And all that’s best of dark and bright. 

My dear Tim,

I was asked who you were to me this week. For the first time in 18 years, I managed to explain your accidental death and our relationship in only a few lines. I spoke with clarity, tenderness, and honesty.

My Tim

Thank you for always seeing me… in an ocean of people. You said it was impossible not to. You would be surprised.

I’m sorry for the decision I made for you. Forgive me. A Swan on water.

No more regrets Timmy.
Wench x

PS. I recall the day you recited this to me. It took me by surprise.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent. 

–  Lord Byron

Embrace the journey.

I hear him open the front door and admit feeling a small excitement. It is 21h33. He has worked another 12 hour day.

It feels like the long walk to freedom as he climbs the stairs to our bedroom. 

He walks in with a smile and we talk about our day. We both worked from our strengths today leaving us energised mentally, while we clearly exhausted physically.

He walks over and hugs me. I love that melting into a bear hug feeling. Out of nowhere he says, “I still love that photo of you. It is my favourite.” I smile.

It is a photo I gave him during the few short days leading up to our elopement.

1. I love how sentimental you are.

2. I love when you wink at me from across the room.

3. I admire your dedication to provide for our children and I financially to the best of your ability.

4. I think you are crazy screaming at the TV when the Cheetahs or Liverpool FC is playing, but it is very testosterone!

5. I think it is sweet when some innocent (usually gay friend!) man compliments me on social media and you respond with “He knows you are married right?” … or “Does he need reminding?”

6. I love that you like animated (kids) movies as much as I do. We never miss those pre-release invitations! 

7. Every night when I fall asleep with my phone or tablet on my face or chest, I imagine you shaking your head, putting it on my table and switching off the light.

8. It’s kinda fun when I think back to our first dance in your Mom’s lounge late one night. “Let’s do the time warp again!” 

9. Thank you for pretending that my ever growing library is not hording. 

10. I appreciate that you do the dishes on weekends and wipe every corner of the kitchen.

11. Your ability to see me as extraordinary amazes me. I seldom see what you see.

12. I overhear you telling someone of something I have done with such pride …when I wasn’t aware that you even knew I did it. So you do pay attention! 🙂

13. You will remind me of my gifts at times I want to strangle you. This may be a tactic to save yourself!

14. Apparently it’s weird that we phone each other from different parts of our apartment. I’m glad we find this normal.

15. I appreciate that you remind the kids to wish me a happy birthday or a happy mothers day. I hope one day they won’t need a nudge.

16. Being quite a conservative man, I’m still not sure why you married me…and I’m not the one that suggested we elope ! 

17. I love that you don’t complain about paying for proper perfume. Especially since we kinda chose it together by accident. “Angel” it is.

18. Love it when you cook rare steak with cream cheese. It makes me feel very spoiled because you make a mean steak.

19. Huge gratitude for your never ending support in my chasing my social media, blogging and book publication dreams. 

20. I do wish illness was not part of our package. It is horrible to lie and say “I’m fine!” when I’m not. Thank you for knowing the difference.

21. I think it is very funny that you flush the toilet before you use it. Are you even aware of this habit? 🙂 

22. I adore all your purple shirts and that you specifically will look for a purple one. 

23. It is hilarious how genuinely confused you look when I once again swap the furniture around.

24. Thank you for laughter when I do something silly for the hundredth time….like burning myself every bloody time I cook anything. Memory nor precision being a talent of mine.

25. I still hate the colour of your car. I’ve tried…. but the next car, I’m choosing the colour bad boy!

26. I wonder what will happen to the gifts I give you that you refuse to eat because they sentimental… as I look at the chocolate cow I bought you three years ago teasing you for playing “HayDay”.

27. Sometimes you drive me around the bend. Good thing I always wanted to travel. (Thank you Shirley Valentine)

28. The massage oil you used last time, is next to my bed. Feel free to use it again. 

29. I love that you and Victoria have a pet name for each other. It is very endearing.

30. I love it when we walk to the Mall, holding hands and pretend we don’t see rain clouds. 

….finally in closing, having written for every day of August…

31. Thank you for your generosity in acknowledging what drives me to do the things I do, which makes me love you more!

 Hope Believe Dream

Wenchy

Comma

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

You were my first love as a little  girl. Waiting for you to come home from the Airforce. 

A R5 tucked into my hand when nobody looked. The first man to buy me perfume.  A comfort after my father died. 

