! Food! Company! Warmth! Community!

21. Laughter.

22. Sleep. I love my sleep and a good, solid, lights-out sleep is something I am extremely grateful for. It doesn’t always happen but when it does, I absolutely luxuriate in it.

23. Jo’burg thunderstorms. One of my favourite things is driving into Jozi from the north when a storm is just rolling in and you can see all the swaths of rain and the thunder going crazy from a distance.

24. My health. Though I’m not in peak physical condition (thanks, beer!), I’m in pretty good nick. I have a great many close friends and family members who are struggling with serious health issues daily. Never take your health for granted.

25. My job. I’m often heard bemoaning my day job and the fact that I can’t attend certain events as a result but truth be told, I was about to lose everything when this job came along so I’m more than a little grateful.

26. My phone. Oh, how I love my phone. This little treasure chest gives me all the functions I need to run my food-loving moonlighting life. Without it, I would be lost!

27. My car. There was a time when I almost sold it to get a scooter (cost-saving stories). But seriously, I would have missed my “Ossewa” (it’s a mommy wagon, basically) a helluva lot. Useful does not even begin to describe my MPV.

28. Nature and the great outdoors. Saffas don’t always stop to appreciate how amazing our quality of life can be. Step out your door, even in the urban sprawl of Jo’burg, and you won’t have to go far to find nature in all its glory: lush green spaces, trees, flowers, and beauty.

29. This city, Jozi. I’m not from here but I feel like I should be. If you ask me where I was born, I’ll say Rustenburg. If you ask me where I’m from, I’ll say Jozi. I love every single part of this city, even the grime and the dark bits. Yes, it needs a lot of work. Jozi is like a porn star who made some poor choices in the past, but who is also trying to kick some bad habits and come clean as a soccer mom: she’ll forever be edgy and a little dark but she’s trying to do the family thing. At least her kids will always be able to take the knocks and get back up again, even if they are a little dysfunctional.

30. This land. Say what you want, political and cultural arguments aside, this place is in my bones. I was born here and I played in the red dirt, and when I played rough and the dirt rewarded me with scratches and scrapes, it mixed with my blood. I go away, and I miss it. I meet foreign faces in foreign places, and I smile when I think about my countrymen and women. I visit a land where the sun hardly shines, even for just a few days, and I dream of turning my face into the sun at home. Not everyone loves it. Not everyone believes I should love it. It’s irrelevant. I love it.

Find me on Twitter and Instagram as @JoziFoodWhore and on Facebook at facebook.com/JoziFoodHo. I also have a blog! www.jozifoodwhore.co.za

The Food Musketeer – #21 REVIEWER IN JOHANNESBURG

☆ Love ♡ Food ♡ Photography ☆ ☆ Living Life 1 Meal at a Time☆

30-thankful

Think this is a wonderful initiative, to count our blessings in a way… so here is a quick snapshot of the things I am grateful for.

  1. My Family near and far
  2. Awesome friends who accept me as I am
  3. Living in Beautiful South Africa / East Rand
  4. My health that’s improved over the years
  5. Pork Ribs
  6. Braais with Masala lamb chops
  7. Privilege of always meeting new foodies along my journey
  8. Highveld thunderstorms (when they arrive)
  9. Lindt chocolates
  10. Bacon
  11. Vodka
  12. Technology
  13. Spices, without them what would food taste like.
  14. Access to semi clean drinking tap water (you appreciate this when travelling abroad)
  15. Electricity, when there is no power cuts.
  16. Having the ability to work and make a living
  17. Good, will always prevail over bad.
  18. My moms chocolate cake
  19. Hairdryers and straighteners
  20. Beautiful flowers to brighten our days.
  21. Amazing weather
  22. Birthdays, it means we survive another year
  23. Being able to travel.
  24. Learning something new everyday
  25. Rainbows
  26. Weekends and public holidays
  27. Internet
  28. Diverse cultures that give us new perspectives on life
  29. Challenges that make us stronger.
  30. Swearwords to express myself…lol

Twitter: @dajeeml

Facebook: The Food Musketeer

Instagram: The Food Musketeer

Zomato: The Food Musketeer

News24 Voices: Maya Dajee

Objectifying men since birth… Weslee Swain Lauder

“Spieëltjie, spieëltjie aan die wand, wie is die mooiste in die land?”

1) Facebook memories every morning.

2) Nakhane Toure‘s music.

