“Is there no way out of the mind?” ― Sylvia Plath

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Some say (flashback: The Stig) one does not admit to these subjects in public. What if your clients suddenly believe you are incompetent? What if people think less of you? If that is so,  it is their ignorance and not my inability to be real.


Anyone who regularly reads my blog knows that I deal with excessive anxiety on a daily basis. It never goes away.  It dulls at times,  but it never truly leaves.

I’ve been on and off meds since I was 14 when diagnosed. Nothing you can tell me about the condition,  it’s treatment or the influence it has on your daily life.

I am really battling at the moment.  I wake up with my skin crawling and I go to bed feeling like my breathing is constricted.

Nothing has to happen for this feeling to be heightened. It is not based on events.  It is almost my default emotion.  It isn’t fun.  It doesn’t make me unique or special or dysfunctional.  It simply is.

Everything I have achieved in my life was with this feeling present.  Every failure in my life happened with this emotion present.

I don’t really know a different baseline. Medication takes the edge off (for which we are truly thankful), talking, writing,  accepting yourself as you are,  it all helps.

In myself, my demons and I play.  My husband loves me,  my kids are good,  I am provided for,  I am steadily getting to do what I’ve wanted to do all my life, write. 2018 shows amazing promise.

I want to encourage others not to always believe everything you think,  to ask for help if you need it and to be true to yourself.

Your self-worth is not determined by others opinion of you.

I wish you enough,


I have bipolar. I am not bipolar. @TheSADAG

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,


It is a well known fact,  and the punchline of many jokes and silly conversations behind my back that I do have bipolar disorder. I feel pity for ignorance.

I was diagnosed at 14 with manic depression and over the years the medical feternity came up with a new word to scare the crap out of people. Bipolar! Bring the holy water!

I want the stigma removed and by being open about it,  I know from the emails I receive, that it helps others come to terms with mental illness.  Climbing and admitting there is a mountain obscuring your positive view, is brave and courageous,  not mental asylum potential.

Nobody looks the least bit shocked or horrified when I say I am also diagnosed with Ankolysing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia. 

It seems your bones fusing and your soft tissue cells attacking each other is just dandy…. Just please don’t add mental,  then you are kinda whack job material and people fear what they don’t understand.

This has been a difficult bipolar riding on my unicorn kinda week.  I take my meds religiously but it is no guarantee for a free ride.  Oh hell no! That would be way tooooo easy.

I have rapidly cycled this week.  Quick ups and downs. 

The ups are unbelievable.  Your brain is 100% in overdrive and your thoughts are clear,  quick to the point and you kick productivity in overdrive.  You are bullet proof.  It is my favourite stage as it is with most bipolar patients. Powerful. It is to be alive with all your senses firing on all cylinders.

The downs are dark and you get there fast.  Stay in bed,  head under duvet kinda dark. Not eating.  Not talking.  Silent.  Sometimes tearful,  other times howling at the moon crying or plainly feeling numb to the world at large.  It is horrible.  Yet to meet one of my kind who likes this phase,  however if you chanel that pain,  by far the most creative.  You write deeply.  Real. You reach people. Those that draw produces unbelievable pieces of art.  Music is raw.  Acoustic.  Deep.  Breathtaking.

It is documented that many creative creatures are bipolar.  I am drawn to the arts like the smell of fresh kitka to a Jew on Fridays (that includes me).  I become alive and the bravery,  vulnerability and generous giving of a performer fills me like a sponge.  I cry at many performances for it touches an open raw wound. It is a beautiful mind.

My husband,  @SirNoid (Who comes from the school of thought that you must just decide to feel better and you are better.  Positive thoughts I believe in…. but good luck with curing cancer! ) has been incredibly supportive  during this past week,  not knowing who the hell he is going to wake up to tomorrow.  🙂  Hey  nothing like a bit of unpredictability in a marriage.

Bipolar is treatable to a large extend and can be managed.  Being suicidal is not like riding a unicorn at all. Get help brave heart.

I wish you enough wildflowers,