Continue reading “Comma”

42 you said?

Dear friends, family and other interesting creatures,

Some bonds cannot be broken. Not even in death.

It may be 17 years since Tim died, but I had a very real sense of him yesterday. I could not understand why he lingered yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Usually I am able to pin point an emotional from him, a smile, a look in his eye – yesterday I just felt him here.

He always visits, sitting on the right hand side of the bed, regardless of venue. Before he died, we had never even been in a bedroom together before.

Seeing Tim isn’t scary or creepy. It can be both comforting and heart breaking. Sometimes I smile, other times I feel renewed grief.

I am not big on “speaking to the dead”, or “crossing over”. I’m merely relating that somehow Tim keeps contact. Often followed up the next day or two in a quote or a song, an item that was of value only to us.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?

I wish you enough,
Wenchy

The Nocturnal Wenchy

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Dear Tim,

I’ve told you before. The thing with death is, I have no new pictures of you. So I had to improvise a little.

As I have been preparing for my Grahamstown festival trip next month, I could not help but think of you. Do you remember?

You were in school uniform. Matric blazer. I was sitting on the steps of the church on the square in Grahamstown. I went to a private school so no uniform. I remember I was wearing a very stretched out purple jersey and brown leather shoes I had bought at the festival.

(Remains the most expensive shoes I’ve ever owned. Haha! I would much rather buy books. I had no idea at the time how much purple was still to follow.)

The sun was setting.

You came and sat next to me. I had never seen you before. You sat, silently. I remember…

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The first time ever I saw your face.

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My darling chicken little,

I miss you tremendously this morning. A sore that runs from my heart to my hands looking for yours and ending in a tear.

♡ #SmileBeautiful.. That is what you taught me. You need to © that shit.

♡ Be kind,  you never know which chapter of their book another person is on. Especially a teenager person…. or an old and frail person like me.  (Stop laughing!)

♡  Go give a random Grade 8 a hug today.

♡ You are funny,  without trying!

♡ You are perfect,  just as you are. (OK,  I’m sorry about that small hereditary illness, but hey… I didn’t choose it either!)

♡  You are an artist in so many ways. It comes with the freedom of never having the explain yourself.  Don’t.

♡ Some people will never get you. That’s OK. You were never meant to be a “one size fits all”.

♡ When I die,  you will inherit all my books. Remember this is not a valuable reason to kill me now!

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I wish you enough unicorns,  fairy dust and empathy to keep you real,  enough rainbows to keep you wishing but mostly enough magic to keep you sparkle.

The flawed Momma xxx

Posted to WordPress from the Galaxy of Samsung from the second cloud on your left.

Ever made a @MixtapeSA ? @TheatreOnSquare @RichSimmondsZA @WilhelmNiekerk

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

We were listening to VH1 tonight and Chris Isaacs came on in the background … and my soul transcended to almost 20 years ago when my boy Tim asked me if I liked the song…. What a wicked game… (We met at work and were seated opposite each other. I had a clock radio on my desk and the song had come on). Music really has the power to take you to visit all kinds of places, if you like to travel or not.

At the opening night of #MixTape at @TheatreOnSquare we took a trip down memory lane… No overnight bag packed for the journey.

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It tells the story of how friendship transcends all barriers,  regrets about what we feel, but never own… and the music that took us there.

@TheatreOnSquare has really had the best productions to choose from the past few months… telling Alison Botha’s story to Bash that reminded you of how dark a soul can be to celebrating friendship, acceptance and music…. Taking you on a very touching nostalgic trip, from your youth, to the moment you got out your car before the show and the radio turned off.
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I was absolutely amazed at how the audience felt drawn in… singing along and tapping feet… to tear stained cheeks when the lights came on.

I sat next to @RichSimmondsZA and my BFF, @WilhelmNiekerk and all three of us was in tears. For a moment, even I felt I wasn’t the only sentimental fool.

If you have ever made or received a mix tape, lost or gained a friend, loved without words.. or had music pick you up and drop you in a song, you will LOVE #MixTape.  I strongly encourage you to book at once. It is beautiful. Kind. A PLAY in soft focus.

Music was my first love. That was my boy Tim’s favourite song btw. He has been dead 15 years and sometimes he still sits with me in comfortable silence.

… and here I go again on my own.

I wish you enough,
Wenchy

Things I Love & Things I Hate

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Following in Laura ‘s footsteps.