3) Salticrax @Bakers_Biscuits – red onion flav.

4) Sunshine.

5) Gautrain– taking the edge off driving.

6) The golden butterfly snap chat filter.

7)  Actually. Francois Hougaard’s snapchat.

8) Actually. Snap chat all together.

9) Grande Capps from Seattle coffee co .

10) In the morning, driving to work, about 2kms from the total garage on the N 14 to Pta there’s this open veld that gets caressed by the sun. It’s beautiful.

11) My sight.

12) Musical theatre.

13) Glitter.

14) My parents.

15) The Zombie apocalypse fantasy.

16) Thankful for supportive parents.

17) Today I’m PROUD AND grateful to our government for banning Stephen Anderson from coming to SA.

18) Water.

19) lady gaga .

20) Grace.

21) Aussibum underwear– I always feel so sexy wearing them.

22) True friends.

23) My family.

24) Wacky Wednesday’s at Steers .

1-fullscreen-capture-20161001-123841-pm

25) Jazz dance.

27) My new lil apartment.

28) Horror films.

29) Bread- all bread.

30) Plain Greek yoghurt with honey.

Creatively yours,

Weslee

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Woman Warriors

melissa-nieuwoudt
Baby girl bliss unborn
Your life a waiting-
growing delight within
soon discovering life outside
your current
Young girl happy
Your life a picturesque blue sky
tall trees evergreen
flowers that grow
a season streaked with color
color of light
Everyday a painted sunset
sunrise emotions
beating beautiful flashbacks
of a time you once fell in love
Travelling sailboats
for miles
following a compass of hope
no direction
lead by faith
to see where it takes you
Teenage princess hopeless
Your life a burning flame
reflection of heart
in cold times
a peace you once knew well
now only a thought to unsleeping demons
Young lady confused
Your life a New York City
buildings standing tall
statues with eyes
a busy focus-
Sleepless city
turns you into a sleepless human being
your head a highway-
unstop traffic and rush
Single beauty desperate
Your life a forest
center of undiscovered secrets
chirping birds and wedding bells for everyone else
harmless deer, over-sized moose
on the loose, camouflaged
unfound and hidden
Hard working mother divorced
Your life a blackish dark path
no escape visible
walls after walls blackened
one after the other-
Chains of depression
Life a rain cloud of pain
Tears waiting to rain down
to fall an end
Well-lived granny wise
Your life a frame
thoughts and prove of all the above
framed picture that will sell
framed picture that will tell
framed picture many knows well
framed picture of value and truth
Paint and brush= pure art!
Art of being human and understood
Art of being sold short and dealing with failure
Art of being accepted and to forgive
Art of being discovered and loved
Art of being loyal and to remain faithful
Art of being rejected and remaining strong
Art of being a woman, a survivor
Art of going through hell and back
Art of being called a warrior!
Art:
words to a poet
beat to a musician
dream to a dreamer
words and untouched hearts
beat untouched melodies
a dream in all we failed in
however long for
art from a woman to warrior

Written by Melissa Nieuwoudt

What are you, but my very own? I love you!

Long before I even had big teeth or school shoes, I knew and felt deep down in my heart that all I wanted was to one day be a real mommy, and a nurse (because my mommy had been a nurse before she got me, and I was so in love with the beautiful freckled nurse on the photo). My little scraggly passed-down rag-doll was a pathetic looking dirty lifeless little child who could do just as well without me. Who could love something that couldn’t even talk or play or cry or fall asleep at my lullabies or bleed or ask why or swallow my mud-pies? 

I knew I wouldn’t be a daddy, because daddies were big and strong and had enormous warm laps and huge powerful hands and feet and voices. I was much too skinny to be able to grow that much and my voice was squeaky and soft. Anyway, my brothers’ wouldn’t even allow me to play with their dinky toys, so why would I be allowed to drive a big car or a truck. And daddies had short hair, and I could sit on mine.

When Robert from the co-op gave me my first kiss in our tree-house during my 6thbirthday party, I thought he would of course be the daddy when I became mommy. I remember swallowing a sixpence at that same party, but it was coughingly wrenched out of me. I still can’t keep money for long. Then we moved away to a faraway farm and Robert must have become some other mommy’s daddy. I suppose my wannabemother cravings were satisfied to some extent on the farm, with lots of little “hanslammertjies” needing to be bottle-fed, and a younger sister and brother to take care of. 

