“And In That Moment I Swear We Were Infinite” 

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Ouma’s room felt calm with soft light… she looked worse and better then I imagined – making no sense at all I am. She is nothing like the woman she use to be, but when I lay down beside her, she took my face in her hands and I felt like heaven had just touched me.

It was the most incredible soft, lingering, tender, loving feeling of adoration that came from her. Sweeping movement of her soft hand on my hair… such comfort I have not felt. She is the one dying and yet I felt she was giving to me… I was enough. I WAS ENOUGH!!

She spoke every now and again a few audible sentences… she said she is happy with the life she has had, that she loves me, that I am a ‘dierbare kind’… she told Noid that she raised me from the time I was one month old… that she was so happy when I was born that she cried for weeks… she said I was her first grandchild and her favourite, she told me over and over again how happy she is to see me, she asked if I was happy with Noid and if we will get married.. she asked me if he will look after me.. she specifically asked to see Kevin.. my heart was sore for him because him and I did this together not so long ago with Oupa…. She said she is so glad that I came, she loves me.. I said I love her and thank you for everything and and and ….and all the while I didn’t want her to stop touching me.  It was the most tender and intense love I have felt in a very long time – as in overwhelming complete peace and contentment – healing. I wanted to drink it in and have it run smoothly inside my body, fill me up with tenderness and love. It was beautiful.

I never want to forget how I felt. Ever.

It does not matter to me what is physically wrong with my gran. I don’t mind her dying because I saw her LIVE.  I don’t know if she will be with us for a few more hours, days or weeks… I feel content in knowing that she loves me and that I love her and that’s enough. I will miss her so much, but I am so glad she was my Ouma Chrissie… and the person who I slept next to, holding her hand for the first eleven years of my life.

When we got home, I lay in the darkness. Craving the silence, seeking that contentment, I climbed under the dovet in an effort to feel more ‘protected’ – snug – a hug almost .. . I closed my eyes and pretended the fan was raindrops and that I could almost smell the cinnamon from the pancakes.

As the wind blew the curtain, I hoped there was a life after this one… one in which Ouma will find Oupa waiting and they will once again walk hand in hand as they did for 57 years.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” – Unknown

Written 11 Feb 2009… Ouma died on the 7th of March 2009, and was buried on this day, 14 March 2009.

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

♡ “And In That Moment I Swear We Were Infinite” is a memorable quote from the 1999 coming-of-age novel “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. It is one of my favourite books ever.♡

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The River 

The summers were sweltering. Walking towards a braai fire to greet you, I remember the extra warmth of the fire clearly. I remember your smile and the true happiness as we said hello.

You had clearly already started the Merry part of Christmas. I expected nothing less. You always were more of a bottle than a glass kind of guy. The Vaal river was running strong behind the trees and it soothed our souls. 

I hear the laughter coming from the kitchen. Hands clapping. My face exploding in a smile as I enter the house and I know I had been spotted. Hugs so pure and with such delight that it had the power to raise the dead. 

All was well in the world.

Even if contact was broken over long periods of time, I always knew you loved me, as I loved you. It was a rare connection. 

I think of you and the river, with a hole in my heart, a tear in my eye and a smile playing on my lips as I close my eyes. I’m a “monkey’s wedding”. Raining with sunshine.

Since you left this earth earlier this year, I’ve been more aware of you. Somehow you are closer. I’ve told nobody for the fear of sounding more absurd than usual. Maybe I needed the shoulder to lean on. Thank you for lingering.

Even though we both know you were not an angel, I felt safe knowing you are in my world. The landscape is forever changed.

I know now that the river had nothing to do with soothing our souls. It was the people that surrounded us with their love, acceptance and our sense of belonging. The laughter, catching fish and swimming with frogs is gone. Those hugs that could raise the dead, has died. 

Just as we were, in that moment, we were enough.
Stel x

PS. “Jy weet mos”. 

Objectifying men since birth… Weslee Swain Lauder

“Spieëltjie, spieëltjie aan die wand, wie is die mooiste in die land?”

1) Facebook memories every morning.

2) Nakhane Toure‘s music.

3) Salticrax @Bakers_Biscuits – red onion flav.

4) Sunshine.

5) Gautrain– taking the edge off driving.

6) The golden butterfly snap chat filter.

7)  Actually. Francois Hougaard’s snapchat.

8) Actually. Snap chat all together.

9) Grande Capps from Seattle coffee co .

10) In the morning, driving to work, about 2kms from the total garage on the N 14 to Pta there’s this open veld that gets caressed by the sun. It’s beautiful.

11) My sight.

12) Musical theatre.

13) Glitter.

14) My parents.

15) The Zombie apocalypse fantasy.

16) Thankful for supportive parents.

17) Today I’m PROUD AND grateful to our government for banning Stephen Anderson from coming to SA.

18) Water.

19) lady gaga .

20) Grace.

21) Aussibum underwear– I always feel so sexy wearing them.

22) True friends.

23) My family.

24) Wacky Wednesday’s at Steers .

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25) Jazz dance.

27) My new lil apartment.

28) Horror films.

29) Bread- all bread.

30) Plain Greek yoghurt with honey.

Creatively yours,

Weslee

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Your black!

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Today, I have a heavy heart, I miss my kids. Maybe empty nest moms know the ache that won’t leave your heart and that no chocolate can fill.

I saw this picture and this memory ran over my mind.

racists

When Liam was in pre-school he had an Indian friend, called Shaheen. One weekend Shaheen came to sleep over. I was a stay at home mom around then with Victoria was a baby, Liam aged 3 and Kevin aged 6.

I was utterly exhausted and eventually thought lets just get these two out the way for a few minutes and send Liam and Shaheen to bath. I did the bubbles, the duckies  – I was actually a very proper mom….. back then I thought I sucked next to all the moms I thought had it all sorted you know.

Anyhow, two dirty kids in the bath I hear Liam say to Shaheen… “Shaheen, your black!” … I had a small giggle. I mean had Liam not realised before that Shaheen and him did not share the same complexion? Shabeen fired back with “Liam! I am not black. I am brown!!!“.. Didn’t take Liam two minutes! “Shaheen your brown!!” 🙂

I have screwed up many times as a parent and lately I wish I could do it all from scratch with everything I know now,… but that’s not life now is it?

I wish you enough,

Wenchy