My head is a really busy place at the moment. Manic, but with panic. Not my favourite bi-polar feeling.
I was speaking to a fellow trader on Sunday about the illness as he was sharing about his brother having the illness. One day I hope my children will live in a world where having (not being!) bi-polar disorder is as every day as diabetes or high blood pressure.
Unless people speak up, it will always remain this closet dark illness, mentioned with shame and pity. None of that! So my brain is wired differently and some behaviours do not come naturally to me. So what? None of us, mere mortals are perfect. There is no superiority in being an asshole.
So, December has arrived…. Always filled with expectation from others around Christmas and New Year which I don’t enjoy. I do not celebrate Christmas in a religious way, but I know all the Boney M songs. I am plenty happy to be home on old years eve.
Besides that, I always eagerly await the new year so I can start again. My calendar is at the end, and I am eager to use my next pretty diary!
Next year is also the year I turn 40. I was such a cry baby when I turned 30. It was odd to be older than my father ever got to be. (He died shortly after his 30th birthday) I celebrated my birthday on Robben Island (my choice) and it was an awesome experience, especially when Kev (then 10) phoned me from a pay phone at school to wish me a happy birthday, quite unexpectedly. I still cry when I think of that moment. Seagulls overhead, wind in my hair, looking at the open seas and my boy on the phone.
I know I have not, and hope I never am, a conventional parent. This has probably not been favourable for my children if they wanted to just fly under the radar. Thankfully I never gave birth to wall flowers! However, I love my children with a depth that is indescribable. My actions and decisions regarding Kevin, Liam James and Victoria may be questionable to others, but I have always believed there is method in my madness – and when it is pure madness, I say “I am sorry. I made a mistake.” I am a human parent, a vulnerable parent – never perfect. Each one of them is linked to me in a different but special place. I hope they always know that.
I have decided to do a “Picture A Day” project from 13 December 2012 to 13 June 2013. The 6 month count down that I so sincerely hope will be a countdown to losing weight, gaining physical, emotional and psychological strength, direction and healing. Walk with me.
My Mom says I can make an occasion out of anything, well turning 40 is THE biggest birthday to me. That halve way mark that if you lucky, eventually have you reaching 70 and playing in injury time like Oupa Mike said till you die and go to Hallmark heaven or heavy metal hell.
I find my reflection in life heightened this time of year (poor Noid already says I over-analyse), so my annual tradition of my year end quiz should be my next post. 🙂 You are ever so welcome to copy it, but I have low self esteem, so please credit me when you post your answers since I drew it up years ago, and let me know! I would love to read yours. Thank you!
Until then, I wish you enough.
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