Lee.

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

My chest feels heavy and every now and then I feel myself gasping for air. There is a lump in my throat as a cry wants to escape. A wetness in the corner of my eyes. Breathe.

I miss my Liam. Writing the words, the wetness escapes my eyes and I feel the tears running down my face.

It has been a month since my boy left for England, yet it feels much longer. It is painful. I feel a desperation I don’t know how to describe.

Every smidge of news I absorb. Every picture shared I save and print it into my memory. I don’t want to miss a thing.

I don’t want him to feel sad. I want him to see things, do things I’ve never done. Go places. Laugh. Be you. Touch the world as only you can.

My Liam James is doing just dandy over the sea. It is only me who is not. There is this hole, this empty space in my life where Lee fits in that I don’t know how to fill.

Does it get better?

I wish you enough,
Liam’s Mom.

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The girl I never knew I needed. Happy 18th birthday Queen Victoria. 

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,  

As far as I was concerned, I was about to welcome baby Elijah into the world and like his brothers, he was going to love football #YNWA, riding scooters and generally misbehaving with ample corner time!

The most precious little chicken ever born our Victoria is. 

On your 18th birthday I’d like to share a few thoughts with you. 

  • Live a life where you can face yourself at 3am. 
  • Accept your flaws without punishing yourself. 
  • Commit to challenging yourself to live your best life. Add a hashtag if you must. 
  • Trust your own sense of inner peace, it usually delivers. 
  • Love abundantly. 
  • Forgive. Grudges are heavy to carry. 
  • Believe people when they show you who they are. 
  • Be independent. Regardless of the details of your life.
  • Define your own path. Do not accept anyone else’s version of how you should live your life. 
  • It is okay not to know the answer. 
  • Embrace vulnerability. To be vulnerable is to be alive. 
  • Read. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Never point. 
  • Do nice things for others for no reason. 
  • Keep your brothers close. 
  • Phone your parents. 
  • Believe. 
  • You are everything, and then some. 

I love you more than all the beachsand in all the world. Happy, happy birthday Tori. 

I wish you enough 

Momma

A Daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best FRIEND.

I winked and you were gone.

Dear Kev, Liam James and Victoria,

I miss you tonight with a pain so intense in my chest, it makes breathing difficult. Tears burns my eyes silently.

Remember when we were all we had?

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Burning marshmallows over a candle on the bedroom floor because I was a “cool” mom like that? I always wanted to be a Mom.

All four of us sleeping in the same room because we didn’t feel safe? Kev doing us all a favour really…

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Fighting to get Liam James to put his socks on for school…or get out of bed … or brush his teeth … and “I’m sorry” letters late at night that made me cry.

Walking into the house and smell Kev made dinner. Never had any working mother given bigger thanks than I. Thanks my boy.

Victoria and her pet snails, chatting to the kids next door through a wire gate, and always wanting a story, which I most often felt too exhausted to read.

I’m sorry I stopped baking cookies from scratch. I was sad. I’m sorry I could not keep every drawing you ever made, although I wanted to. I’m sorry all three of you know how to deal with a person having a panic attack. I’m sorry I wasn’t more fun and I wish I didn’t take growing you so seriously… I worried a lot. We did laugh plenty at weird stuff nobody seemed to get. We still do.

To be honest, it was the worst of times inside my heart. I congratulated myself when we got through another day – fed, clothed, home work done, most school uniforms located.

I felt thankful that you all pretended to be so strong when I clearly wasn’t. I’m sorry I had no sense of humour when Lee changed lunches around as it pleased him. We were late dammit Liam!

You inspired me to always try again tomorrow. I always felt I could try be better tomorrow. You always loved me enough to give me hope. I was always saying sorry. Until this day, you say “it’s okay”. Thank you for new mercies every day.

Now? I regret I didn’t read you more stories. I wish you didn’t have to grow up. I regret we didn’t swim more together, although none of us could afford to pay Kev to get in the pool! I wish for a million more nights of bedtime to tuck you in.

Every night I wonder where you are, if you are okay, if I gave you enough skills to live life. All grown up, living life and stuff.

Almost 23h00. Soon I shall take my evening medication and chemicals will thankfully take over until morning.

Sometimes I don’t want to think. Coward I am.

I love you more …. and I’m sorry for my many mistakes. You deserved better.

I wish you enough,

The girl who happened to be called Mom by the #originalcast

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You’ll Never Walk Alone

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

My first real, solid true love…. The very first anything I felt was MINE.

He never gives up on me. He will fight for me and he will fight with me. He will care for me … while sighing a lot. 🙂 He will drink vodka with me. He will play guitar and sing for me.

Continue reading “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

For the good times

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,
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This reminded me of beautiful you,  Victoria . My youngest biological child.

The way you use to look at me with wonder when you were little.

I told you if they could one man on the moon, why couldn’t they put all of them there?  🙂 

You seemed to think I knew answers.

I love you chicken little.

I’m sorry for the bad times,  let’s raise a cup of tea to the good times. #theoriginalcast

I wish for you never to be afraid of depth.

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Momma xxx

Posted from the galaxy of Samsung from the second cloud on your left.