Things I Love:

* Unexpected hugs and kisses.
* Weekends away.
* Going to the theatre.
* Good quality white chocolate.
* Seeing my kids.
* The way a baby holds your finger.
* Water.
* Pedicures.
* Caprese pizza from Del Forno.
* Butro
* Tattoos

Things I Hate:

* Talking on the phone.
* Not having enough money.
* Physical pain.
* Washing dishes.
* Well done steak.
* When my nails are not proper.
* Parking in tiny spaces.
* Loneliness.
* Clothes shopping with teenagers.
* My stomach.
* Asparagus.

I wish you enough cheesecake,  ice cream and good hugs.

Wenchy

Posted from the second cloud on your left.

Touch

My hand on my husband's chest

My hand on my husband’s chest

I do believe that without human touch, even a hug, we die a little… Touch can be just as good for the soul as bread is for hunger.

His body is my wonderland. 🙂 Grey chest hair is so sexy and bear hugs in big arms … safety to the found.

Posted by Wenchy♥ from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.

We love because it’s the only true adventure.

Break ups are hard. Torture. Soul destroying. Seldom does anyone ask, “So why you together?” but plenty are lightning fast to ask “So what happened? Why did you break up?”

I never liked him anyway…. You can do better than her … Never thought you should have taken on the responsibility of her kids anyway… Hates how he speaks to the children….. yes, if somebody couldn’t choose to be positive, you can’t make them….there is life after him….you are so much better off without her….now you can spend quality time with your children….it’s probably for the best….you will be fine…

You lived, you loved, you trusted, you believed, you share your soul – and then the darkness comes and shatters all illusions. We lash out in ways demons would be proud. Hell rejoices at your anger. We want to feel vindicated and set free, not wanting to own our part of the wrong.

 Disappointment, bewilderment, hurt, pain, disbelief and you are left questioning your core being. Where did it all go so wrong? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? You sit in the shade as night falls on the floor…. and you cry. Not tears, deep to the core sobs filled with longing and regret. Why? Just why do you physically ache if a heart is an organ and there is no ‘undo‘?

Survival kicks in. You do what is necessary but you are not sure why because morning has no glory. You beg, borrow and short of stealing you do your best to provide for those that depend on you. You don’t trust your true self to anyone because the raw emotion may just push them away, and you… the edge is a thin line moist with an easier way out. So many mistakes, so much to overcome – is it even possible?

You pretend and smile saying how fresh starts all round is truly spring time for the soul. Fragile liar you are as you cry for what had been your joy.

Somewhere between broken and sunlight we found each other weeks later over tears, apologies, dissecting how we got in a deep black hole in the first place, how one can prevent such destruction and healing deep words.

The reasons are assumed by most, the truth known by few but hugely judged by many. The pebble in their own shoes lost for a moment as everyone’s gets to point, laugh, declaring a reconciliation a mistake withholding their congratulations …. and causing friendships to be questioned and others gratefully confirmed. Some celebrate that maybe, just maybe, love does conquer all and proclaims applause for bravery and a life lived to the full… most probably fearful for future pain…. but what are we if not vulnerable to live life?

Just perhaps the human spirit is stronger in fighting for life, than lying down to die… or lead a little life of safety. Maybe – regardless of the huge prices there are to pay in hard cash, in tender emotion or relationships that require healing for months to come, the massive life lessons learned and the deep regret that the darkness came at all.

He took me somewhere only we know. The hills were alive with his tears and mine. Heartfelt vows as the sun set on a beautiful day. No more Sunday, bloody Sunday.

There were no ‘till death us do part’ in the vows we wrote ourselves. God has a sense of humour but I don’t always like being the jester. My husband organized the wedding, the venue, the Minister, the chapel with as little religious overtone as possible, the helicopter pilot, my dress, a gift for me in our room with champagne and engraved glasses, perfect weather and kisses I will never forget. There were cupcakes and sparkles to drink, bubbles we blew in the air and laughter mixed with tears.

It will always be – somewhere, only we know.

Why are we together? I love him. He loves me. It is as simple and as complicated as that. Nobody else needs to understand it, like it or give approval. It is what it is…. We are excited as we go into tomorrow, dreaming of our children’s laughter and our delight that we dared the go big… and not go home.

Our words as we exchanged rings:

“With this ring, I give you my promise

that from this day forward, you shall not walk alone.

May my heart be your shelter

And my arms be your home.”

 

L’Chaim – to life.

 Pictures of our daring adventure