And all that’s best of dark and bright. 

My dear Tim,

I was asked who you were to me this week. For the first time in 18 years, I managed to explain your accidental death and our relationship in only a few lines. I spoke with clarity, tenderness, and honesty.

Thank you for always seeing me… in an ocean of people. You said it was impossible not to. You would be surprised.

I’m sorry for the decision I made for you. Forgive me. A Swan on water.

No more regrets Timmy.
Wench x

PS. I recall the day you recited this to me. It took me by surprise.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent. 

–  Lord Byron

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“And In That Moment I Swear We Were Infinite” 

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

Ouma’s room felt calm with soft light… she looked worse and better then I imagined – making no sense at all I am. She is nothing like the woman she use to be, but when I lay down beside her, she took my face in her hands and I felt like heaven had just touched me.

It was the most incredible soft, lingering, tender, loving feeling of adoration that came from her. Sweeping movement of her soft hand on my hair… such comfort I have not felt. She is the one dying and yet I felt she was giving to me… I was enough. I WAS ENOUGH!!

She spoke every now and again a few audible sentences… she said she is happy with the life she has had, that she loves me, that I am a ‘dierbare kind’… she told Noid that she raised me from the time I was one month old… that she was so happy when I was born that she cried for weeks… she said I was her first grandchild and her favourite, she told me over and over again how happy she is to see me, she asked if I was happy with Noid and if we will get married.. she asked me if he will look after me.. she specifically asked to see Kevin.. my heart was sore for him because him and I did this together not so long ago with Oupa…. She said she is so glad that I came, she loves me.. I said I love her and thank you for everything and and and ….and all the while I didn’t want her to stop touching me.  It was the most tender and intense love I have felt in a very long time – as in overwhelming complete peace and contentment – healing. I wanted to drink it in and have it run smoothly inside my body, fill me up with tenderness and love. It was beautiful.

I never want to forget how I felt. Ever.

It does not matter to me what is physically wrong with my gran. I don’t mind her dying because I saw her LIVE.  I don’t know if she will be with us for a few more hours, days or weeks… I feel content in knowing that she loves me and that I love her and that’s enough. I will miss her so much, but I am so glad she was my Ouma Chrissie… and the person who I slept next to, holding her hand for the first eleven years of my life.

When we got home, I lay in the darkness. Craving the silence, seeking that contentment, I climbed under the dovet in an effort to feel more ‘protected’ – snug – a hug almost .. . I closed my eyes and pretended the fan was raindrops and that I could almost smell the cinnamon from the pancakes.

As the wind blew the curtain, I hoped there was a life after this one… one in which Ouma will find Oupa waiting and they will once again walk hand in hand as they did for 57 years.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” – Unknown

Written 11 Feb 2009… Ouma died on the 7th of March 2009, and was buried on this day, 14 March 2009.

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

♡ “And In That Moment I Swear We Were Infinite” is a memorable quote from the 1999 coming-of-age novel “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. It is one of my favourite books ever.♡

… He believes in me, I don’t know what he sees in me …

… trespassing on a farm outside Clarens in August 2008. We parked our day old 4×4 on the highest, smallest ledge on a koppie, after playing in the stream.

Dear friends and other interesting creatures,

From the beginning he was all in. While I analysed the unexpected love, devotion and absolute certainty he possessed about our future (not to mention the chunks of sexy that was coming my way), he was mixing our CD’S and DVD’s which at the time closed my throat with anxiety.

I came into the relationship with a healthy dose of fear, a mountain of debt, a geyser that kept flooding the basement and many children.

By the time he unpacked a reasonable amount of books, I felt more at ease with whatever amount of baggage he came with.

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