I was always willing and able to clean grazes on knees and dress bloody wounds (and wipe snotty noses). When my little brother landed under the wheels of Dad’s car while he was reversing, I actually stood my ground and didn’t run away. Thankfully, the injury was not too serious, but I realized that my nursing instincts were still strong.

At the age of 12 and a quarter, with an A-class pass into “high” school, off to boarding school I went. But not before being told the facts of life by Mom. Lo and behold, what a shock to my system that was. Please keep in mind that this was almost half a century ago, and it was called the dark ages because children (in our family anyway) were kept completely in the dark about anything and everything to do with anatomy. 

For the first time I found out that I had reproductive organs, along with allot of other outrageous information. My brother hadn’t come out of a toffee? This newly acquired knowledge scared the motherly instincts right out of me for quite a number of years.

Five years later, when matriculating at the age of 17, I handed my already completed application forms for nursing college to Dad to sign. (I was too young to be accepted without his consent). No, said Dad, I will not sign this. You are far too sensitive and get too involved emotionally. You will not become a nurse. Finished and klaar, that was that. My dream had been shattered. I did not speak to him for months, and refused to look for another career. 

Eventually Dad persuaded me to go for an interview to see if I had the ability to become a “tracer”. Needless to say, Dad knew me well and was absolutely right about the nurse thing, and I have loved my job. 

Tracer became Draughtswoman, became Cad Operator, become Technical Assistant, and now I am a highly skilled much sought-after one of a kind semi-retired Cad Technician, and the only person in my company proficient in both ‘Caddie’ and ‘Micro-Station’.

Let’s go back a few years again, to my first year working. My nursing dream had been shattered and I was plodding along with nothing exciting happening in my life. The YWCA was now my home as my family had moved to another town. After living an extremely protected life, I was on my own. Then everything changed. 

On a Thursday lunch blind date, I met this wonderful bare-footed handsome gentleman and we have been together ever since. 46 years and counting. Love at first sight it was, for both of us. Friday night we went to the movies (all dressed up in those days). Saturday morning he took me to meet his parents. Off to the theatre in the evening (even more dressed up – pink lurex mini dress for me, suit for him). I stood in a puddle of mud with my silver shoes, and he took his snow-white handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the mud off. Sunday – a marriage proposal and a resounding yes. It was love at its best (and it’s worst).

My motherly feelings returned with an uncontrollable bang (hehehaha). Morning sickness, sore boobs, tears, happiness, fear, anxiety, whispering, shame and disgrace on the family (this was the dark ages remember), excitement, kitchen tea, wedding, honeymoon in Durbs, stork tea, prenatal classes, thinking that all the glasses we got as wedding gifts would last us for the rest of our lives, buying second-hand furniture, moving into our own place, etc etc. It was such a rollercoaster ride. And I was only a very young 18 years old. (My man was a more grown-up 24 year old). Thank you my Love of my life, for EVERYTHING!

But boy oh boy, was I ready to be a mommy. Isn’t this what I knew I was born to be? My love for my unborn child grew with my belly……

To all 3 my beautiful children:

Before I knew you, I already loved you. As I felt your life in me growing, I was filled with absolute knowing. During your birth and through the pain, my joy and elation I couldn’t contain. And as your life continued to unfold, precious memories in my heart I still tightly hold. The feeling of your warm little fingers entwined in mine, still somehow miraculously lingers. You were and are part of me, and will remain so for eternity.

I was there for all your feeds, and to fulfill all your needs. I happily changed and rinsed all your crappy nappies. (No disposables in those days). I stayed up nights wiping feverish brows, and cleaning up vomit. I sewed and mended your clothes, and I fetched and carried and taxied. I dropped you off at school and fetched you again in the afternoon. You only knew that I had a job because I told you so. I was at every event – sport, boys brigade, brownies, ballet, PTA meetings, birthday parties, hospital visits etc etc. I was always there for you. I always made time for you; my life revolved around yours. And I loved every single minute of being your mother (still do actually). This was what I had wanted since before I had teeth, remember! I was in the process of fulfilling my role in life. No pathetic looking dirty lifeless little rag-doll, but a real child to play and be with. And this child returned and responded to my love. Oh what immeasurable joy! 

I must say that it was during your growing up years that I realized that I was not a nurse at heart. I wanted to cry and run away every time one of my beloved children got hurt or bled or had an operation. (Tried hard to hide this though)

I always tried to be fair. I always tried to understand. I always brought you before God every single day, as I still do to this day. I also know that I made plenty of mistakes. I have luckily forgotten most of them, and hope you have too. I am truly sorry if I did or said anything that left a lasting negative effect on you.

I know that in the last years I have not always been all that pleasant to be around. It is not easy to carry on with everything regardless of constant pain and exhaustion. I want you to know that I love your father beyond measure and because I feel so secure in his love for me, I have unfortunately taken out all my frustrations on him. I am in the process of making it up to him.

Just want you to know that all 3 of you make me so proud (make US so proud). You have grown up to be really special human-beings. I am crying now – tears of joy and sadness all mixed up together. I have felt all your highs and lows with you – how can I not, as I am part of you! And here we are and we are all fine and honky-dory.

Perhaps after reading this, you will understand why it sometimes feels so natural and normal to be giving advice to you as adults, or even telling you what to do or not to do. Please forgive me for this. I have been doing it my whole life, and sometimes I just slip into that role, even though I know you are quite capable of making your own decisions. 

You know when you should shave or brush your hair or sleep enough or eat well or not drink and drive or swear etc etc. I always have your interests at heart, and remember that I probably know you better than anyone else. (Our personalities basically remain the same, even when we are all grown up). I will do my best to only give advice when it is undoubtedly called for or asked for by you. I am always here!

It is a privilege to have you in my life……THANK YOU for fulfilling my dream in such a perfect wonderful, warm, living way. 

Tjaart, THANK YOU from the very depths of my soul, without you none of this would have been possible!

Mother Mary

Eu sou grato,  José 

​30 Things I am thankful for!!!

1) I am thankful for all of the people around me (Friends, Family, The girl I will marry one day)

2) I am thankful for every opportunity that I have been given in life.

3) I am thankful for making every mistake I have made and learning from them.

4) I am thankful for my amazing  girlfriend, that loves me for who I am.

5) I am thankful for every person that has ever helped me through tough times.

6) I am thankful for the way my parents have brought me up to be who I am today.

7) I am thankful for having a house to live in and food on my table every night.

8) I am thankful for Having all of the amazing things I have ( EG: Car, Bike)

9) I am thankful for having a job.

10) I am thankful for all the help people have provided for me in the last few years .

11) I am Thankful for  being able to have had experiences in life and to be able to distinguish between right and wrong.

12) I am thankful for  meeting new people, getting to know other things and being able to learn more and more very day.

13) I am thankful for every moment spent with my loved ones.

14) I am thankful for  music.

15) I am thankful for passing school.

16) I am thankful for the life I live.

17) I am thankful for the people that have never given up on me.

18) I am thankful for nature.

19) I am thankful for being able to say I have made I this far.

20) I am thankful to have people be there and listen and understand when I am down and out.

21) I am thankful for all the little things in life.

22) I am thankful to have been able to travel to see different things and have a better understanding on how everything works.

23) I am thankful to see life from a different aspect to everyone else.

24) I am thankful to have been blessed with people who share the same goals as I do, as they motivate me to do better.

25) I am thankful for each second/minute/hour I get to spend with my amazing Tayla- Jade.

26) I am thankful for my dad teaching me how to be a man/gentleman.

27) I am thankful for my family giving me the opportunity and loving me unconditionally .

28) I will be thankful for my own family one day.

29) I will be thankful for my wife one day.

30) I am thankful for the life I live.

Twitter: @jhilario22

Instagram:

Happy Anniversary to my Parents.

​I am thinking of two beautiful humans, who are incredibly important to me. Two people who one day took me into their home and gigantic hearts.

Regardless of the fact that their DNA does not run through my veins, or that I do not have any of their eyes, or shared childhood memories, I became their dogter, I am one of their own.

When I needed a bed, clothes, food, career advice, a shoulder to cry on, a giggle or uncontrollable laughter, a push in the right direction, knowledge or just that look of I love you dearly dogter, they have done and still do their best to be incredible parents.

Mom & Dad, even when I am silent or not around, you are always in my heart, always on mind, always with me in some way.

They say a day without gratitude is a day wasted, so I would like two of you to know that I am grateful for you, always.

Thank you for being the incredible mom and dad that you are.

Thank you for being my peoples, for being in my heart and for having souls that vibe with my soul.

I miss the two of you, dearly and I am sorry that I am not around often.

I love the two you unconditionally, forever and always.

http://www.twitter.com/kylajeanv

Kyla